Hmmm.... I don't exactly know how to feel. My boss without thinking told me to grow a backbone, and so I confronted him about it at the end of the day saying, "I have a request. That you don't tell me to, 'grow a backbone' unless it is a professional critique," and he apologized. He told me that he saw great potential in me, and I told him that every single person in my entire life does as well, and if they start pushing me towards being great then they usually end up being violent. Examples are my douchebag of a brother and my abusive ex, along with my mom. They just start being downright mentally abusive (as well as the rest with my ex), and I can't take it. Not that my boss would do that, though I'm worried that people have it in them if they go unchecked for too long.
So I told him it makes me uncomfortable, and he told me that I am enough as I am, and that I don't have to be more because I am here. So.... that was.... interesting. I'm kind of freaking out because I just kind of told off my boss, and the power structures in my brain are screaming at me, but I am thinking that is a good thing. Because I am so... formal, and... uptight about things. Things like power structures and what goes where and what happens when. I have to have things put in categories, and if they're out of place I have this belief that everything will be just damned terrible. Maybe it's a superstition. Because, like, things are so fragile, and I break stuff all the time, so if I don't act just right, if things aren't placed just right, it all falls down.
Maybe this ties into my idea that I don't have a strong sense of self. So I just do whatever I want to portray whatever type of person I want to be. But then I break character and people find out that I'm a liar... Hm. Which means that I just have to be strong and brave (read: confident) enough to be myself. But I get so mixed up about what I like and who I am because of the abuse, and for lying to myself for so long about different people and situations. Because being a kid and growing up is hard. It's hard and nobody understands, not even the kid--hell, especially not the kid.
And also because I doubt my own thoughts most of the time, and everything in my brain is mixed up, so I have to keep things very orderly or in their respective categories or else I just fall apart. Because I have to keep bad thoughts over here, and they can't mix with everyday life because if they do I can't function, but they do anyways so it doesn't matter, but the order matters because it's what keeps me sane and functioning.
"What happened if it went away?" You might ask. The answer is... well... I... don't know? I mean, I've tried it a couple times, I've tried to just float out into the void, but I just keep losing my sense of self and then life comes rushing in and my thoughts go back and organize themselves in their old positions. I just get a bad feeling from the thought of letting go. Maybe I should make a plan for reorganization, and then do it. Or maybe I should, "Re-write Xan's History," as it has been said, and then DO THE MIND-Y THING. (Okay, so that was the worst, downright WORST Homestuck reference I've made so far. I apologize.)
I bet this is really weird for you all, me talking about my brain like it's a damned storage room or a machine or something, but... I guess that's the only way I work? I mean, damn, I used to think I was a robot after my dad died. Some of that feeling is still left over, so it just lets me dissociate from my brain and my surroundings enough to do what I need. Damn, that's probably why I don't always react. Which is probably why people accuse me of not caring and having no emotions. Or they used to. Whatever. The point is that not every damned mental leap has to be slogged through because I can just rearrange shit at will. I may get caught up in some memories, but I can get myself back on track with what I'm doing. Eventually.
Maybe I've been dissociating my entire life. Maybe there was some key event that made me dissociate very, very young, but I don't realize that it did or I don't remember it. Maybe it was my entire pre-school experience. It was pretty terrible... Hm. I remember saying in third or fourth grade to my still-friend-since-kindergarten that there was a time once a day that everything became clear, and it was like the rest of the time I was living in this pink bubble, and that "once a day" clarity I got was like the bubble popping for a few minutes, only for everything to become clouded over again.
I... I guess I still feel like that sometimes. Except now I know it's under my control. So I've just got to make it go away. But I don't really know what that is. It feels like everything becomes real, like I'm actually alive, like I can actually feel and think clearly. Except these days I have to blend everything together so I can lie to myself and feel real all the time because I would go insane otherwise. And believe fully and honestly that I'm not real. Which means I Wouldn't Function Properly. So it's like, this weird pink bubble fogginess paired with dissociation father-death robotness and the outcome is Not Good.
The question is what do I do when I let go into the void? Hmm.... I'm scared of panicking if I pay too much attention to how I feel, and when I feel like I'm not real I may cause a scene. Maybe it's worth it, though. It might be fun, getting out of work because I don't believe that reality exists. Maybe I can deal with it in a calm manner and work things out instead of being rushed to the hospital and put on anti-psychotics. This means I can stop panicking all the time and just... float away. And at the same be aware of what is happening, deal with how I feel and with my memories, and work through some stuff on the front lines. This sounds like a great idea, and don't you fucking quote me on that because I swear to the gods that I will smite every ounce of your being if you bring up one word of it. Not that anybody is still reading, anyways.
Whatever. I'm going to go and make a plan to go out into the void and then believe that reality doesn't exist for a while. Hopefully I will return.