Consciousness returned to me like a wave receding into the ocean. I heard a faint pounding sound, and thought it was just in my head, the pain I was feeling. When the noise only got louder, I realized it was reality, knocking at my door.
"Rex...it's Ximh!"
...Or maybe it was just Ximh. The sound of his voice calling me seemed muffled, like my ears were stuffed with cotton. I couldn't move, couldn't open my mouth to answer, couldn't open my eyes to see as he broke into my room. He rushed over to me, lifted my face off the floor, and started patting me. "REX! Hey! Wake up...what happened?"
What happened was a good question. I struggled to open my eyes, to try and catch something that would jump start my memory. I saw the blurry image of Ximh's spiky hair, my room swirled around in the background. I tried to pick myself off the floor, but found I couldn't even move, and panicked.
Reverting back to my baser instincts, my eyes snapped open wide and my breathing grew harsh and fast. With frantic motions, my hands twitched as I tried to claw my way out of Ximh's arms, but he held on fast. "Hang on a minute, Rex," he said. "It's just me, Ximh. You know? Orange spiky hair dude? Electricity all over the place? Newbie you swore to protect?"
Ximh...my mind cleared up as I recognized him. "Ximh..." I managed to rasp out his name after a couple attempts at speech. "What happened?"
He shrugged awkwardly, helping me off the ground. "I dunno. I was hoping you could tell me," he said, as I staggered over to my window seat. Plunking down gracelessly, I held my head in my hands, trying to press back the dull pain that resonated. I glanced around the room, looking for some clue...my chains on the floor...traces of a dark energy...pictures of Giovanni, Dorian, and Kateri on my dresser...
I slapped a palm to my forehead as a sharp pain raced through it. Giovanni...the Leader..."That bastard," I growled as I remembered. Ximh looked at me worriedly.
"The Leader," I said, "he found out about my--something I did, and came here...how long have I been out?" I had almost informed Ximh of my actions. Thankfully I caught myself.
He shrugged. "I don't know," he admitted. "I just got back from a mission myself. Rex...are you alright?"
I ran a hand through my wild hair. The Leader had gotten inside of my mind...past the barriers I always had in place...and completely terrorized my mind. Forcing me to relive those foreign memories that still flashed in my own mind was the worst thing in the world. Stripping the layers away and shoving my own secret desires in my face was even worse. Of course everything he had said was true: after seeing the look on Giovanni's face as he died that night, how could I not feel guilty?
"Perhaps the question is how could I feel guilty," I said lowly with a mirthless laugh.
"Huh?"
I shook my head. "Nothing, Ximh," I said to him.
"No," he said slowly, "I heard what you said, but...maybe" He trailed off, and I looked to him expectantly. "There are more ways--"
I sighed in disgust. "--to feel than through a heart. I'm beginning to get the point, thanks much," I finished for him. It seemed like everyone around me was on the same page, determined to leave me out of the loop. I slumped back against the window, suddenly exhausted.
"I-I didn't mean to make you upset," Ximh said quietly. "It's just...I've been experiencing some things lately, and it's making me wonder."
We sat in companionable silence for a short while, each of us caught up in our thoughts. Maybe...maybe it was just my destiny to yearn for that which I didn't have, the huntress in me. It would make sense, after all. The ultimate hunt: a quest to feel, the very thing lacking that makes me who I am. But to feel would be to deny my very nature, undo everything that made me strong. I sighed.
"Ximh," I said.
"Yeah," he replied.
"To be nonexistent is the most complicated thing in the world. More complicated than life itself," I complained.
He snorted, and smiled at me. "You're telling me? I think I'm about to have girl problems. My drama so beats your drama."
For a moment, we just stared at each other, and then we laughed. "Ooh, girl drama. Not even being tortured by the Leader beats that," I said, only partly kidding.
"Yeah," he replied, understanding. I nudged him in the side. "If you ever need help or anything," I said quietly, fidgeting a little, "I've got memories on the subject, you know. I can help you out."
He smiled again. "Thanks," he said. "I don't know how, but if you need my help in any way..."
"I'll give you a holler. Not that I will, mind you. I'm a very independent person," I said boldly, trying to save whatever was left of my badass reputation.
"Sure," said Ximh with a nod. He got up to leave, and then turned back to me. "Hey, do you want something to eat? I'm pretty hungry myself, and you look like you could use something."
I nodded, and made to get up to my feet, and would have collapsed to the floor, were it not for Ximh's quick action. He held me around the waist as I gathered my bearings and stood up straight. "Maybe I should just bring you back something," he said, unsure.
"No," I growled, feeling a little more like myself. "I will not have food brought to me like some invalid. It takes more than a little torture to put me out of commission."
Ximh looked worried, but helped me out the door anyway. "If you say so," he said, and we headed down the hallway towards the kitchen.
