I couldn’t hide my smiles, though I should have as I walked over to Zexion. As I sat down beside him, however, I sobered up. “I’m not going to say I understand. We both know I don’t. But…I want to. I want to know what this is… this… Love…” Zexion shook his head vigorously. “No Vivi, you don’t. You really don’t. It hurts so much… And it’s not like it’s temporary either. It’s not like I can just wake up tomorrow and see him in the streets. It’s not like I can wake up tomorrow held tight in his arms, and see him smiling back at me. It’s not like I can feel his lips pressed against my own, his heart beating close to mine… I can’t even talk to him anymore. He was my life, my soul, and now, he’s gone. You don’t want to understand, Vivi.”
I frowned slightly. “No, I think I do. I want to know what love feels like, even if it hurts. You were happy before, right? So surely it has good points too. It must be like… warm ice cream. Yes? Warm ice cream! Tasty as ever, but not good because it’s melting.” Zexion smiled slightly. “And then, when you eat the warm ice cream,” I continued, “It’s so nice as it runs down your throat, but if it’s still a little cold then you get a Brain Freeze, and-“ Zexion giggled, smiling up into the sky. “I knew it! I’m right, aren’t I? Love is…Warm Ice Cream!” Zexion shook his head. “You’re still young, Vivi. Warm Ice Cream is okay for now, but soon it will be Tight Underwear, and then it will be Study Work, and then you’ll truly fall in love for the first time, and you’ll feel so nervous, and then he… or she… will love you back, and you’ll feel like flying, and then something will go wrong and you’ll want to crawl into a hole and never come out. And then, just to make things worse, you’ll fall in love again. It never ends, Vivi, it never ends.”
I frowned again. Zexion really was upset and he was obviously in a lot of emotional pain. I still didn’t quite understand how Warm Ice Cream and Tight Underwear were the same, but it didn’t matter. I patted him on the back and stood up. “I’m gonna go back now, okay? I’ll let you be alone for a while.” Zexion nodded, and mouthed “Thank you.” I walked back to the group, and Squall immediately leapt to my side. “I need… to talk… with you…” He said. I nodded, and we walked away, Haru and Riku looking at each other in funny ways. Squall pulled me to another part of the field where we wouldn’t be overheard, and sat down. I sat down too.
“I… need to… tell you something…” I nodded, and sat patiently. I think I knew what was coming, but it still didn’t sink in until the words left his lips. “Vivi… You’re a lot younger than me… But I haven’t felt like this in a long time… I think I… love you, Vivi…” I looked at him and frowned slightly. “You do?” He nodded. “…Oh…” Squall looked a little hurt. “Oh? What do you mean… oh?” I tilted my head to the side. “I don’t really know what love is… or what it feels like. I don’t know… what to say?” Squall frowned at me. “Okay…” I knew I’d said something wrong. “I mean, I’m glad you love me… I think… It’s just, I’m still a kid, and I don’t know what it feels to truly love someone, and-" I was cut short. Squall had placed his lips on mine and I could feel him breathing gently into me. “Just… Stay with me.” My cheeks felt like they were on fire, and Squall giggled as he pulled away. Was I… blushing?
I was still a kid. I mean, I’d grown a bit in height since Zidane first met me, and I’d matured a lot mentally. I just never matured emotionally. I knew it wouldn’t be long until that happened, I just had to wait a little. I started to think more about Love, and when Squall’s lips on mine popped into my head, my stomach felt all quivery and my heartbeat quickened. Was that Love? Or was it the opposite? I didn’t know. I decided to ask Zexion when he was happier. Squall and I walked back to Riku and Haru, and he ran his hand into mine as we walked. Haru looked a little concerned, and by making a quick mind-check I found that she saw Squall… kiss me, is that what he did? That’s a kiss? Okay. But she saw him do it. And that worried her for some reason. We all gathered together and began to discuss what we were going to do next.
“I think we should head back to Lindblum,” I said uncomfortably. “We’ve done what we wanted to do when we left. And…” I wasn’t about to say it, but I had grown up now. I knew that I couldn’t give up on ruling Lindblum now; it was my duty. And I didn’t mind that anymore. To my left, Riku nodded and slipped his hand in mine. However, Vivi protested. “I don’t want to! Please don’t go, I’ve been having so much…well, I’ve had fun,” he said, looking a little embarrassed. “It felt like…like old times, with Zidane and everyone. I had friends again, and I…well, I felt like I belonged somewhere again. And I had a purpose.” I looked at the floor, suddenly unnerved. It was one of those painfully true things that Vivi said; the sort of thing that everyone thinks but there’s an unspoken rule against saying.
