I went back into the room, towelling my hair as I walked. Steven was gazing around the room, the disgust clear on his face. “Look, I know it isn’t great, but it’s only one night, okay? It’s no big deal. And you probably think I took the bigger bed, but they are totally the same, I’ll even swap if you want.” Steven shrugged, and I took a proper look at him. He seemed sort of…grey. “What’s up?” He didn’t answer, but his eyes flicked unwillingly to the window. I started to walk over, but I felt Steven’s grip on my arm. “Don’t,” he whispered commandingly, but (still a little annoyed at his patronising earlier) I carried on regardless. Out of the window, the world seemed peaceful; it was unaware of the trouble we were in. Everything seemed fine, but eventually my gaze landed on a huddled mass on the pavement, a glittering, dark puddle spreading from it. “Is that…a person?” I asked curiously. Steven nodded, looking a little queasy.
“Oh,” I said, unaffected. “So, what’s the matter?” Steven swallowed before answering, “I watched him die.” I sighed, and hugged him. “Look, it’s not your fault. You couldn’t have done anything. It doesn’t affect us, right?” Steven pushed me back. “Actually, it does. He was a spy for the Al Bhed, but he let them down. Rin said that…that we would end up the same way if we don’t do our job well enough.” I looked at him. “Well, we’ll just have to do our job brilliantly, then. Come on, it’s us! We’ll be fine,” I said bracingly, but he shook his head. “What if we aren’t?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
“We will be. I promise.” Honestly, I didn’t see the big deal about death. For the person dying, it was all over. It was only their families that suffered; and we didn’t have any of that right now. So what did we have to lose? Whatever Steven said or did, I had to keep going now. This would consume my whole life if I didn’t do this. I had to join with the Al Bhed and find our dad…I just wished that Steven could be a little more passionate. He was always so calm, so rational, so…disaffected. Just once, I wanted him to actually feel something strong enough to show that he cared.
Charlotte looked at me compassionately. She truly had no idea… I forced a smile. “You’re right. We need to be a little more motivated is all.” Charlotte smiled and poked me. “That’s the spirit!” She sat down and hugged me, her head on my shoulder and her arms around my waist. “You’ve got a really feminine waist, you know?” I smiled a little and closed my eyes. “You… You really don’t understand, do you?” I asked, forcing the tears back. Charlotte looked at me in confusion and I looked back. She looked deep into my eyes and slow concern spread across her face. “I…Don’t you see it? Don’t you see?” Charlotte slid her hand up to my face, stroking my cheek and looking at me helplessly. “That was just any man down there, Steven, it doesn’t matter…”
I couldn’t hold the tears back then, they ran fast down my cheeks, but I wouldn’t truly cry. The tears would escape, but I wouldn’t let it take over. “It was just another man, but what if it wasn’t? Charlotte, what if that was you? What…what would I do, how could I carry on, if that was you?” Charlotte pulled me into an intimate hug, and I lay my head on her shoulder, whispering into her ear. “What would there be worth living for? How could I look at myself in the mirror and not see a failure looking back, how could I walk to school without you?” Charlotte pulled back and looked into my eyes again, her own eyes slightly watery. “How could I go on? Don’t you see? This is why I go silent, this is why I lose weight, and this is why every time something bad happens I just block it out because…I have to stay strong for you. If you weren’t here…I couldn’t even stay strong for myself.” The tears began to stop flowing, and Charlotte wiped my eyes gently. “But I’m not going anywhere. We’ll do this, and we’ll do this right. We have to find these things out, Steven. No matter what the cost.”
I hadn’t seen Steven cry in so long that I couldn’t help but feel…unsafe. Steven was always protecting me, doing what he thought would help me the most. But what he didn’t understand was that I had to learn to do things alone. With him there, helping me along, of course. But I needed to be able to support myself…I needed to grow into someone strong and stable. I didn’t want to just receive anymore; I wanted to find the one thing that only I could give. But I wanted to do it by my own strength – fuelled by all the kindness and warmth Steven gave me. I needed to move forward, and find my own proof…that I wasn’t worthless.
I pulled away from Charlotte and gazed at the darkening sky outside. “So what’s the plan?” I asked, without looking back. “I…umm…Plan?” I nodded. “Yeah. I told you, I’ll stay by your side. I never said I’d lead the way, this is your journey. I’m simply… an ally. I’ll always be your big brother… but this is something you have to do for yourself, right? So, what’s the plan?” Charlotte shuffled slightly on the bed. “I guess we just meet up with Rin and see what he says. If we can’t join, we’ll find some jobs. If we can, we’ll find out all the info we can on our family and maybe help rebuild Home.” I nodded. “Sounds fair to me. When shall we sleep?” I turned away from the window, facing the wall instead. “I guess whenever you’re ready to. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in a long time.” I nodded and headed for the bathroom. “I’ll get changed then.”
It was dark that night, but that didn’t help me sleep at all. I lay in bed listening to Steven’s ripping snores and staring at the wall. I never slept well, but that didn’t mean I liked it. The moon was full tonight, and its gentle light fell through the open curtains, softening the room. Giving up on sleep again, I got up and walked over to the window. The street lamp from earlier was still flickering orange, but the man was no longer lying under its harsh glare. Thinking about him again, I sighed. Steven said that he was worried I might die…but why wasn’t I worried? Shouldn’t I care that this whole thing might end up killing me? Or Steven? I felt tears welling up again and pushed them away angrily. This wasn’t the time to grow a heart. Of course I shouldn’t be worried about something that wasn’t going to happen. I just needed to relax again, wait for the feelings of helplessness pass…That was how I tried to deal with everything; go somewhere I could be alone and just let all the emotions drain away. Like a stone. Like something rather than someone.
