I felt myself shaking with rage as I charged into my room. I made sure that the door was tightly locked before I slid down it to crouch on the floor, cradling my head in my hands weakly. How dare he play around with George and then Rin too, when he has a boyfriend – one he constantly assures us all he is deeply in love with?! Somehow that made Mitsu’s face burst into my mind, making me even angrier. I leapt to my feet and strode across the room quickly, kicking the bed to try and vent my inexplicably strong temper. It screeched across the floor about an inch, knocking the covers and pillows around. Still not content, I slammed into the bathroom and back into my room and over to the window. The banging on the door did nothing to calm me down.
“Charlotte, open up!” Rin’s voice was not what I wanted to hear right now. “Charlotte, let me in before I break this door down!” I charged over and wrenched the door open. “What?!” I shouted, rather aggressively, right in his face. He did not flinch, simply stared at me calmly. “Your brother tried to explain what happened – or rather didn’t – between us, did he not? So then what is the problem?” I blinked furiously at his cool tone. “What right do you have to preach to me? I’m sick of your disgusting logic – you aren’t any better than me, no matter what you think. And I’m sick of the way that sainted brother of mine gets to wrap every guy around his finger so many times, and then just throw them away like that! He treats people like things, like fallen leaves or dead spiders or deserted rocks. And he has no right to do that! Sometimes he needs to consider people’s feelings; I’m sick of being treated like I have no emotions! And you! You can hardly come here and lecture me! You are more than twice his age!” I screamed before slamming the door, making certain to lock it again.
I locked myself in the bathroom to escape Rin’s frantic bangs on the door. Sitting on the cold toilet, I felt yet more alone. I hadn’t even known that was possible. Pushing my annoyingly long hair out of my face despairingly, I made a rash decision to change. No longer was I going to be a weak, dependant person. I was going to take control of my life, starting with the small things. Rooting through the drawers in the bathroom, I pulled out a pair of scissors. Glancing back to the mirror every so often, I checked that the chunks of hair falling to the floor were the same length. Soon the floor was a tangled mess of red locks, and my neck prickled with a strange feeling of exposure. I swept the discarded hair into the bin quickly, and went back into the bedroom.
In my walk-in wardrobe, I picked out a plain blue pair of jeans and a simple, black vest top. Steeling myself, I ran my fingers through my newly cropped hair once again and strode confidently into the kitchen. As I grabbed a glass from the cupboard, Rikku came rushing over. “Like, no way! You so totally did not do that!” I turned to face Rikku and smiled defiantly. “Don’t you like it?” She squealed in denial, but my eyes were on Steven. He was awake again, and Rin was combing Steven’s mess of hair with his long fingers. Dragging my attention back to Rikku I nodded and poured out a drink. “So do you want to do something together sometime; like, catch a movie or go shopping or whatever?” Rikku nodded wildly, clapping. “I would so totally love to! That’d be so, like, great, or whatever?”
I sighed as Charlotte left the room, and looked down. “She’s cut her hair… As a change…” Rin gave a questioning sound and I sighed again. “I really am the intelligence here… She’s upset. And she hates being upset. She hates being so emotional. So she wants to change, change herself and change her life. Cutting her hair is a physical representation of this change.” Rin stopped running his fingers through my hair and I turned my head. “You really are amazing.” He said, smiling, and I turned back, blushing slightly.
“Rin… this has to stop.” I shook my head, and stood up. “This has to stop. The longer this carries on, the harder it’ll be. We need to… to stop.” Rin smiled sadly. “I know. I was hoping that I’d at least a few hours of making you happy. I guess I need to… move on from the young days I used to have.” I sighed softly and headed to my room wordlessly. Picking out a navy shirt, I put it on and brushed my trousers down. Picking up my wallet, phone and keys, I headed back to the living room. “I’m going out.” Rin made to stop me but I left before he could, and took the elevator.
