Tense was not the word to describe how I was feeling at that moment. It was something a little more agitating that if I could think clearly at that moment, I would have found the word perturbed to be the best fit in this situation. However, in correspondence with my own mind, I continued to press up against the back wall as my eyes darted for an exit that would not be blocked by those that had just entered the house.
The way people moved around in the house had set me somewhat on edge. No. Once again my frantic mind chose the wrong word. It didn’t matter. I just had to get out. I’d get out, leave the house, and go on as I had just before fixing this place. What had started as a simple repayment had somehow evolved into something greater. I heard comments from people about the house and things and it only seemed to pour salt in my nervous system.
"Hey, you ok" Lupe’s voice said causing my eyes to shoot straight at where the voice had come. Sure enough, there was Lupe asking something to the effect of my health.
"I.... "I... I..." I tried but my speech had seemed to drop with my thought, and all I could do was stand there like a sinner in a church.
"I know. You type nervous aren't you?" Lupe said almost matter of factly. In that instance, my nerves transferred more to nervous energy than to what my brain had to say on the matter.
"So much people" I answered. Oh god…. My grammar had just been buried with my word choice. May it rest in peace among the graves dug by nervous energy. Still looking for an exit, I continued to debate whether or not just running straight through the front door would be the best course of action or some other means. Of course at the time, this thought process was not nearly as fluid as how I just explained it. More or less, the words ‘door’ and ‘exit’ were the only ones making any logical amount of sense in my mind at that moment.
"Hey, hey. Just calm down, will ya? We won't hurt you. We are all friends here. Trust me, there were a lot of Gijinka like you that were first nervous around us but now they are all pretty much like family" Lupe tried, but once again through the faucet of stressed thought, I had begun to ignore what she was saying completely.
Lupe made a motion of sighing and brought her hand up to her head as if to beat back an already growing migraine. I didn’t blame her actually… I couldn’t blame her for the rfatc that my mind was processing something completely at the time. However, in the after effects that occurred, I did get around to blaming her.
"Don’t be so scared. How old are you anyways? By your appearance you seem like a grown teen. Why so scared?" she demanded with a stressed voice that didn’t register in my mind at that moment. Finally after a few seconds of calm thought that sometimes accompanies stress, I managed to put the dice of the situation back into their bowl and comprehend what she was saying.
"I am 19. And I am not used to strangers, such as yourself, comforting me and giving me a place to stay. So, if you don't mind, I will be leaving now,” I answered. Yes. Finally a finishing thought. After a few more seconds, I forced myself to keep my words focused.
Taking a sided step, I moved around Lupe and headed towards the door. Suddenly, Lupe jumped infront of the door and stood there as if she were barricading it, and as I came to the door, she forced me back and blocked the door completely. I felt a growing anger that was catalyzed by my initial fears.
"Weren't you the one who built this house? How are you going to build a beautiful mansion and choose not to live in it? That makes no type of damn sense" she answered. This completely stopped my thought process. Lupe’s eyes narrowed as if she were trying to keep her face completely stern while saying this. Once again, I could not help but commend her for being able to hold such ground. A part of me later correlated this with members of the club somehow. I returned this look and them moved the hand she had placed to block me away. I kept my face calm and stern as I began talking again. It would make little sense if I let my agitation make use of my vocal chords without them knowing how to convey what I was meaning.
"This is simply a token of gratitude for your and Estelle's kindness. Thank you for noticing me but I really need to go..." I answered keeping my voice as level as possible.
"And where do you have a place to stay? Please tell me since you are just dying to leave." Lupe retorted. My hand tightened around the sketchbook that I still held under my right arm. What did she mean where was I going to stay? I’m a traveler….Finally the idea set in that Lupe believed that I would stay with the group. I wondered slightly what exactly this meant, but then after another moment, my thoughts ran to the numerous people that would probably be here. It would be too many. I would keep traveling. Finally, I sighed and tried once again to move around her. She blocked me once again, and I felt a strange amount of irritation starting to bud.
"Mear, you are not leaving. I don't give a damn how scared you are. You have nowhere to go. So I'm not making you leave!" she said almost defensively. I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrow at this. The initial panic had drained into a tired after shock that often accumulates, and by that time, I was wearing somewhat of a composed expression. However, under this, I was trying to piece together just exactly why she would want me to stay so badly.
Silence grew and we were just staring at each other with a strange growth of anger between us. The contour of her angry visage would forever be burned into my skull, and this only seemed to irritate me more. Suddenly, Lupe seemed to flush red, and even more confusion started to snap through my mind. Before I could question her, she unlocked the door and just left. The feeling I was left with was a strange void in my system.
"Do what you please" Lupe continued as she walked away. "I shouldn't stop you from leaving. I'm not forcing you to stay."
I sighed and took the handle of the door. Turning it and then swinging it open completely. I took in a breath. After a moment, I swung the door closed and sighed again. I eyed the people still in the main room and headed towards the kitchen instead. I sat back in one of the chairs and placed my sketchbook on the table. Ignoring most everyone in the room, I flipped opened the book and started drawing in red ink as I always did. Looking up, I saw a few of the Gijika looking at me.
“Hm?” I asked.
I looked down at the picture and found that I had once again drawn the lake with both Lupe and Estelle standing there. Blinking for a moment, I sat back and sighed once again. Finding that there were also a few extra pairs of eyes looking at my picture, I finally just looked straight over at them.
