Yo what up. I was thinking lately about getting back on, so I did. It feels like it has been forever, but probably not. And I'm just here to be over dramatic about things as always, so no changes.
I'm unsure anymore about what is real regarding my feelings, I think. I over react a lot. A LOT. So I'm not sure.... what is considered important or not regarding how I think about myself. I was talking with my therapist on campus and she now thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is basically that I grew up in an unstable household where I had to adapt to my surroundings very quickly in order to stay out of trouble, and so now I have an unstable identity. It's got nothing to do with borderlines, that title is just outdated. And I think that she is right... I can be a people-pleaser at times too. I try to fit people's expectations to get them to like me.
God, this is so stupid! I just... post and freak out about thing after thing, and I'm never happy, and I hate myself, and.... Fuck! I think people just get fucking sick of it! I need constant affirmations that I shouldn't need, and then I will freak out again and again and again over stupid minuscule shit because I'm a drama queen. And people must get sick of it. Like, Oh, there goes Xan again! Big Fucking Surprise! ... I've filled up journal after journal for six fucking years probably doing exactly this. Just.... Trying to "Fix Myself" and freaking out, and saying the same exact shit. I don't remember any of what I wrote so it probably is the exact same shit I worry about everyday.
I'm just... so cowardly. I can't stick up for myself at all. I don't ever act like I should have a place in the world or ever deserve it. Even my boss told me, while we were working, to, "Grow a backbone." I just let myself be pushed around and stepped on because I don't think I deserve anything. Probably because I just want to fucking die, ha ha. I don't know if I had this mindset before I attempted suicide or if I developed it in order to let myself try to die. Or maybe I got it from... other people treating me like I was nothing. I don't want to live. I don't want to be alive.