but i'd like to say it isn't.
i mean, what am i jealous of?
it really upsets me that my ex boyfriend still exists. i feel like he should just fall off the face of the earth, he's a complete jerk anyway. it would be a blessing to everyone (except him).
spring semester started today. i don't want to run into that asshole. at all. i'm scared to walk past the computer lab. i'm honestly terrified to eat in the cafeteria, i don't want him to be there. i don't want him to say hi to me, and pretend to be nice. he isn't nice. he broke my heart and left me out to dry. i don't want to be friendly, and i don't want to look pathetic. i don't want to show my pain, weakness, any negative emotions.
i am concerned that i will not be able to conceal these emotions. when i think about him saying hello to me (and of course expecting a response) my stomach gets really tight, and i feel goosebumps form on my arms.
i don't want to see him tomorrow. i'm getting sick from the thought.
what does that have to do with jealousy you ask? i told my friend how i felt, and she says that it is jealousy. she is very intelligent, and really understands relationships well, but i do not feel that she is correct.
i'm not upset that he's found new friends. really, i am not. good for him. i'm finding new friends too. it makes me feel upset when i think about him inevitably talking to girls (but i think that is natural). i guess that is still jealousy... but i think it's a healthy amount.
i don't know what to do... i feel like maybe i should approach him about it, but i KNOW him (i did date the dude for four years). i would spill out my guts and emotions to him, and you know what he'd do? he'd shrug. say, "yeah, sorry you're upset"
no you're not. you're not sorry. and i don't expect you to be anymore. i don't expect anything from you. that being said, i never ever want to see you again. it would make everything so much easier.
i don't know why i am sharing this. sometimes its good to write about inner demons. lol.
