So for the past several months, I've been thinking about the possibility that I'm on the autism spectrum. Specifically I've been wondering if I have Asperger's? Not sure if that's a term used anymore, but idk.
Tbh I'm not usually a huge advocate of self-diagnosis, like for me personally... I understand that it's useful for some people and a good way to recognize potential symptoms, but idk I feel like I overanalyze things about myself so I generally don't like coming to conclusions about myself on my own. But idk, lately I've just been noticing a lot of things about myself that could potentially be "symptoms" of ASD, and I can't tell if I'm overthinking it or not. :M;;;;
I kind of just wanted to write out things I've noticed and maybe you could tell me if I'm overthinking it.
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1. Stimming?
Sometimes when I'm trying to focus or having a serious conversation with someone, I'll tear up pieces of paper or tear up napkins and roll the tears between my fingers. Sometimes I'm not even totally aware that I'm doing this (especially the napkin thing ahaha;;), it's just something that keeps my hands busy so I can focus on talking/focus on what someone's saying. This would happen a couple times when I was eating with a friend in college, and they seemed surprised that I was doing it. Most of the time people don't really notice or don't comment on it tho.
I also remember back in elementary school I once got in trouble in 1st grade for repeatedly tearing the paper off of crayons. Apparently (and I didn't hear about this until recently) the teacher suggested to my dad that I should talk to a doctor or something about it (she probably suspected I was doing that bc of add/adhd or asd), but my dad didn't see it as a big deal. I did a lot of stuff like this in elementary school tho, like tearing up my eraser, tearing styrofoam plates and breaking plastic forks during lunch... and I did it all kind of methodologically too, it wasn't really to be destructive. I still do some of this stuff actually ahah;;;
A last thing that might count as stimming is that I doodle to focus in class? Idk. I doodle in all my classes without really thinking about it, but one specific instance I'm thinking of where I'd doodle to focus is when my little sister came out to me. She was trying to be really honest/etc with me and telling me stuff, and to help me focus on what she was saying I was drawing on a piece of notebook paper the whole time............ I PROBABLY SEEMED LIKE I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION AHAHA;;; sorry young sister o' mine.... I promise I was doing it so I wouldn't get distracted from what you were saying........
2. "special interest"
Idk if this counts, but maybe my OCs are a "special interest" thing? I think this comes across, but I'm like genuinely obsessed with my OCs.... I'm thinking about them like almost all the time ahahHAHA; Even though I'm not always super organized with them, they're really important and personal for me and idk I just always... want 2 draw them.... want 2 talk about them...... want 2 understand them better..... yeah.
On the other side of things, I have a really really difficult time liking anything at all. This goes for anything, like music, tv shows, anime, games... I talked about this extensively here if you wanna read a rant, ahah;
In fact, lately it feels like I only ever like things if I feel like it can be applicable to my OCs. This is especially with music (I tend to like music that reminds me of my OCs or that helps me understand my OCs better), but it's also with anime to a lesser degree (I like mp100 and PPTA because I think there's things about the tone/writing that give me insight on how to write/portray stories/comics about my characters).
I feel like this kind of attitude isn't really all that unusual for people who have OCs. But idk, I just find it frustrating sometimes that all I ever want to think/talk about is my OCs, yet I have to find or even fake some vague interest in other existing media because that's what other people like.
3. Face-blindness
Face-blindness isn't a symptom of ASD (I think?) but apparently it's kind of a common thing for people on the spectrum to have. I don't think I have like EXTREME face-blindness, but I do have some definite difficultly recognizing and remembering faces... this happens a lot with celebrities, but I've had conversations before where someone recognizes me from class and has small talk with me about a thing and I have no idea who they are. I also in particular hate meeting up with people because it's hard for me to pick someone out in a crowd... I remember one time in college I was meeting a friend for lunch, where she was sleeping on the couch outside of the cafeteria waiting for me. I saw her on the couch and was like pretty sure it was her (and this was a friend I talked to regularly), but I couldn't tell if it was actually her or someone who just looked a lot like her........ her eyes were closed too so that made it harder, but idk.
I've read some accounts of face blindness that I feel like I can relate to, too. Like the idea of recognizing people based on secondary characteristics (clothes, accessories, voice) is something I do a lot. Context comes into play a lot, too (like if I see someone more often in class, I'm more likely to recognize them in class rather than outside of class since context helps narrow down who a person is I guess.)
But idk! I feel like sometimes maybe I don't have face-blindness because I can recognize people to some degree. Maybe it's just not as extreme as it could be? I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it though... I don't think recognizing faces is normally something that's an effort, but most of the time it feels like an effort for me.
4. Poor eye-contact/Staring
This might be related to why I can't recognize faces easily, but I don't always make eye-contact with people when I'm talking. I remember one time I was talking to a friend of mine and would look at her when she was talking, but when it was my turn to talk in the conversation I would point my face toward the wall and talk as if I was talking to the wall instead of her... IDK IT JUST SEEMED NATURAL AT THE TIME, I kind of have to force myself to look at people so conversations seem more natural, ahaha.
