Let's start out with a simple one shall we? Two weeks ago this movie was all some people could think about! I know it was for me, Chris Hemsworth is a favourite of mine. With so much build up for a movie you expect nothing but the best. And with a main antagonist as Charlize Theron, where can you go wrong?
You can go really wrong.
As an directorial debut of Rupert Sanders, you could've done worse, and the cinematic debut of writer of Evan Daugherty, you really should've seen this coming. Snow White and the Huntsmen, though a beauty to behold in overall image, the overall feel of the movie is dragged through the mud by one of Hollywood's worse actresses. I'm talking Kristen Stewart.
Now that that intro is out of the way, let's get into the meat of the story. MAJOUR SPOILERS. Summary! If you want to see the review jump right to the next page.
The movie starts out before Snow White is even born, as did the fairy tale, with her mother walking through a snow covered garden admiring a single rose that dare bloom in the harsh cold. Whilst admiring the rose she pricks her finger and then falls three drops of blood. She then says out loud (to no one... crazy lady) that she wishes to have a daughter with hair black as a ravens, with skin as white as snow, and with lips as red as blood. The daughter is born and everything is well, the queen gets her perfect daughter and everyone is happy. But of course if everyone stayed happy we wouldn't have a movie. The queen dies of illness and the entire kingdom is wrought with sadness. Snow White is around eight years old and when she was young she played with Prince Charming, or Prince William, the man who is supposed to kiss her awake in the end.
Then the kingdom to which Snow White is the princess of falls siege to mysterious black warriors who crumble to dust when slashed deep enough (why no one ever questions things like these in movies is beyond me). That's when we meet Charlize Theron's character, Queen Ravenna. Ravenna was being held captive by the black warriors. The king is immediately attracted to her, they wed, and then she kills him as they make love. The kingdom is thrown into chaos as we realize that little miss helpless captive was not so helpless after all. Her black warriors storm the castle and kill every member of the royal family, save for Snow White.
We then jump ten years into the future where Snow White is being held captive in a tower of the castle (I know I went into great detail in the beginning but that was all of ten minutes or so, with the introduction of Kristen Stewart the review will reflect how the movie is currently going). Why didn't Ravenna kill her when she had the chance? Who knows. The Queen has kidnapped a fair maiden so she could suck the life out of her... well, the youth anyway. Snow White becomes acquainted with the girl before she's reduced to a frumpy old hag. During this time Snow White has procured a nail that was loose just outside her window by following the ravens. Now, back to the Queen who looks radiant (Charlize Theron is very stunning). But when the Queen asks her weird rendition of the mirror who the fairest of them all is, the mirror says "SNOW WHITE" and all goes to hell. The Queen orders her brother to kill the girl, and after some mild pedophilia on the brother's part, Snow White rakes the nail across his face and escapes. She escapes by going down into the sewers, lady like, I know.
She escapes into the "Dark Forest" where mushrooms release toxins that play with your reality sensors and cause you to see all sorts of terrible things come to life. The men of the Queens army are, naturally, afraid to enter such a place and tell the Queen. The Queen is not happy about this so she sends her warriors off to find someone who has braved the forest and can lead her men to the girl.
This is when we meet the Huntsmen, a drunk Scotsmen. He has just been thrown out of a pub when the Queens men find him. At first he's reluctant to help the Queen because, like everyone in this world, wherever it is, he hates the Queen with a fiery passion. After an offer to bring back his dead wife he accepts the task. He goes into the Dark Forest, finds Snow White, and then turns on the Queens men after talking the a monotone Kristen Stewart for like... a minute. They then run deeper into the woods in hopes to lose the Queens men, too bad this unlikely duo does not trust each other. They go through the woods until they come across a village of woman who have scarred their faces so they're no longer appealing to the Queen. They also have ridiculous hair, then the Huntsmen finally figures out who Snow White actually is (apparently there was some sort of prophecy that a descendant of the old king would rise up and defeat the evil Queen). So, they shelter Snow White and the nameless Huntsmen until, once again, the Queens men find them and burn down the village. They then run again into the forest (I don't know if it's the Dark Forest or not...) where the come across the seven... eight... dwarves. Everything is merry and peaceful, they dance they sing, and then the ginger dwarf gets shot. And all the while Prince William is look for Snow White because some old man told him that she's alive. Snow White and the Hunstmen are off again with seven dwarves in tow. Apparently because Snow White has come of age, every part of the kingdom seems to love her, fairies, deer creatures that look frighteningly similar to the forest spirit in Princess Mononoke, evil trolls, etc., etc,. Snow White is then reunited with Prince William, Huntsmen is a little jealous, me thinks. But apparently Queen Ravenna has different plans.
You know that epic shot of Snow White lying in the snow and then the Queen disappears in a cloud of Ravens? This doesn't happen. Queen Ravenna, disguised as Prince William, kisses Snow White and feeds her a poisoned apple that turns to a ball of fuzz (mold, who knew). All the while the Queen is all saggy and old, so no impressive escape. William and the Huntsmen start chopping at the ravens as she tries the vanish. Snow White is proclaimed dead, the end.
Not the end! Prince William kisses her and... WHAT? SNOW WHITE NO WAKE UP? Twist, I know -rolls eyes-. Apparently Prince William isn't her true love. They bring Snow White back to William's father and they leave her dying corpse/corpse under a death like spell in some sort of worship room while the Huntsmen gets drunk. The Huntsmen paces around Snow White, telling her lifeless soul about his dead wife and how she reminds him of her. He then decides "me thinks kissing corpse right now = good idea.". He plants one right on the lips and she is revived. HUZZAH! She then storms the castle, defeats the queen, lives happily ever after, the end.
That's actually the end, the screen pans out with the crown on her head and the BLACK. Oh, and that chick in the beginning Snow White met is young again... makes no sense to me, WHAT-SO-EVER.
Now, check the next page for the actual review.
