Back in the day, I produced two seasons of an amusing little series I called Three Line Theater: a series about anime briefly, vaguely, and brutally summarised in three lines of speech each. As we all know, sometimes we just don't have the time to check out all the anime shows we'd like.
Today, the two seasons of Three Line Theater make their glorious return to theOtaku, restored and remastered for Version Vibrant! We've taken the best of the old seasons and added some never-before-seen new entries to bring you thirty-seven shockingly shameless summaries! Without any further ado, I present Three Line Theater: Special Edition... and again, Whether you're missing out or not is up to you...
.hack//SIGN:
"I'm stuck in the world."
"That's why we have to find the key of the twilight."
("Shine, bright morning light, now in the air the spring is coming . . .")
Azumanga Daioh:
"Everyone focus! We have to study for exams!"
"....................................."
"......................study for what?"
Beck: Mongolian Chop Squad:
"Life sucks..."
"What the f__k are you saying?! Koyuki would make a great f__king vocalist!"
("Full moon sways, gently in the night of one fine day...")
Bleach:
"Ichigo! You must take up my duty as a shinigami!"
"Ichigo! You can only defeat him if you release your bankai!"
"Ichigo...BWAAHAHAHAAAAH!!!"
Cowboy Bebop:
"I'm hungry..."
"[POW! BANG! WHAM!]"
"I'm still hungry..."
Death Note:
"With this Death Note, I shall become god of this new world..."
"...Kira may think he’s a god, but his actions are undeniably evil..."
"...I’ll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!"
Dragonball Z:
"Haaaaaaaaaahhh!!!"
"What?! That's impossible!!!"
("NEXT TIME, on DRAGONBALL Z . . .")
Excel Saga:
"Hail Lord Il Palazzo! Yeah! Whoo! He's number one! He's number one..."
"...'zzo..."
"I'm Nabeshin."
FLCL:
"[
]"
"[
]"
("...oh yeahhhh! Yeah yeah, yeah!")
Fruits Basket:
"Tohru, you’re such an idiot, what’s wrong with you?!"
"Tohru, you’re such a pushover, why don’t you stand up for yourself?!"
"Oh! No, that’s okay, really!"
Fullmetal Alchemist:
"The Philosopher's Stone can restore our bodies!"
"The Philosopher's Stone is made of people!"
"...In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth..."
Full Metal Panic:
"Your mission is to protect Miss Kaname Chidori."
"Miss Chidori, I have taken precautions by booby-trapping the classroom entrance."
"Sousuke, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Full Metal Panic: Fumoffu:
"Miss Chidori has been captured?!"
"Fumo, fumo! FUMOFFU!"
"Sousuke, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Gundam SEED:
"Damn you Coordinators! You killed my friends!"
"Damn you Naturals! You killed my friends!"
"[Flashback to Nicol and Tolle exploding...]"
Gunda SEED Destiny:
"Damn it Coordinators! You started another war!"
"Damn it Naturals! You started another war!"
"[Flashback to Shinn's dead sister and Stellar...]"
Gundam Wing:
"Oh my god! It's a Gundam!"
"We mustn't fight! That only leads to more fighting!"
"But you are my enemy, so we must fight."
Hellsing:
"I can't be a vampire!"
"You must accept that you're a vampire!"
"Compared to me, you all suck as vampires."
Infinite Ryvius:
"Aires Blue and his group are in control for now... but we can't trust them..."
"The Zwei are now in control... but I don't know how long we can trust them..."
"Kouji, you're hurt again!"
Love Hina:
"Toudai, Toudai... ah! I shouldn't be here! Sorry!"
"Eeek! Pervert!!!"
"[WHAP]"
Lucky Star:
"Doesn’t this remind you of that part in those games?"
"Everything reminds you of parts in those games…"
"LUCKY CHANNEL!!! OHALUCKY!!!"
The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya:
"Kyon! I have a great idea for the SOS Brigade!"
"Once again she got another crazy idea that’ll probably end with me in pain the next morning both physically and mentally as well as causing unknown horrors upon the rest of the club that barely counts as a club as is even though I know we’re formally recognised as such and yet..."
"Agh! I’m so bored!"
Naruto:
"Naruto, you're a moron... but you'll be the best ninja ever."
"[Filler.]"
"Naruto, you're a moron... but you'll be the best ninja ever. And you know the Rasengan."
Neon Genesis Evangelion:
"I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away...whoa, nudity..."
"Congratulations."
("Furaiiii me to za moooon...")
Noir:
"We are Noir."
"I am the real Noir."
"[Gunfight]"
Otogizoushi:
"I have to pretend to be my brother and save Kyoto- [Kaboom]"
"I have to find my brother and save Tokyo- [Kaboom]"
"...who are you?! What is going on?!"
Peacemaker Kurogane:
"Puppy-boy? Where did that cute little page go?"
"Hi'jika'ta-saan! Let me rub your back a little..."
"Dah-nah chka-chka dah-nah chka-chka dah-nah..."
Pokemon:
"I'm gonna be the best trainer ever!"
"But plant type pokemon are weak against fire!"
"Pikaaaaa..."
Prince of Tennis:
"There it is! Twist serve!"
"Mada mada dane..."
"As expected of our Echizen!"
Princess Mononoke:
"Humans are evil!"
"The animal gods are evil!"
"They're all demons!"
Ranma 1/2:
"I don't love that uncute tomboy!"
"Ranma, you jerk!"
"[Kick! Splash! Breast development!]"
Rurouni Kenshin:
"I want to kill the Battousai!"
"No! But he mustn't kill ever again!"
"Oro?"
Sailor Moon:
"Moon prism POOOWER!"
"I am Sailor Moon, champion of justice! On behalf of the moon I will right wrongs and triumph over evil... and that means you!"
"MooOON HEEALiiing ACTIVATIOOON!!!"
Bishoujo Senshi Sera Mun:
"Muuun purisumu pauwaaah! Meiku-appu!"
"Love and justice's pretty soldier in a sailor suit, Sailor Moon! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"
"Muuun hiringuuuu escaLEISHOOON!!!"
Samurai Champloo:
"Man, we haven't eaten decently in a while..."
"[Swordfight... Beatbox...]"
"We need to eat..."
s-CRY-ed:
"KAZUMAAAAA!!!"
"RYUHOUUUUU!!!"
"HAAAAAAMER!!!"
Trigun:
"Love and peace!"
"He can't be Vash the Stampede!"
"Nya."
Vision of Escaflowne:
"You have to save the fate of Gaia."
"I can control the fate of Gaia with my machine."
"Vaaaaaaaaaan-sama!!!!!"
And that concludes today's retrospective look on a classic theOtaku.com feature about classic anime told in a truly classless manner. As with last time, special thanks goes out to Red Tigress, with whom I originally thought up this premise back in '05 - Thanks a ton, Red!
