Hello, hello. My name is Xan and I will be your host this evening. Tonight we are serving Boring Life Problems, SHAMELESS Self Promotion, Conceited Blathering, and Mainly Stupid Stuff. Our most popular wine is Why Me. May I seat you?
Feel free to browse but try not to carouse! I hope you enjoyed my pun up there, because I sure did. Here's some boring facts about moi:
- Not a chick
- Not a dude
- So stfu
- I love you! ily, ilu, <3
- I am the Prince of Punk
Blah blah blah BLAH BLAH UGH HOW BORING.
There's really not much else to say. In my past-time I sleep and draw ugly pictures. Sometimes I write stupid words, which you can see in my only other world "Ugh Just Some Words." Otherwise I'm just a piece of trash weeb.
I'm stuck writing this philosophy paper and I hate Descartes. He is so stupid. So. So stupid. I'm trying to prove that the mind exists because it thinks. Because it thinks, it doubts, and because it doubts, it doubts its existence, thus it exists. Because why? FUck if I know! Maybe it exists because we doubt it. By doubting its existence, it proves it exists by its self-awareness. And how does that prove ANYTHING????? Because it is self-aware, it thinks. Because it thinks, it senses. Because it doubts, it doubts its senses, and thinks "Do I exist?" and it DOES exist simply because no reason at all. It is midnight and I am pissed and confused and stressed.
Hey guys, maybe you should check out 8tracks.com because it's a great site and has all kinds of mixes for every single mood out there. I looked up "lovesick" and now I'm listening to a mix called "but I'll be seeing you" and it doesn't seem that bad. Idk. So if you're feeling down or if you want music to match your mood without putting too much effort into it, go to 8tracks because that's what I do.
I want to jump into a pile of bricks so I can break my legs and quite possibly quit school for the rest of eternity. Maybe I'll contract a rare disease so I can suffer and live off of welfare checks for the rest of my life instead of going to college. Anything, please god.
Okay, so I'm not actually that desperate. I just feel like shit right at this moment. I'm tired and I'm hungry and I have a headache and I'm just pissed. My boss doesn't even care about most of us, including me, and my project was stupid and undeveloped and I proposed it to a staff member and we pretty much revised the whole thing and I feel like an idiot for even trying. I just want to sleep and have Saturday come and go. I want to write my papers and do any homework that doesn't involve reading at all.
I wish I still liked to read. Nowadays I just get upset and triggered by any book I read. Oh, a book on children with strange powers? I guess I better get sad because hey, I'm not used to emotionally charged situations. Great! Let's have a panic attack over virtually nothing and abandon all our activities to calm down for no apparent reason!
Good lord.
Man I was having an okay day. I woke up late because my class was cancelled, and then went to my other class and to work. Our work has five shifts a day, and they're each an hour and two quarters long. So I worked the fourth, and I was going to work the fifth but while we were just sitting around at the shop before we went to clean campus I felt bad. So I shrugged it off, and then I thought, "I don't want to work." So I wondered why, and I paid attention to my thoughts and my body and I found I was having a panic attack. Which is strange. Because besides the fact that I was interacting with my boss whom I love, there was really no reason.
This is about the fourth time this has happened. The first time was when I was playing video games and I just got embarrassed that I would lose or something ridiculous and small like that, and I had a pretty major one. The second time... I was interacting with some friends and had to go to my room to calm down. The third time I was at work and everybody was being really loud, and while that usually doesn't bother me I got upset. And then today. Whenever I get like that I can't do anything but take a breather or else it keeps getting worse.
Damn. I don't know what to do. My head kind of hurts now. What really bothers me is that my boss just sees me as another worker. Not a person or anything. I'm just... this ignorant little person. Stupid stupid dumb. I'm just tired now. I feel drained. I wish I didn't have panic attacks over dumb things. Why can't I freak out over, like... I don't know, when my nanny died before Christmas break, why didn't I freak out then? That's reasonable. That's normal. But no. I just freak out over... I don't even know. I'm afraid I might be developing a panic disorder.
Anyways, yesterday was awesome, today kind of sucked. The End.
I am in the best mood today!!!! I feel soooo happy! It was such a sunny, beautiful day, and I sat outside for a while and enjoyed it and walked around campus barefoot and it was just an amazing day!!! Now I'm listening to junky pop music because I'm trash!
Man, do I feel awesome! And tonight me and my friends are going to read aloud to each other! :3 I feel so happy. I've said that at least five times... um. I'm so happy I will allow myself to use that emote.
Ah! And the peepers are out, and there's a full moon tomorrow, and people here actually like me and want to hang out with me! Boy, is that so exciting!
If only I wasn't in love with Thomas. I just. Want him to love me back. Not even like physically love me. Just have feelings for me. Man. Oh, he is so lovely. I love his everything. Or maybe I'm deluded and just think I do because I'm in the puppy-love stage of relationships. Perhaps. But for now I will enjoy thinking of him and his cuteness.
Later guys! I'm gonna' go read stories with my friends!!!
Love,
Xan
