My weekend did NOT go as planned. :C But the beginning of it was really good, so I guess I might as well start off there and recount everything that happened until I was feeling like total shit.
So it started out with me and Alex going downtown after school. We rode the Library bus to, well, the library, and then we walked about 2 blocks to the Sushiyama, which is this awesome Japanese restaurant. It's weird, but something about that restaurant always makes me want to be really polite. XD; We got 6 california rolls and 4 salmon sushi, which I paid for, and two bubble teas, which Alex paid for. I would have paid for it all, but I had barely enough money to cover the food so I couldn't. Anyway, Alex made me sit across from her at the table instead of next to her, so it kind of made it feel more like a date than anything else. And then we both failed epicly at eating our sushi (which was DELICIOUS, GUYS. If you haven't already, you really should go out and try salmon sushi -- it's called sake, actually, which is weird because that's also that rice wine stuff. I dunno, lol), and she thought I was weird for eating straight-up ginger dipped in soy sauce. Then we got the bill, which was like $24.63, and we both were worried because I only had 16 bucks and she only had like 9, and we're both bad at math so we didn't know if we had enough for it. XD; Well, we did (and enough for a nice tip, too) but a lot of it ended up being in change. XD; Only about half of it was in actual bills, and those were like all ones. It was kind of bad. And then after we paid Alex asked if they were ever going to be hiring and they told her to come back in June, because then they would be. So she's probably going to have a job there, now.
Then we went to the Starbucks that was next door, because earlier I'd found a giftcard I forgot I had in my wallet. So we got some Lemon Loaf and some Pumpkin Loaf and then meandered down to this new shop we'd heard about, which was like Game Stop, only it was called the Game Cabin. There were all these wide screen tvs with xboxes hooked up to them, and you could pay 10 bucks an hour to play, except on Friday and Saturday nights when it's 5 bucks an hour. But anyway. There were these two guys playing Halo 3 on XBL, and so we stayed there for a good hour and a half watching them and just generally being weird. It was all good though, because they were pretty weird in a cool way too, like they both pretty much kept making these high pitched squealing noises whenever they were killed. It was pretty funny. And we all had a lot of fun commenting on other people's gamertags. There were a lot of weird ones, like someone had 'butmunch' (LOL fail name and fail spelling of butt) and stuff like 'hi im NICK' and 'himynameisJJ' and 'xmasfrog' and 'michimoose.' Oh, and 'manybabykiller.' Just a lot of weird names, lol.
Then it was snowing really hard and we finally decided we had to leave, even though we didn't want to. So we walked all the way to Alex's house in the snow, which wasn't actually too bad because it was just snowy and not actually that cold. We walked to the very edges of downtown and then went inside this health food store that Alex wanted to show me, which was called the Co-Op. She gave me the basic tour, but obviously we didn't get anything because both of us were broke (dude, I only have 4 cents in my wallet now.). Then we walked all the way to her house and did the dishes and made a pizza and played a few games of Halo, and then we moved a matress and watched part of some weird movie, and watched the V-Day video of Red vs Blue (BAWW POOR CABOOSE. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL), and then just generally hung out. I was kind of dozing on the bed, and Alex was playing Gaia Online, and we were listening to an online radio station that kept playing love songs, because it was V-Day, I guess. But all the lyrics kept tormenting me, because they all kind of hit home a lot. Like: "Mamma mia, here I go again! My my, how can I resist you?" and stuff. So I started making these sort of weird noises because I was feeling bad but also trying to psych myself up to tell her (because yes, she's the one that I'm in love with >>;), but she was like "Why are you making all those noises? You're weird." So then finally after about an hour of psyching myself up, I told myself that I would go to the bathroom and give myself a pep talk and then come back and tell her. So like 10 minutes after I decided that, I finally made myself get up and go there, where I was kind of hyperventallating because I knew that was the first step and there was no way I could back down now. So after maybe 10 more minutes in the bathroom, I went back and started hyperventallating even more, and Alex noticed and said, "Why do you keep making all those noises? You're scaring me!" So then the following conversation took place:
Me: Okay, I have something important I need to tell you. I've been trying to tell you this since like, December, and I keep chickening out and I know if I don't tell you right now then I'll chicken out again.
Alex: *jokingly* Chicken out! Chicken out!
Me: No, this is really important! ...God, you're going to think I'm really stupid, or you're never going to want to talk to me ever again.
Alex: *grows silent*
Me: *hyperventallates more, then finally just says all fast* I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you. [I was still too chicken to tell her that yes, I fucking am in love with you. I had to be all unsure about it. Fuuuuuck]
Alex: *silence*
Me: *after no response for about 5 seconds* So... you're not mad or anything?
Alex: No, why would I be mad at you? I don't RETURN it, but...
Me: *HEARTBROKEN* ...oh.
