Back to college. Ugh. Man, classes haven't even started yet. I'm just sitting here reading ahead, hoping I won't fall behind, and I'm already tired. My face hurts, but maybe it's because of my computer screen. Bluh. Wever.
Winter Break was good. I hung out. Got lots of rest. Was bored out of my mind. I'm happy to be back at home with all of my friends, though. I really missed college.
I have a new roommate, once again. This is my third one. Maybe they leave because of me... but who knows. Oh well. I'll get over it one day.
I've got my room organized for who knows how long... probably a couple of days at the most. Sigh.
I've got to step up my game this semester. I got a C+ last semester and the rest were B's, but that barely cuts it to keep my scholarship. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to really try. I don't put out any quality work. The least I try to do is pass. I want to put out quality because from a young age I discovered that creating quality work and doing what the teacher wants are two different things, and I liked doing quality work. Maybe it's just I focus on being impressive rather than doing the actual work. You see, I like to change people, make them react, make them think. How can you do that if you don't change things up a little bit? Do some bad, do some good, be totally different, and make them think and change their views on life. Mostly because I always had this idea that people thought in mundane, stereotypical ways. Sometimes they do, but they are all incredibly diverse.
So now I try to change them in outright ways. If they ask for help or want me to help whenever I ask, I will do so, and give my honest opinion. I try my best to not act like I'm smarter than others or try and pull sly tricks on them behind their back. But sometimes I'm the temptation is too much, and I cover up my sly games with a smile, laughter, and a playful attitude. Which may still come through as sinister because I still think I'm better than everyone else. How does one defeat such an ego? Somehow I have to humble myself. But I believe in no God, nor any type of soul. And even when I'm met with one in higher power, I try to overcome said power. No, I am no sociopath. I just... really like power. I'm pretty much addicted to feeling high and mighty.
But that is never the whole story, and as such is the same case with moi. I care about others, I have empathy, I want attention and love. But people used to not think that I deserved it because I did nasty things and grasped for power in every situation. And at some point I believed them. I believed I deserved nothing more than death. I was already torturing myself, so I would rather die than keep suffering. You have to live with yourself forever, anyways.
But people wanted me to live. They loved me, even after all my nastiness and my power hungry stints. One, because most of them were family, and two because I had some good qualities. Sometimes I don't understand it at all.