Hmmm.... Okay, so I am posting on here because I'm just getting frustrated. And, I don't know, I feel like I am having to adapt to a new world code or some shit that everybody else is realizing but me. Probably because my college is this hippie bubble feel good thing, but whatever.
Okay, so before I graduated high school, I had this drawn out argument with my friend Zoe about how I don't tell her things, and about how she always tries to fix things when she should just listen and be there, and how because she does this she gets really stressed out and worked up and upset. Which still really pisses me off to think about. But earlier this semester I tried to talk with her about something, and she just... told me to not complain about shit to her. She told me to go to my therapist because that's what she does. She said she doesn't see a point in telling people her problems anymore or doing introspection things because she doesn't have time for that. Which is why she never mentioned things to me that were bothering her now. And she said she doesn't want to hear about my problems because she can't fix them. And I kept arguing and arguing and ArGuInG with her that NO you don't need to try and fix problems and give advice, that I just wanted her to listen, and she said NO that makes me useless and dumb if I can't help you or other people and it's a really shitty thing to do.
Okay so now I'm just really trying not to flip my shit because I over-react with anger constantly and to keep myself sane I have to write it out.
The thing is that I am not going through h e l l right now. She is. I've escaped all my hells physically, for the most part. So now that I am safe, as I said yesterday, I can work things out and do introspection things. The thing is that she can't. She still gets fuckin' put down and yelled at everyday because her mom is an abusive fuck up and her mom's boyfriend is a mental idiot asshole, and aside from that she works herself to death. Which makes meeeee this super privileged assholish fuckin' clown too far removed from her situation to be of ANY help. My solutions have always been the same: Run away. Escape. Move out. Move away. Distance. And you know what???? They are fuckin' working so fucking well!!!!!!!!!! She's finally accepted that she needs to move out of her house, but I don't know how the fuck she is going to do it. What are her options??? My option was college. I think she has lost that one for right now.
I just... don't know what our friendship is anymore. We tell each other jokes and make fun of each other and laugh a lot. I just... feel like that is such a shallow thing. I don't feel like we are going to be able to actually talk about things anymore with feeling. Like, the only reason I knew what was going on with her was because of her twitter feed. The same was with me, though, so maybe that doesn't count.
The main point is that now that we aren't stuck in public school with each other, now that we can go and find other people, I think that we... probably won't stay friends. We probably aren't meant to be friends. I have been close friends with her since kindergarten, but who else in a tiny christian town is not going to believe in God and will get picked on by teachers and classmates about it for years? And why wouldn't you stick as close as possible to them afterwards? I am thinking that... without a common bond tying us there may be no friendship. Because I am becoming more and more privileged, and she is staying right where she has been, and I think that whenever we talk to each other seriously there's too much of a gap. Which is terrifying to think about.
I could be acting seriously over-dramatic right now, which is very possible. I'm always an embarrassment whenever we fight because I freak out and will try to explain my side of the argument unsuccessfully, so after it flops I just throw myself into a, "Woe is me! I'm a hopeless wretch! Step on me! Abuse me!" type of fit that goes back and forth from "I'm trying to be reasonable" to "I'm sooooo terrible and helpless!" It's very, very pathetic. I don't like to fight ever at all under almost any circumstances, so I think I try lots of tactics to get out of the fight and get out of trouble any and every way I can. So I try and show why I'm right, and then when the other person entirely disagrees and I don't see an end in sight, I fall to the ground to get them to pity me and drop it. But it doesn't work on Zoe anymore because she has seen it a million times. And forcing myself to stand up and fight is like fighting not just one battle but an entire lengthy war. I think I keep doing it in our fights specifically because these are the fights that freak me out the most because Zoe is harsh and mercilessly dishes out the cold truth, so I try to escape knowing I can't and that I wouldn't do it for the sake of actually keeping our friendship, and I go into panic overdrive, uselessly banging on the walls for escape.
Uh, anyways. I should work on facing things instead of running away from them. I am worried about what will happen to us... but maybe that will be far from now. I hope it is.