Man, you people must get tired of me posting every damned day.
It's pretty much official: nobody wants to hang out with me. Not even one of my best friends at college. I'm just so... I don't know. Unlikable? Angry? Awkward? Overbearing? Judgmental? Or maybe just... not entirely there. Because I depersonalize. I realized I still do it. I don't have any emotions regarding my freshmen dorm, and everybody else hated it. I don't realize any reasons to hate it. I don't categorize events as good or bad: my nanny dies, I know it has to happen. I don't call it a bad thing because she was suffering and death is inevitable. I don't call it a good thing because I'm sad and will never see her again. I don't realize any changes in atmosphere, I don't realize anything! I'm just self-absorbed and angry and sad. And I'm angry and sad because I'm self-absorbed. But if I start to ignore this anger and sadness, I start to feel funny. I don't feel right. Almost like I'm not entirely present in the situation.
I bottle things up. Maybe that's an issue. I don't speak my mind and become passive-aggressive. But most of my complaints are petty and stupid! I just get so upset over the smallest of things! I'm such a drama queen! AUGH! I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. I hate myself. I wish I could jump into a bonfire. Or into a canyon. Or just rot away in a ditch. I need love and support, BUT NO! I push everyone away so I DON'T get that love and support!
Maybe because I think I'm being dramatic. Maybe I am being dramatic. And then when I calm down, I just forget about it. Everything is okay again. It all melts away. THAT'S why I'm dramatic. Because otherwise I am numb.
I hate this. I can't. I can't, that's it, I can't. I just should be alone and not feel anything for the rest of my life. Live in a cabin out in the woods and just watch the sun rise and set, rise and set, rise and set until I feel nothing. Until I think nothing. Until I am nothing.
Shake your body right.