“I don’t want to return to Lindblum, either,” sniffed Zexion. “I didn’t get my revenge…something’s still missing…I’m not ready to give up yet.” Riku sighed. “But what else is there you can do, Zexion? There isn’t any way that you will lose that gaping hole in your heart. When you lose the one you love, you can’t stop the hurting. You will feel better – but you have to give up on your notions of revenge. It isn’t healthy.” Zexion looked mutinous, as though he was about to argue back with a sniping remark, but I cut him off. “So what are we going to do? How about we go back to Lindblum for the time being – all of us? That way Vivi, we can still spend time together. And Zexion, you can do whatever you need to do to find peace. I will personally do anything I can to help. Then, if anything comes up, we can deal with it as a group.” I was trying my hardest to come to a compromise, but nobody looked particularly happy about it.
I looked over at Zexion, who was a mix of emotions. I saw anger, hatred, love, passion, disgust, self-loathing – everything you can think of. Haru was a little tired, so we decided to postpone our Teleportation till the morning. Squall was very unhappy when I said I wanted to talk to Zexion, but he let me go. I walked over, and sat beside him. “Zexion…can I ask you something?” He merely nodded, so I carried on my questioning. “You said… love happens all over again… who did you love before Gildas?”
Zexion’s eyes filled with both sadness and hatred as he started to speak. “He was an old colleague of mine. We worked together for a while, before he became too much of a megalomaniac and… things happened. He lied to me, about something he really shouldn’t have. I still don’t know what truly happened… but I told him that although I loved him, I didn’t feel comfortable dating him if he couldn’t tell me the truth. So… he broke up with me. It took me months to get over him, but eventually I did. Then I met Gildas, and my world was turned upside-down once more. They were so similar in every way; they even fought with the same weapon. But when Gildas needed help, I had no-one to go to but… him. He tried to seduce Gildas, and I could see it from Gildas’ face that he wasn’t happy at all. So I slapped him, not just for Gildas, but for all the pent-up emotion I had to deal with. Then, when he kissed Gildas, I turned him into a book.”
I looked confused, but Zexion continued his story. “After he became a book, I ripped out a few pages that Gildas would need and had another colleague of mine burn the rest. I only hope I caused him as much pain as he caused me.” Sensing that Zexion had finished, I said the first words that came to my head: “I’m sorry.” Zexion shook his head. “Don’t be. I’m over him now… it’s just Gildas that still hurts…” I left Zexion, who was beginning to get stronger with himself as he hadn’t cried through the story. When I walked back over to Squall, he seemed cold… unhappy. I sat next to him and put my head on his shoulder, as the night sky loomed above, full of stars. I fell asleep like this, and all I know is that when we woke up, my head was on Squall’s chest, his arm around me, and Haru was already awake. She looked a lot happier than last I saw her, but I couldn’t help but feel a little…sad… that our journeys would soon be ending.
I felt a lot more refreshed this morning, knowing that we would be going back to Lindblum soon. I didn’t want to be away anymore, I just wanted to settle down somewhere and make a home. But what I really wanted – more than anything else – was Riku. Just him and me and nobody else. And I knew that this would be possible – and soon, now that we were almost going home. My mood was obviously lighter; I busied myself preparing some fruits from the edge of the forest for breakfast and was humming to myself the whole time.
“Good morning,” whispered a voice in my ear, and I jumped, sending berries flying everywhere. I went to pick them up, but I felt a pair of strong hands around my waist pulling me backwards. I trusted them with all my weight until I was looking up at the sky and Riku kissed me gently. “Hi,” I said dreamily as he returned me to my feet. We both knelt down to gather up all the fallen food. I couldn’t stop grinning at him; this was how happy I was to be going back. This was my chance to finally find somewhere that could feel like a safe, warm, protective home. And it would be my home, and nobody else’s. No more pretending to be someone I’m not; no more pressure to do anything I don’t want to; no more.
I walked over to Haru and Riku, who were picking up some berries. I waved and moved to sit down, but I was bored of sitting on the grass. I decided that a log would be better, and flipped through my mental spellbook. “Fira.” I said, and used a finger to trace a pattern in the sky. The nearby oak tree split into pieces, the top and stump of the tree bursting to flames whilst the middle section flew swiftly in this direction, landing next to me with a dull “Thump!” I sat down on that, and looked around at Haru, who was smiling at me. “I never knew Fire magic could do that!”
Squall and Zexion woke soon after, and both inquired as to the log, but neither got a straight answer, only a giggle from me and a smile from Haru and Riku. As I giggled, Squall smiled, and his eyes lit up. Was that me? I don’t know. Either way, Haru was ready to Teleport again. I looked around at the field we were in, and thought back to all the people I’d lost recently… Freya, Zidane, Seifer, Dagger… They all meant a lot to me. But then, so did the other Black Mages; and I have stopped their production. I just had to learn to move on. I had before, I could do it again. With a heavy heart, and Squall’s hand in my own, I nodded at Haru. We all took each other’s hands, and closed our eyes, as Haru whispered the one word that would take me away from this serenity.
“Teleport.”