On the other hand, sometimes I feel like people think I stare when I'm trying to make eye contact? I heard that "seems like they're staring" is kind of common with ASD. This might just be because I naturally kind of tilt my head and stick out my neck when I look at someone, so idk maybe I just seem stare-y when I try to make eye contact with people;;
5. Empathy
I read that people with ASD are often low-empathy, and I also have read that there's a distinction between "emotional empathy" (understanding how someone feels) and "cognitive empathy" (understanding how someone thinks), but idk if empathy is exactly that clear-cut... idk that's just to my understanding.
For me, I feel like I have a hard time empathizing with people on the level of like... telling people "happy birthday," remembering peoples' interests, keeping in contact with friends/family regularly... I don't really message my friends through text or fb because Idk what we'd talk about. Kind of personal, but another example is that I live with my mom rn so I haven't really been keeping in contact with my dad very much through phone calls/texts.
I love my dad and I know it'd be courteous to keep in contact with him by at least calling or messaging him, but my reasoning behind not calling him is that I never have much to say during phone calls, and even though he claims to want to talk to me he doesn't seem very interested in actually conversing with me about things I like, so I don't think a phone call would be very productive.
(Like I literally think a phone convo between us would be "hey how are you" "I'm fine just busy w school" "ok love you sweetie bye")
But apparently on some emotional level the interaction above would be nice for my dad...? I guess? Idk I'm just really bad at small talk in general (??? like what do people talk about, idk), so idk I just... don't really get the point of calling my dad... I genuinely do want to see him more, but I've got my own stuff to do and I don't see how a substance-less phone conversation will help anything. Maybe I'm just not getting something, idk.
Another example is that my sister is getting married soon, and while I'm aware that I'm supposed to be ~hype~ for it and I'm doing my best to be excited for her, I don't personally understand the point of marriage ceremonies (?) so I don't think I'm really as excited for her as other people might be.
Idk I guess the point is that I don't really think I care about other people or their feelings the same way that other people do...? Or that I feel like I have to performative-ly do things that people expect me to do to show I care. Like I genuinely try my best to be a nice person and I have no desire to be mean or spiteful toward anyone, but sometimes I guess I come off as kind of rude because I'm not overtly friendly all the time... which idk, I don't get why being neutral = being rude. Like, I generally don't feel comfortable greeting people around me when I walk into class (sometimes I'll smile and nod, usually I'll just sit down), but some people take me not greeting someone or not engaging in small talk to be rude, unfriendly, or that I don't like someone. And the same thing with leaving a class without saying "bye" to the people around me, some people take that to be abrupt/rude when really I'm just... leaving class... (????? I don't think not talking to someone is rude, I think it's just neutral idk. I don't really like having to force myself to do actions like small talk and greetings just to save myself from being branded as rude/standoffish. :T)
...I feel like I'm getting off topic, ahaha;;; This is just weird for me to talk about because I don't really know what I'm supposed to be talking about. -u-/ I guess in conclusion: I understand on some superficial level that I'm supposed to do things like remember birthdays, remember peoples' interests, keep in contact with people, greet people and do small talk... even though I don't really get the point of doing these things. On the other hand, I do genuinely try my best to be aware of how people are feeling (even if it's not obvious) and try not to do things that would be hurtful to others. But idk.
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Anyway there's other things that I do that might seem characteristic of ASD (like not picking up on sarcasm/nuances in speech, kind of bad at recognizing facial expressions?, use of stock phrases), but. idk that's most of the stuff I've been thinking about.
On the whole, I don't even really know why I'm think so hard about this... even if I do have ASD, it's not like anything changes, I'm still just the same person I always am. On some level I feel like I want a diagnosis just so I can have something to point to to explain why I act the way I do (esp when people take me to be cold/unfriendly/awkward in rl?), but at the same time that just feels like a cop-out or excuse for how I act, idk.
I'm also apprehensive about actually talking to a doctor about this bc:
1) if I do have ASD, I'm worried that people will think differently of me and
2) if I do have ASD, I'd have to put it on job applications and idk how employers would react
....but idk. I've just. Been thinkin' about things I guess. I can't really think of a ton of benefits of seeing someone or getting diagnosed besides it'd help me understand myself a bit better, and also help others understand me a bit better. :T
But at the same time I don't think any of the stuff I talked about above is necessarily unusual so. Idk. I'm probably overthinking things.
ANYWAY!!! THAT'S MY BLAB... IDK WHERE ELSE TO PUT THIS SO IT'S GONNA GO HERE. I didn't proof read any of it so it's probably a mess;; Thanks for reading?? Yeah. You don't have to comment or anything if you read this, but you can if you want to I guess. :0