I headed into town and found the chocolate shop, Hotel Chocolat. I bought myself a chocolate lollipop and found an empty bench outside, unwrapping the lollipop and sticking it sadly in my mouth. The rich chocolate was heaven to my tastebuds, but the pleasure never reached my mind. Sharply focused, my brain was thinking of future possibilities. Julian… George… Rin… the three ran through my mind endlessly, adding to the confusion of the past week and my own self-doubt. I heard coughing beside me, and turned to see a shy, worried-looking George.
“I’m sorry. For getting attached.” I shook my head. “No, it’s all my fault; I should never have strung you along.” George shook his head. “No, it’s mine. I shouldn’t have fallen so fast. I should’ve known someone as perfect as you would have a boyfriend.” I put my hand comfortingly on his shoulder. “No, I should have told you sooner, I shouldn’t have flirted with you at all, I mean I-" I was cut off. I mean, I couldn’t really talk when George had pressed his lips against my own. For the second time, I was locked in a kiss, and I was unsure whether to end it or not. For the second time, I felt like I was cheating on Julian… And for the second time, I was cut short before I could make my own decision.
“WHAT?!” Charlotte’s scream pierced the shopping centre. I looked around in pure terror, and felt Charlotte’s slap once again. I hit the bench hard, and several people turned to look at me, George and Charlotte. Charlotte picked me up by the back of my shirt, and pushed me forwards, forcing my face against the bench. George screamed back, a resounding “No!” forcing itself into my ears, and the force on my back was alleviated. I looked back to see George holding my sister back. “You’re at it again, huh? First Rin, now George? And guess what? Julian’s coming to see you!”
I froze. Had I heard her correctly? Had I really understood? “He’s coming to see you, as a Christmas present! You know, he’s been saving up since he met you, saving up to give you the best Christmas present you can ever have! And he knows about Rin, but he doesn’t care, because he loves you! And how do you return that? You cheat on him again!” I shut my eyes. This was unbelievable. The best moment of my life… already ruined. Charlotte stormed away, a lip-biting Rikku following close behind. George turned to me, teary-eyed, and walked away, leaving me on my own. I couldn’t fight the tears then. I walked swiftly back to the apartment, entering it and rushing to my room before Rin and Brother could question me.
I strode angrily through the shopping centre, oblivious to Rikku’s whiny protests and complaints. Eventually I realised I was simply working my way round in circles, and paused to get my bearings. “Why don’t we, like, go home or something?” Rikku giggled nervously. I nodded sharply and led her back to the flat. Inside, she collapsed onto the couch and promptly got into an argument with Brother, while I headed straight for my bedroom and barricaded myself inside again.
A gentle knocking on the door woke me up from a broken nap I hadn’t intended to take. “Whazzat?” I muttered indistinctly. “It’s me,” said a hesitant voice, “…Mitsu.” I sat up too quickly and watched the room swim in front of me. Panicking, I tried to flatten my hair whilst trying to get out of bed and all it resulted in was me thumping to the ground with a heavy banging noise. “Are you okay?” Mitsu sounded concerned on the other side of the door, so I flung it open quickly and greeted him with a grin. “I’m fine; just clumsy, like I said.”
Mitsu seemed reluctant to come in, but I ushered him through the door quickly and locked it behind him again. “Nothing to do with you; just a problem between the five of us. But nothing I can’t handle!” Mitsu smiled. “I’m glad that you’re so sure. I just wanted to come to…well, I wanted to apologise for the way I treated you…I should have said goodbye…I should have done more than that, but there you go. Look, I was an idiot…would you…give me another chance? Say, a meal or a film or something?” I fixed my gaze on him steadily. “You what?” I asked in a most ungraceful manner. “Are you asking me out? Like, on a date?” He nodded, blushing furiously. I burst out laughing, but stopped immediately when he looked offended.
I sat down next to Mitsu and took his hand in mine gently, awkwardly. “Sorry, I would love to. I didn’t mean to laugh, it’s just…well, you seem really perfect, and I didn’t think that you’d ever want to know me…” I tailed off, not sure how he would react. “…I know you for you.” Mitsu echoed my previous ramblings, making me a little more embarrassed. I searched for words in the dark corners of my mind, opening my mouth and closing it again silently. But Mitsu cut off all need for talk with a strategic, gentle kiss. He pulled back, breathing slowly. I knew he was about to apologise and so shook my head, kissing him in return.
