Hey guys. Bluh? What up? I'm so tired right now... I wanna' watch a new anime, but I don't know what. I'm keeping up with One Punch Man (which is fabulous, FYI), I finished Princess Tutu and sobbed liked a baby... I tried to watch Naruto Shippuden, but I read to the end of the second season online, and the episodes are sooooo drawn ouuuuut that it is difficult. But, on the other hand, I really want to watch the fight scenes in all their glory... Because I looove fighting anime, which is why Yu Yu Hakusho is one of my top favorites, and One Punch Man is getting there too, especially since it's a parody. Funny and Fightful: my favs. So I'm just battling with what to watch currently. Oh well.
Eh, anyways, that isn't the entire reason I'm on here. To be honest I think.... I should move on from this place? I don't know, I kind of find that I'm... "outgrowing" a lot of things, you could say. Like, I don't know, I had this realization thing last week, and I talked with my psychologist, and it's like.... Hm. I swear it's real this time, though. It's not, like, the thing where I beat myself up and say I'm a terrible person and that I should never ever ever ever talk or show myself again. Ever. I mean, that's pretty much how it came about... but it didn't end like that. I was like, lamenting how much I hate school, and how much my life has sucked, and I was thinking about getting a job and going through college, and like, dispelling some myths I had about being a, like, "talented individual," and how it didn't matter if I wasn't one because life would be a lot of the same shit. Capitalist American shit, you know.
But a few days before I had written a piece for a class about how my third grade teacher bullied me the entire year, and then something clicked where I was like, ".... Wow.... I've been bullied and abused and neglected all throughout my life. Maybe that's why I hate school and I don't feel like trying will get me anywhere because I've been taught that nothing can save me from being worthless." So when I mentioned it to my psychologist, we talked about how it was probably because I'm in a safe place now here at college, probably the safest I've ever been, and I have started to mentally explore in different ways some stuff that has happened to me. So, like, rearranging a puzzle to create a new, probably better, maybe not "correct," picture. Which is strikingly accurate to what my professor from my education class last year said to me, which was to "rewrite Xan's past." Spooky psychic professor? Maybe.
So... here I am, now. And I just... kind of feel like I should, I don't know, move away from some stuff? Like, I never go on here anyways... I guess. But I don't really... blog anywhere else. Nobody wants to listen to me, maybe besides you guys. I dropped facebook and twitter just recently too. I guess people don't tend to pay attention to me on social media sites because my involvement is erratic and I don't say anything mushy or super watery and sympathetic, mostly because that stuff is usually pretty dumb? I get sick of putting, like, positive feelings into false hopes and shallow posts and shit, and doing that stuff is probably what is expected of me entirely. Maybe also because I say stupid things and sometimes negative things. I'm here for the cold hard facts, which includes some serious deep and painful soul searching. Which is usually why I go overboard and hate myself, but now it is... different. I have found a real reason for my stubborn, sporadic, furious, and infuriating behavior, and I am giving myself a break for once.
I think that I used to be a pretty egotistical kid, maybe pretty confident at one point, but I could also be very delicate and deal with things delicately. But I just kept being taught that force, and excess force at that, was necessary, so I adopted that and began just fucking fighting every single thing. And I started with myself.
Uh... wow, that was long. Just a lot to say that I am finding stuff out, and working through stuff that's kind of scary to go through because I forget things easily, so I may forget what I've been thinking and working through. So, I think, maybe, as I figure stuff out, I may not be on this site much longer? I feel like I should let some things go. This might be one. I do have a lot of history here.... But who knows.
Eh.