this is gonna be a long ramble lol
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wow, has three years really passed since i first started posting on TheO?? how time flies! so much has happened and so many things have changed since, when i think back 3 years ago, i was surely a different person.
i joined TheO several months before i started doing artist alleys across north america. university was a hard time for me, and i stopped drawing altogether after the first year. towards the end of 2012, a passionate kouhai of mine from high school reached out to me because she wanted to do art together again since we used to art trade. she dragged me onto tumblr and showed me all sorts of fandoms haha~ and slowly, i wanted to be involved too, i wanted go back to the world i was once living in. i started drawing again and wanted drawing friends, so i found TheO where the community is much closer than that of DeviantArt.
and i DID make friends! :'D i traded art and collabed, gave and received gifts, and met up with someone irl. it gave me the confidence to keep drawing, and my kouhai prompted me to go to various local anime cons together to sell our art. we even put together a magi doujinshi together! it was my very first doujinshi, and although i've always doodled comics here and there, i've never actually finished one that's good enough for print. it was an amazing feeling. then she disappeared.
the books never materialized because she stopped answering any form of messaging, and none of her university friends had seen her since. it was towards the end of the school year so no one took notice, but she vanished. at first i was angry. then i was worried. now i'm only resigned. i pray that she is alright and happy.
meanwhile, my artist alley life has started and it couldn't be stopped. AA's are addictive. the convention scene is high tension, high adrenaline, and chaotic. it also makes a shiny penny if you know how to sell things right. i became more and more immersed, and suddenly local cons couldn't satisfy me anymore. i started attending large cons in the US; from Chicago to Texas to LA, i went all over. sometimes i made a profit, sometimes i only just break even. didn't matter; i was happy doing what i love, and it at least paid enough for free vacations.
traveling has always been a big thing for me, and i would gladly use any excuse to fly anywhere, and using my art to help fuel my wanderlust was the perfect combination! at this point i made many artist friends who frequent AA's. they're people who also travel to many cons, and there are so many i know or recognize at every con. then, there became AA friends who are local, and we would sign up and travel to cons together. we talk about art, about AAs, about the many hilarious/terrible things that happen at cons, and about business. we were friends who have so much in common.
or so i thought.
Artist Alley is first and foremost, a MARKET. whatever pretty words people use like "it's a place to showcase amateur talent", "it's a good place to get exposure", etc, it never changes the fact that a MARKET is a place where goods are sold, and vendors have to compete to make profit. of course we're proud of our art, and we're proud of what we are showcasing, but that's not the only feeling one get from working at an AA. money changes everything. if someone whose art is better than yours is sitting beside you, selling much better than you, that's a lot of pressure on self-esteem. if that person is your friend, will it become envy and devolve to jealousy? if an artist draws worse than you but sells better, how should you feel then? if YOU'RE the big artist that sells well but all of your friends are experiencing bad sales, what should you feel? there is such an incredible amount of drama in the AA circle because of so much rampant but repressed bitterness that fights start to happen over petty things, people get upset over petty things, people end up doing petty things, and people purposely cause disruptions just to be ahead in the AA game. i see and hear too many disputes between artists, between artists and coordinators, and between artists and vendors (tho vendor pettiness is a whole different beast hahaha), all over the most selfish of reasons.
and then, the artists that DO get ahead, are those who are business savvy, organized, and possess market foresight. however, the more business savvy artists are, the more business-minded they become. i once had a a small group of friends with whom i would share info, we'd talk about con experiences and give reviews, and give each other tips. now this group of friends have expanded their AA market so big that we can't even share tables anymore. friends started to withhold information, intentionally formed better connections with other artist friends who are more successful, friends obviously using friends, and still smile and hang out at cons as if we all are still good friends. friends telling me blatant lies so i would willingly help them make more money. friends ignoring me because they don't want to reveal what they're drawing. friends taking my ideas and regurgitating them to others. friends talking to other friends behind my back, planning things with other friends.