Mitsu’s body was warm next to mine and I could feel his heart beating quickly underneath the check shirt hanging delicately from his limber frame. My hands worked anxiously up to his shoulders, where they hung for a minute before slowly knotting themselves through his thick hair. I noticed my fingers shaking wildly, but tried to hide it. Thankfully, Mitsu’s attentions were elsewhere and so he didn’t realise – either that or he did notice but chose not to bring it up. The feeling of Mitsu’s hands creeping through my (very!) short hair and down my back caused butterflies to fight for freedom. “I like your new haircut,” Mitsu breathed, pausing to say just that. Then his mouth was on mine again, filling me with an unfamiliar warmth. I began to want him; I began to need him…and then I panicked.
A spurt of pain shocked through me before I realised what was happening. I pushed at Mitsu’s chest weakly, but my hands were so limp that he barely felt it and simply folded them into one of his, laying me down across my bed. I tried to shake my head, but again it was futile. Worry exploded in me now as I fought to breathe, and I clenched my fists, pushing back at him. Finally he paused and let go of me. “What’s wrong? Was it too quick? I’m sorry!” he rushed, but I took no notice. Instead I rolled over onto my front and began to tremble all over. “I-can’t-breathe!” I forced out between short spurts of air. Mitsu was straight to business, rubbing my back soothingly and calming me with fragile words, and eventually the pain receded, along with the utter panic. “Are you okay? Was it the smoke damage?” he asked, worried, and I nodded, smiling. I wound my fingers back into his hair and he smiled back.
[BREAK
I was alone in my room. I’d heard a knocking down the corridor, but it didn’t matter to me. Christmas was 6 days away, and Julian would come. He’d come here. He’d come to me. To give me the best Christmas present ever… himself. But maybe more, maybe he’d take me back with him. The thought filled me with warmth, the thought of being taken from this wretched existence to one in a new place, with new people and a new love… The thought filled my mind with a passionate desire, to release myself from the shackles of this confusing life.
I heard a knocking at my own door. I paused briefly to check my reflection in the mirror, and invited the knocker inside. Rikku came inside and stood with her hands on her hips. “So, you gonna explain?” I nodded, and turned back to my reflection, perfecting my hair as I told my story to Rikku. I paused on occasion, gauging her reaction. Over the main part of my story, Rikku was sympathetic, but she had looks of disapproval when the story turned to George and Rin. When the story was done, she came over and put her hands on my shoulders. “You like, gotta do the right thing, you know?” I nodded my head. With 6 days to go… I couldn’t afford to make any more mistakes. Any more errors in my judgement. Rikku left the room and I was alone again… Confused and alone.
A while later, we broke apart. It could have been seconds, minutes, hours, more… Mitsu’s bright hair was comically ruffled, and the lopsided grin had crept back to his face. “Still breathing?” he laughed lightly. I shrugged. “Perhaps,” I breathed, my fingers pressing his hair back to its old style. Now that I lacked his warmth I felt cold, yet despite being separate again, I felt less alone than I ever remembered. I knew he was here in front of me and wouldn’t leave for long. He rose to his feet, pulling me up next to him by the hands. “So, this date I came to arrange before we got…sidetracked?” he asked, grinning wider. I laughed, “Lunch tomorrow? One o’clock at the shopping centre, like usual?” He nodded, and allowed himself one last kiss before opening my bedroom door.
I followed Mitsu through the apartment and hung out of the front door, waving gently as the elevator doors slid closed. Once he was totally out of sight, I closed the front door and turned to face Rin, who was stretched out over the sofa. He took great care to fold his newspaper into perfect quarters before standing up; meanwhile I stood, waiting for the lecture I knew was coming. Rin stood up leisurely and took several slow strides across the room until he drew equal with me. “How dare you berate me for being twenty years ahead of your brother when the man who has left that silly little contented smile on your face is so much older than you in return?” he hissed harshly in my ear, and drew the bolt on the front door. But even that couldn’t detract from my light mood.
