This week has already been shitty enough (read last post) but something happened last night that made it by far THE WORST week of my entire life.
It all started with our fight earlier on in the week, and I finally stopped ignoring Alex before the bus yesterday, and we had a screaming match and basically it sounded like the friendship was over. I felt bad about it when I got home so I sent her a note via DeviantArt, and she sent one back that was really cryptic and kind of scary. I wrote her another note back and then tried to see if she was online (she was being invisible on MSN) and here's the resulting conversation (I'm Tucker, she's Caboose, in case you were wondering):
CABOOSE (offline)
"so many things i thought to say, but nothing is the right thing. sorry wouldn't be enough. goodbye."
Tucker said (4:45 PM):
If you're just hiding, I sent you another note
if you're actually offline, i guess you'll get it too late
Caboose says:
;/
Tucker says:
just read it. you don't have to even reply or anything, just... please try to take it to heart and listen to what i said
Caboose says:
please....just leave me and find some better people...so bye..
Tucker says:
did you even read it yet, or are you already giving up?
Caboose says:
i choose the easy way out
i'm sorry
please leave me be
Tucker says:
you know what, fine.
for the moment, fine.
but you're just hurting yourself choosing the easy way out
Caboose says:
i give up and i don't care
Tucker says:
you're hurting yourself far worse than anyone could ever possibly hope to hurt you
Caboose says:
FINE!
Tucker says:
and i don't even understand why you'd want to do that
Caboose says:
THEN THATS WHAT I CHOOSE
ITS CLICHE BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS
SO PLEASE
please
just
leave it
i'll suffer my consequences
Tucker says:
...no one understands? sad thing is, i don't even think YOU understand.
Caboose says:
i don
Tucker says:
I'm not saying I understand either
Caboose says:
tt
i don't understand
Tucker says:
but.... you should at least try to undrestand it
even if no one else can
Caboose says:
and if i think about it it hurts more
so i want to give up
i'm leaving
Tucker says:
it does hurt more, i know, i've been there. not with the same thing as you, probably, but i've been in a similar place.
and it really really does hurt at first, and you really really want to give up
but i perservered
Caboose says:
i don't believe you
Tucker says:
and i can't say im the happiest yet
Caboose says:
please just leave me be
Tucker says:
but i know i will be
Caboose says:
go away
before i have to block you
have an excellent life
you do deserve one
bye.
Tucker says:
at least promise me you wont do anything drastic
and then i'll leave you alone
Caboose says:
who cares
maybe i will
Tucker says:
I CARE
Caboose says:
"death is the great leveller"
Tucker says:
don't say that
dear god, promise me you wont kill yourself
PROMISE ME
---
AND SHE DIDN'T RESPOND BACK.
Understandably I freaked out and called her... She stayed on the phone for all of 5 seconds. All she said was "goodbye" and then hung up. So I called back and her dad picked up so I talked to him for a while, and he thought it was just drama and that it would all blow over, but I know her. She's been depressed and talked about suicide before, but it's never, ever been this final. So after I could get her dad to shut up so i could hang up, I called the suicide hotline and I guess they called her, but I have no idea. They can't tell me anything because of confidentiality issues.
And she's not online or anything, because she was supposed to go to a convention over the weekend in like, Chicago. HOLY FUCK SHE BETTER BE OKAY OR ILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF DDDDD8>
We have a snow day today, which I really needed, too. I slept until 11 because of how much I was crying yesterday. I still can't think about it without hyperventilating and feeling really sick.
So please, think of her, pray for her, do whatever it is that you do in times of crisis, because I don't want the last thing I ever said to her face to face to be that I didn't care if we were over.