i thought we were all friends before competition. it seems that it's reached the point where most of them behave the exact opposite. it's made me resentful, paranoid, equally petty, and incredibly lonely. i made really good friends in Artist Alleys, and i lost really good friends to Artist Alleys.
alas, not all artist cliques are like this in AAs of course. there are groups where they're tight, and work extremely well together, helping each other succeed. While i've been quite depressed working at the AA's this past year, i've also learned a lot, and i hope to improve, and become successful regardless of the kind of people that want to stick around. it's hard keeping a positive mindset, especially since as an artist it's instinctive to despite your own art, haha~ but i can't let my pessimism kill my motivation; i'd have nothing left otherwise! (;w; because really, i've devoted so much to AA, if i were to just stop altogether it would take me a bit to figure out what to do with myself. ^^;
they say it takes non-stop practice for 3 to 5 years to become pro at something. 2016 is my third serious year doing Artist Alley, and i've already made plans going to international conventions outside north america! i believe in all manners of planning, budgeting, production, logistics, execution, presentation, etc i've been improving exponentially with each show. After this year i will have to slow down and regroup.
a lot of people think Artist Alley is fun, profitable, and exciting. and it is. but it's also exhausting, draining, and disruptive. september and october of 2015, 2 months, 9 weeks, i did 9 conventions. i had 2 separate weekends off, and pulled off running 3 cons in one weekend. the constant drawing, printing, planning, etc was already killing me by mid summer; at San Japan i left my table completely at the mercy of my partner. I couldn't count money, i couldn't keep track of credit card sales, and i can barely speak coherently. after my last con of the year on the first weekend of december, i collapsed completely and got really sick for a week. the high number of commissions i'd take each con also took its toll on my drawing hand, and now i'm pretty sure i have some form of tendinitis. (-_-;
this doesn't mean i want to stop. i'm addicted. every time an AA registration opens i'm attracted to it like a moth to light; like a crackhead needing his next fix. but i no matter how business savvy i become, or how good i can manage AA tables, the foundation of this business is still //art//. at the rate i'm doing this, i'm not improving my art, and so this business consequently cannot improve either. selling fan art is also not an ideal career in a market that's ballooning and sprawled with the next wave of young, hopeful artists. moreover, fundamentally as an artist, this wasn't what i wanted to direct my creativity. i believe i have good ideas. i want to give them life. doing AA's like this will not help me, and instead it's hurting me deeply.
SO: my resolution for 2016 is to steel my focus, make this year a success regardless of the emotional mess flying about in the den, and look towards the many personal projects to be done come 2017 (and still try and do the large cons <3 ). i am extremely fortunate to have a boss who understands my youthful goals and continue to let me keep my job; i have siblings that can take care of my parents financially; and i have a boyfriend that don't care for anime, but is perfectly ok with me liking yaoi and traveling for long periods of time. i need to be grateful and take advantage of my blessings! >////<
and FD if you're reading this, i have no hard feelings towards you haha~ i wrote this mostly for myself to vent all these excess frustrations, to reflect, and thru expelling these ugly words i rebuild my strength and relight my motivations.
tl;dr: I'M SO DONE WITH YOU SNOBBY, TWO-FACED JERKS!! I'M GONNA DO WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH OR WITHOUT YOU AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE BETTER OR WORSE. I'M GOING TO GET BETTER. hmph!
p.s. a lot of people put me on a pedestal, regard me differently, sometimes even refuse to be friends simply because i draw "better", or that i'm a "big artist". that's hurtful. i'm sure everyone here KNOWS how much practice and time go into being able to draw what you draw, to transfer what's in your head onto paper. i'm mostly self-taught -- do you know how long a complete drawing takes me?? OBVIOUSLY I'M A LONG TERM SHUT-IN OTAKU NERD WEEB DON'T BE MEAN AND NOT BE MY FRIEND???? i cry over the stupidest shit like levi senpai slapping eren with a harisen??? (will no name please sing me to sleep every night)
but please don't actually be hurtfully mean either. owo;;
hrr.
graceful ending. i feel so good right now.
