Dear God why are people so flipping complicated? Why is explaining myself to people so hard? Why do I keep losing the courage to do it? And why is it that, every time I try, I feel like I'm getting shut down?
Barriers are hard. Here's to working toward getting past them.
Long story short. Building one relationship up, and feeling hopeful but also really scared because I'm always devastated when things go wrong and that tends to happen a lot. I know that happens to a lot of people, but for some reason I always feel like a failure when it happens with me, and I also often feel like I shouldn't even bother picking myself back up and moving on, because then I'll only feel just as crushed the next time it happens. But I'm talking about my boyfriend here, and he's generally been pretty supportive of me no matter what. So that's nice.
The other relationship...the other one. Wow. I've just realized how much someone in my life has a tendency to hurt me and I'm not sure that she would stop if I asked her to...and that says a lot right there. Next time she does it I need to get up the courage to tell her not to, but...for some reason I just can't. Every time. I don't even think she means to, she's just a really...forceful person. Sometimes I let her roll right over me. I don't even try to stop her anymore; I know I can't.
I've also realized something, though. For all my insecurities and imperfections in the way that I come across, I am a good fucking person. I do so much for people even if I know they wouldn't do the same for me, and I don't expect anything in return. I'm willing to accept anyone as they are as long as they're not hurting people. And you know what? These are good qualities, developed from my own personal life experiences and carefully cultivated. Not everyone possesses those qualities; believe me, I know.
So at some point--make this a late New Year's resolution--I AM going to stand up to her. Because I don't deserve to be hurt, I really don't. Sure, I make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes; the nature of mine don't indicate that I'm more deserving of abuse than anyone else. So I'm going to stand up for myself this year, and I'm going to continue to do so, even if it makes me tired. And if she's not willing to change her behavior to stop hurting me, well, that speaks volumes. And it'll suck, but at least I'll know it's not my fault.
This has been: Sara rambling at 2 am with no filter. You're welcome. Or whatever.
I'm exhausted and frustrated and afraid. Not at my most eloquent right now.
Oh yeah. To clarify. This isn't referring to any of you. This is a person I know IRL.
