That's what I need to do.
I need to learn to grow the heck up.
I always try to be mature, but I can't be.
I'm only fifteen, for gods sake. Most freshman are older than me. And I'm sick and tired of people reminding me.
And I'm sick of these stupid expectations people have of me.
Screw it.
Just bug off. I can do what I want. So what if I don't have the perfect 4.0 like you wanted? I know I'll probably need it. But this is too difficult for me, I'm not perfect like you were.
And my procrastination. It needs to STOP STOP STOP.
Like right now. What the HELL am I doing?
Not like it matters anyway, I'm not going to show this to anyone who actually thinks of me like this.
I'm so stressed right now. And I know you guys here always help. You always do. And Tegaki, too. I seriously freaking love you all.
But your words, as much as I cherish them, don't mean anything to the people I'm hiding this from.
I'm a goddamned coward, is what I am. I have no balls. Ok, so I'm a chick, why would I have balls. But really, I have no real belief in myself.
And the little that I do have gets crushed every time she yells at me. Or someone gives me that little comment that erodes away at my self confidence.
Don't go thinking I'm like, emo or something. I'm not planning on killing myself. I'm just getting real sick of standards, of myself. I want to change. But I can't. I don't know how.
But at the same time, I'm still a little kid! Don't expect me to be some adult! I'm not the same age as you! I'm fifteen! I have the right to act immature.
Really, I act the way I do to make you laugh. I don't care so much if it's at me more than with me. Maybe I do, just a little. But it's better than sitting there quietly judging me.
I can't be perfect. No matter how much I tend to abhor her, Hannah Montana is correct. Nobody's perfect.
I can't stick up for myself either. When we were talking about religion and children today in class, you got mad. You got mad because you said that if you don't believe in God, there's no reason to go and tell anyone.
Not saying I'm atheist or anything, but really? REALLY? Why not? We have freedom of expression in this country of ours. I don't totally agree with your views, so I won't disrespect them, though. However, I just lost some respect for you.
I really can't stick up for myself. In drivers' ed, we were sitting, watching that video and powerpoint about drunk driving and the instructor asked if anyone knew someone who had been killed by a drunk driver.
I couldn't breathe. If I had opened my mouth, I would have started sobbing. And who wants to be know as the girl who started crying in the middle of class?
So I nodded my head. He didn't notice.
"Oh, nobody? There's at least one or two people a class who do."
NO NO NO. I DO.
My aunt.
I never even met her.
Damn it.
When I tried to mention later how I wish he'd paid more attention, you were insensitive. Maybe it wasn't on purpose, but I was too afraid to tell you that I'm weak. That I wanted to cry.
So what if I never met my aunt? She was still a part of my family. I saw what those families went through, and I don't want to have to think that that's what MY family went through.
You just shrugged it off. That was a bit cold, even for you.
And that's enough now. I have almost five papers to write for tomorrow, and a test to study for.
I really want to get sick. So badly. Anything to miss tomorrow's hell.
P.S. There's no way this is going in my main world... It's too angsty. Not "Sunshine"y at all. Though this is no fanfiction or real writing, I really needed to write this.
Maybe I want sympathy. I don't know.
It makes me a horrible person. I know.
