"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.:

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."

"If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him."

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

"Think off-center. "

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

"Get on the plane. Get on the plane." I say, "***** you, I'm getting IN the plane! IN the plane! Let Evil Knievel get ON the plane! I'll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less WIND in here!"

"Down the tubes -- hear that one a lot. People say, "Ah, the country is going down the tubes." What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do they go? And how come there's more than one tube? It would seem to me, one country, one tube. But is every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now? One tube is all you need. But a tube that big? Somebody would have seen it by now. "Hey Joey! Get a load of these *****' tubes!"

'There banning toy guns....And KEEPING THE ***** REAL ONES!!!"