The next morning, Steven yawned and stretched. “About time, too!” I laughed, pretending to have enjoyed a refreshing night’s sleep too. Steven shrugged and jumped out of bed. “Been awake long?” he asked happily. I shook my head. After all, it had only been…24 hours since I had last woken up. I smiled to myself. It had been exactly a day ago that we had gotten up, worried we would miss the Al Bhed man and let the trail of our real dad go cold. Now, we had an hour to get back to the Food Court, or there would be a lot more at stake. “We’d better go,” I said, blinking heavily to try and wake up, “It’s twelve o’clock.” Steven nodded and went into the bathroom, while I got changed quickly and pulled my hair back into a ponytail to stop it from annoying me today.
We decided to leave the hotel to arrive at the shopping district with twenty minutes to spare (with much pressuring from me). As Charlotte walked us back, I noticed the sky turn grey, oppressive, and just as we reached the inside-section of the shopping district, it began to rain, the drops hitting against the roof heavily, a hundred feet above. “We’re almost there, and fifteen minutes early cause of you!” I smiled at Charlotte but frowned as my pocket vibrated suddenly. **Will you stay Awake for me? I don’t wanna miss anything…** My ringtone pierced the air and I leapt to pull out my phone and smiled broadly. Charlotte merely rolled her eyes. “Julian, right?” I nodded and turned away, finding a seat quickly and answering the phone. “Hey there, mister. Missed you.”
Julian’s Venezuelan accent reached my ears, that smooth, comforting sound that caused me to cross my legs and giggle slightly, Charlotte pretending to retch beside me. “Hey. Listen, we need to talk. Liam’s told me what happened that week we were apart and I’m not happy.” I felt the colour drain from my face, and Charlotte looked at me concernedly, but I merely waved her concern. “I…what? What do you mean?” Julian ignored my question and continued to talk. “We were in love. Now, I’m not so sure. Since he told me, I’ve stopped feeling for you. Completely. I’m not angry, or sad, or worried… There’s nothing anymore.”
I brought my hand up to my mouth, looking around frantically in an attempt to pull my thoughts together. “I… You… Nothing? Nothing at all?” Julian remained silent. I took a moment to strengthen my voice before speaking again. “These last two days… you’ve been so distant… It’s killing me, Julian. Killing me inside. I love you so much… but if there’s nothing, then I… I can’t do this.” I wiped my watery eyes and continued talking before he could answer me. “I can’t just be friends with you. I couldn’t bear that. So there’s only one choice. Goodbye, Julian. Good luck with everything… I know you won’t miss me if you’re so blank. Goodbye forever.” I ended the call, and looked down to the floor. “Are… what’s happened?” Charlotte’s voice entered my thoughts, but I batted it away. It was over. In a few short, confusing moments, my life was over. I brought my knees up, hugging them, and began sobbing silently. Charlotte’s hand fell upon my shoulder, but I felt no comfort. I felt nothing but pure emptiness, and an unexplainable, irrevocable desire to end my life.
Charlotte’s own ringtone buzzed through the air and she answered expertly within a second. “Hello? Oh, yeah Elisa…now might not be the best time… Steve and Julian have… split up… You what? Okay, hang on.” I felt Charlotte’s hand tapping gently on my shoulder, and I looked up blearily to see Charlotte’s comforting smile and phone. I took the phone, putting it to my ear and wiping my eyes and nose. “Yeah? Oh, hi little sister. Yeah, stuff happened and he… didn’t feel for me anymore. So I ended it. Yes, it’s gonna hurt… I… Oh Elisa, he was my entire life, my reason for breathing, I want the happy times back so much…” I listened as Elisa fought my conscience and said everything I didn’t want to hear. I’d have to get together with him, he’s my happiness, and I’d have to give him another chance. I wrestled between my personal beliefs and my heart and decided. There was only one thing I could do.
“Thanks. Speak to you later.” I hung up, and gave Charlotte’s phone back to her, checking the time, ten minutes left. I ran through my phone’s contact list, finding his name (Julian Ricardo Caraballo… how perfect) and called him. When he answered, instantaneously, he sounded a little bleary himself. “Julian, it’s me. Before we go our separate ways, I need to let you know how much you mean to me. You’re my reason for being, my reason to be happy. You’ve changed me for the better, helped me curb those bad habits I used to have. I need to know… Is there any chance you’ll feel for me again?” I heard a sigh on the other end of the phone, and his perfect accent slipped inside my mind once more. “I just want you to be happy. I do love you, but I’m so confused, and I’ll just hurt you.” I drew in my breath. “Oh, is that what you’ve been worried about? Julian, I’m so sorry. You could never hurt me, not unless you threw me away… I still love you…”
I heard gentle laughter. “You do? In that case…Steven John David Jones, will you be my boyfriend… for the third time?” I drew my hand up to my mouth again and nodded, before replying. “Yes! Of course I will… I was afraid you didn’t love me anymore…” Julian laughed again. “I’ll always love you. And I’m willing to make this work again… If you are.” Charlotte tapped on my shoulder and then at her watch and I knew what she meant. “I’m sorry, darling, I have to go,” I said into the phone, “I’m late. I love you so much, Julian… my Raito… Take care!” I hung up and smiled over at Charlotte, who smiled gently back. “Better?” I nodded, wiping my eyes for a final time. “Much. Where will he be?” Charlotte pointed to a slowly moving crowd, and sure enough, in the distance, I saw three people walk through the crowd. Two men and a woman, and Rin was one of them. I nodded at Charlotte, and we walked forward to meet them.
