Hey guys. Let's play a game of, "Why is Xan upset today?" I know you love those games. Why would you be here otherwise?
So, today I went to work. And as I worked I thought. Which is never good, just to let you know. I just... maybe I lost confidence.
I was thinking about vigilantes and heroes. Vigilantes don't get recognized for their work, they get punished for it. They work when nobody else can do the job right. Heroes, on the other hand, work up front. It's like Batman is the vigilante and Superman is the hero. One is behind the scenes, the other does his job in plain sight.
And then I started thinking about my ideas of strong and weak. What is strong is beautiful. There is power in this beauty. There is a sadness in it as well, but that makes it all the more beautiful. This sadness gives the strength reason. But the weak...... the weak is submissive. The weak is cute-looking and innocent. Tousled hair, blank stare, funny. That is weak.
Okay, so maybe that's messed up. I got this idea that wallowing in pain and sadness and beauty is being strong. And that seeing life through your own lens, seeing the goodness in life, and just being plain silly about some things is weak.
I guess how I think about it is that this wallowing is what makes somebody stronger, and going about life without seeing pain and sadness, just skipping through the field of Privilege, is weak. And maybe it is. And I want to be really strong, so I want to go through as much pain and sorrow as possible. I want to come out the strongest. Mostly so I can gather my strength and show the people who hurt me what it feels like, or change something in the world. I've learned things the hard way. So maybe I think that's how I have to learn everything. Also, maybe I think strength is intelligence.
Anyways, the point is that... happiness doesn't mean you are weak. Happiness probably means you are strong. And I don't have to make myself stronger by going through bad shit.
But... why does being strong matter? Well, I think having strength in a lot of areas is important. But I think I'm talking more about importance and power. I don't feel important enough. And I don't feel important enough because...? . . . I guess I don't really know. I just don't feel good enough for anybody or anything. Which leads me to talk about too many problems like social phobias and things. UGH.
I'm just going to leave.