Alex: I'm just that awesome, I guess. *flashes me a grin, then turns back to Gaia*
GODDAMMIT. I mean, I know I shouldn't be complaining because she's still my friend and she obviously doesn't mind that I love her, but... fuuuck, I still want her so bad, and now I know that there's no way for us ever to be together. Unless she changes her mind later, but obviously that's not going to happen because she's straight. If she weren't then I'm pretty sure we'd be together already. :CCC
A while later she finally came to bed, but I just felt so awkward sleeping next to her then. And she didn't even seem to fucking CARE. Does that even make sense? I mean, it just felt so taboo then, to be sleeping in the same bed, but she didn't even fucking care. She just joked around with me for a bit and then fell asleep and then sleep talked a lot and then whacked her hand on the bed and it woke her up and I told her what she had been saying and she didn't believe me and it all just felt so normal. Waaay too normal, it made me want to cry. Geez, I'm crying now just thinking about it. And since I have this condition that makes me get sick whenever I get really stressed, then I was puking my guts out so much that my stomach was completely and utterly empty and it was STILL trying to push stuff out. It hurt really bad, and I felt horrible sleeping next to Alex, so I finally just called home and went back early. At like, 6 in the morning. When I was supposed to stay there until 5 at night.
So now I'm sitting here, drinking gatorade to make my stomach feel better and bawling my eyes out. And I'm not superstitious, but I'm almost childish enough to want to blame this all on Friday the 13th. Even though I know that telling her today on actual V-Day would have made absolutely no difference. ...I'm so pathetic. :C
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And here's a random post I wrote on Thursday night but never uploaded. Guess I might as well put it, even though now I could almost care less.
I TOTALLY JUST REALIZED WHY I'M NEVER ABLE TO HELP ALEX WHEN SHE'S REALLY PISSED OR SAD. At least, why I'm unable to help her by talking about it. Usually I just distract her with stuff I know she loves and cheer her up that way so the bad feelings aren't as prominently there. Which works okay, I guess, but it still doesn't solve the root problem. It's still the best I can do with her that I know, though, so I try.
But no. I was just thinking, because I just wasted 30 freakin' minutes of my life subtley guiding my dad through a rant so he wouldn't get as pissed at my mom (which, she's still just as hard headed and retarded as him at arguing, so she could screw it up after all my hard work, too). I usually take my mom's side more often just because my dad turns into this crazy screaming monster when he's arguing, but since I wanted to sleep tonite and not have to listen to them whisper-yell at each other all night (our walls are really thin. It sucks, except for when I want to eavesdrop, then it's awesome, but then I've also learned some things I really shouldn't know XD;), I went into his room after my mom finally gave up and left and started out with something like "I've been really proud of you recently" (complete bullshit, lol) "because you've been trying a lot harder recently to control your anger and stuff" (which he has, but I was pretty cynical about it anyways. I know him, he's stubborn in admitting that he has an issue with his anger, so when he slips back into it he gets pissed if anyone tries to mention it) "but then stuff like tonight happens and it hurts me. We were really starting to rebuild our family" (LOL not really) "and I really hope this is just a bump in the road, and I'm being optimistic and I'm forgiving you for your outburst. And I really understand where you're coming from, and I agree with you, but I also understand where Mom was coming from and I think you might have jumped to conclusions about her a little..." Then I explained my mom's argument in a way he could understand and listen to (since they're freakin' incapable of explaining it to each other, geez) and listened to him rant about his own argument, occasionally interjecting with rewords of my mom's argument or suggestions on different ways he could try to explain his argument so that she'd be more likely to listen, etcetc. Mostly I was just trying to calm him down and make him feel important and smart and shit so he won't be all moody and feel like everyone hates him and he needs to be even more angry, because that's what he normally does after these fights XD; And guess what, I think my idea WORKED. I HAS THE JEDI MIND TRICK, GUISE. And after thinking, I realized that's how I deal with everyone to some extent if they need help. Jedi mind trick them into thinking that everything is going to be fine, even if I have no idea what's going to happen, and make them feel important. Usually I help people out like that only because they're annoying with their complaining/sobbing/etc, but sometimes I do care enough about them to want them to feel better. But usually that is only with Alex as well; she's the only one I care about with whatever happens to her, at any moment that it happens, and the only person I'd drop everything for to try to help (baww that sounds really cheesy, but it's true), and the only one who I want to actually feel happy and not just shut up. (Though I have some online friends that I do care enough about to want their happiness rather than just want them to stop ranting -- probably I'm more likely to actually want your happiness when I'm helping you online just because online ranting is text that I can skim read and choose to ignore if I so wish. XD; Real life ranting is like, in your face loud LISTEN TO MEEEE OMFG. Really annoying. x_x;) But that's why I can't ever help her right, I don't think. Because she's smart enough to realize my Jedi Mind Trick and it doesn't work on her. :O
TL;DR:
I used the Jedi Mind Trick on my dad successfully, and I realized that Alex is too smart to succumb to it and that's why I'm retarded at helping her when she's upset.
How do you guys help other people? I should learn some new THINGS so I won't be so much at a loss the next time I meet a genius I need to cheer up.
