Blah blah blah *problems* blah blah blah *complain* blah blah blah
Ugh, who even cares? Bluh.
I'm just going to lay here and dieeeeeeeeee
Like the damned emo kid I am

Enough of that.
I don't think I'm in love with my boss anymore... I had a dream that he asked me to marry him, and I said yes and then proceeded to flip my shit. Like, I have my whole life in front of me?? I have, like, never ever been in a healthy relationship. I don't want kids because I'm so fucked up with my genes. I want to experiment and play around, you know? Like, I had this feeling that I wasn't actually that infatuated with him, and I think that dream proves it. Maybe I've just assigned him a meaning, so he symbolizes something that I want, but I don't actually want *him* I just want that meaning. Ugh.
I don't know. I want to, like, hang around with people. Not just sit in my room and sometimes chat with my roommate but mostly sit in silence, you know? I wanna get out and hang with people and have awesome conversations and learn new things. Do weird shit that doesn't involve drugs and alcohol, which is hard to find. Sigh. My roommate is nice, she just... doesn't do much. And every night she *has* to talk with her boyfriend over skype or by phone or whatever. And she does it for *hours* at a time. I love her, but, damn... Whatever. It's not like I do anything but sit here on the computer anyways. I just can't think of anything to do. It's that whole "Can't do something unless prompted" thing again. Or unless I have to. If I'm not entertaining people I just... shut down.
Ugh, gods. I shouldn't be complaining. I guess I just feel salty, as the kids say these days. Mm. I'm bored. I wanna' interact with people. But they're scary... Ugh. What a predicament. Who cares.
I'm going to a small, one day con in August, and I've ordered part of my cosplay. Hopefully it gets here in time... I didn't even think about that. Oh well. I just have to get a shirt and a hat now. I ordered the tights, I've got kickass shoes, I've got shorts... and makeup... Maybe if I find a good jacket I'll add that. I'm going as Street!stuck Sn0wman. It should be fun.
Well, I've been on medication for three years, and this is my third week off of it. I don't know how long the half life is of my meds... but I will be officially "clean" in a couple of months, hopefully. But it may take up to a year, my roommate said. But whatever. You will get to see un-medded Xan! Hooray! Applause... Yeah. I don't know what the difference is going to be. I never noticed a difference while on my medication. Maybe it was really gradual. But, perhaps, since I quit cold turkey, there will be noticeable differences. Oh, shit, I just don't notice anything because I just don't. If I don't know that there is anything to notice, I don't notice it. Or... maybe I just... depersonalize enough so that I'm too distanced from my feelings to tell what's happening to me emotionally. Maybe... maybe all of this is made up. Maybe I don't actually think this stuff or feel this way. Or maybe I do, and these emotions are the ones strong enough to run the distance. That really sucks. That means I got some intense emotions going on. Oh shit. Yep, that's the pink bubble. I still have it. Whenever I, like, feel my emotions clearly, that's the pink bubble going away. They are intense, man. And I don't want to feel them. So I want to keep them away.
And the only damned time I felt safe enough to feel my emotions, I get threatened to not be able to do what I want, or I go to a shit hospital, or my entire future is on the line. Because time is running out, and I only have so many chances. So I gotta' stay in school, I gotta' go to work, I gotta' get a good job, I gotta' gotta' gotta'. Ugh. This is dumb. Oh, man. This sucks. I'm sad. There is no room in This American Life for pause or for sadness.
The mindset is like, "If we ignore sadness and badness and horrible things, they won't exist." So that's how America is run. But I don't wanna' get on a soap box, so I won't. I just. Want to have time in my life, my shitty, poverty-stricken life, to just have some time for myself, ya' know? To just figure shit out. I don't know. We just always act like we have to be constant. Or else Bad Things happen. But... maybe not? What if we just... slowed down things. Something like the education system, perhaps? Stop trying to cram so much information in such a short amount of time. And instead focus on teaching the kids how to learn, and then teach them material, and... just, longer times in school to give them more time to absorb information. Not like, one semester classes where you learn the entirety of the history of the world. That's just stupid.
Whatever. Off the soap box. I have problems with the education system is all. We're, like, one of the dumbest countries, so we think that speeding up the learning system is going to work. Whatever. Stupid.
I'm going to go away. Byeeeeee