Hello everybody. It's time for my rant. You know what this means. I unburden myself upon this page, then you, my loyal readers, offer your support to me. If you don't want to participate, that's fine. I'm just doing this for me. If you do, thank you ever so much. OK, here we go.
I've been feeling depressed lately. I think it's partly because I feel trapped. I feel I am part of a cycle that goes around and around but never gets anywhere. I just go from home to school to violin lesson to home to sleep to school to homework etc. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I;m running as fast as I can to stay upright, and yet the wheel is spinning faster and faster, and my feet are barely skimming the bars. i know it'll be the same all through high school, and university too if I go, which I'll probably have to. My only hope is that I'll be able to get a job that I enjoy. Until then, I'll just have to hang in there.
A major turning point in my life came when I was about 8, when I realized that no one is perfect. I think that up until then, some part of me had always been hoping that I would find the perfect friend. The realization that this is impossible shocked me. I also realized that the way people choose friends is they find people with imperfections that don't bother them, the friend-searchers unduly. For example, Some people can't stand bossy people. I am a bossy person, so that imperfection does not bother me in the slightest! Some people complain a lot, and that bothers me, I can't be around people like that, but many people who complain a lot have friends! To their friends, this imperfection is bearable. I have no problem with this theory, (I did invent it) but my problems lie in my own imperfections, or my personality. This may sound strange, but I am no longer sure what my personality is. I know how I used to be, before I moved to the city, and I know how I want to be, (at least, mostly) but I have no real grasp of who I AM. I can tell you things that I like and dislike, what I would do in certain situations, etc., but I can't tell you who I am. I feel like an empty shell. I go about my daily bisness, but it's like I'm on autopilot. My mind is always somewhere else, I'm not really sure where. The only times I feel completely whole is when I laugh or sing. Aside from that, I feel like a ghost.
I haven't told anyone about my problems (until now) because I don't want to worry my friends and family. I make it my job to make the people around me happy, and asking them for help doesn't seem like a part of that. So I keep acting like my cheerful self, while on the inside, i'm crying.I sound a bit like Momiji... Is that ironic or what? At the same time, some selfish part of me wants my friends and family to worry, because if they worry, it means they care.
I haven't been taking good care of myself lately. I don't get as much sleep as I should. I stay up late every night, reading or doing homework or just staring at the ceiling. I don't eat much, and not healthy food. I spend hours at a time watching TV or on the computer. I have no respect for myself.
Thank you for reading my pathetic problems. I'm sure you all have problems of your own, and I'd love to help if I can. That is my reason for existing, I believe. Now go back to your lives. Don't mind me. Really. Thank you for visiting my world. I appreciate it. I really do. Thank you again for reading, and please come back sometime. I'm not always this depressed. I hope to see you all around.
-Miji