I sat in my room for a long time. I didn’t know exactly how long for, but I left the room at 7pm as Rikku called for dinner. We had Pizza, but no-one said a word. Charlotte smiled brightly throughout the entire meal and Rin frowned for an equal amount of time. Rikku and Brother seemed emotionless, nearly robotic as they ate their pizza. I didn’t touch mine. I wasn’t hungry. I sat, frowning downwards through the meal, not touching my pizza for an instant.
As the others cleared away their plates, I simply left my plate at the table and returned to my room silently. I could hear the others muttering as I left, but I didn’t care. I returned to my room and closed the door slowly, reaching for my makeup. I applied my eyeliner thick and dramatic, my eyeshadow dark and brooding, and my lipstick black as night. I painted my nails and watched the clock, waiting for them to dry. Once they had, I looked at myself in the mirror. One quick comb and I was done.
I left the room and walked slowly and calmly to the front door, and Charlotte asked where I was going. “Out.” I replied simply, and Charlotte jumped to my side. “Where?” I opened the door and began walking out, but Charlotte stood before me, blocking my path. “Just stop it, okay? Just stop!” I sighed and walked back into the room, sitting down on the sofa. Brother sat beside me. “First mission’s come through.” Brother took out a piece of paper from his pocket; it was covered in Al Bhed writing. I couldn’t read it, but Brother began speaking in plain English. “Our client is a young man. He requires assistance with a love affair… seems his girlfriend is Al Bhed and he thinks she may be using him. He needs us to find her birth certificate. Sounds easy enough.”
“So who are these people?” I asked, “Why is he after our help?” Brother consulted his paper again, but Rin spoke instead. “It doesn’t matter for now. What matters is that you both get to bed and rest up well, ready for tomorrow; your first day of work.” Neither me or Steven debated; we simply walked off to our own bedrooms. I closed the curtains slowly, enjoying the silvery embrace of the moonlight. My bed was warm and inviting, and I slipped between the covers, still smiling uncontrollably. It was another full night’s sleep, unbroken and dreamless.
The next morning was bright and a thick layer of crisp, seasonal frost covered every surface outside my window. I dressed quickly and went for breakfast, feeling slightly hungry. In the kitchen, everyone except for Steven was up again. I poured a bowl of cereal whilst humming a bright tune to myself, thinking about lunch today. “You sure seem happy,” remarked Brother. “Uh huh,” I smiled at him, “Um…first mission, I guess.” I wasn’t about to tell him the real reason for my light mood. After finishing my breakfast, I sat down on the sofa to wait for Steven to get up. It was strange for him to get up after me, and yet here it was an almost daily occurrence.
I yawned and gazed at the clock, reading a time of 9am. I was late… and totally exhausted besides. I got up and looked in the mirror, glad I had the energy to remove my makeup last night. I decided to please myself and picked out my L outfit from the wardrobe (white sweater, dark blue jeans) and threw them on. Ruffling my hair to make myself look more like him, I grabbed my eyeliner and darkened beneath my eyes. I scratched my head, looking into the mirror. Perfect.
I left the room, walking slightly hunched and with my hands in my pockets. I dragged my feet slightly, and sat down in L’s trademark style. Brother looked at me curiously, and Charlotte giggled, hiding it with her hand. I was ready for my first day. Before Rikku could ask, I jumped up, holding my hand out to her with my other thumb in my mouth. “Hajimemashite. Watashi no namae wa Eru desu.” Charlotte laughed more, but I remained emotionless. What was the point in being L if you couldn’t play the part?
Ignoring Rikku’s confused look, I sat back down and waited for Rin to drink his coffee. When he had finished, he began to brief us on the day ahead. “Today we will begin the mission. Rikku, Charlotte and Brother will be one team, Steven and I the other. Team A, consisting of Rikku, Charlotte and Brother will gather information from the client and feed it back to Team B, Steven and I, who will interpret this and discover as much as we can about this girlfriend of his.” Charlotte nodded, and Rikku and Brother smiled at one another. “This will be an easy first mission for you, but I must ask you to exercise caution. People aren’t always who they seem.”
