In recent years, I've started watching the Food Network in the evenings. There are two reasons why. The first is that there's usually nothing else on, and the second is that shows on the Food Network make good white noise for when I'm writing. But I can't help but take a look at some of the competition shows that the network runs. And over time I've come up with a list of possible "improvements" that those shows could make more people want to watch. So for those who care, and in the tradition of the Late Show with David Letterman, here's the little list of ideas I've come up with.
TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE FOOD NETWORK COMPETITION SHOWS MORE EXCITING
10. Cupcake Wars: Instead of all that baking crap, contestants spend an hour shooting each other with special cupcake-fiering guns.
9. Great Food Truck Race: If food trucks go below 50 mph, they explode.
8. Sweet Genius: Losing contestants must eat their own weight in hot fudge.
7. Chopped: Win the competition and win $10,000. Lose even one round and lose a hand.
6. Food Court Wars: Actual war where rival food court restaurants fire special condiment-shooting cannons at one another.
5. Food Network Star: Losing contestants get made into the secret ingredient for an Iron Chef America episode.
4. Great Food Truck Race: Until the end of each episode, the truck that won last time gets special spiked "Ben Hur" wheel covers.
3. Next Iron Chef: To cement new Iron Chef status, the winner is turned into an advanced chef cyborg on live T.V.
2. Food Network Star: Give out phone app that allows home viewers to shock contestants they don't like using special shock collars.
1. Iron Chef America: In the unlikely event of a tie, both chefs must do battle in "The Cage of Death".
And there we have it. Just another example of the kind of warped thoughts that go through my mind. I don't know how many other people here on TheO watch the Food Network, but I hope this list at least gives a slight laugh to those who do.
