Mmmpppffhh. I feel stupid. If you can't already tell, this will be one long, teenage-angsty post, so feel free to skip. I just need to hammer this out of my system.
So today I got the results back from the last internship I applied for, and yeah, I got rejected. I had already been waitlisted by one from Vanderbilt which obviously no one quit, rejected by one from Magee-Women's, and for the last one...I never got the confirmation e-mail that they got it, so I guess my application never got to them. And I was stupid enough to be NOT proactive and just call from the beginning. It's definitely too late now. But the thing is that today, with this internship...It was only a local one, so I thought my chances of making it were WAY higher. Apparently not. They interviewed like 3/4 of their applicants and accepted only about 10% of everyone who applied.
But that's little comfort. About the other internships, I knew I had little chance of making it, but I was hoping against hope anyways. I was still very disappointed with the results, but then with this one...I was really expecting to get in. One of my other friends got waitlisted, but I was flat-out rejected. And I found out about her results much earlier than mine, so I felt even more confident after learning that she was waitlisted - academically (and this includes extra-curriculars, leadership roles, etc.) I thought I was at least relatively stronger than her.
And this leads to an even bigger problem. My top college choice right now (I'm still a junior) accepts only 14% of its applicants (although this past year it was only 8%), and with all the blood, sweat, and tears (OK, no blood yet, but definitely sweat and tears) that I've been going through to get there...getting these kinds of results from ALL of the internships I applied for is rather disheartening. I know that I probably wouldn't make it into any of my "reach" schools, but today it really hit me just how probable that "probably" is. If I can't even make it into a high-school internship, how am I going to make it to Brown U?
This has always been an issue for me. I have this intense fear of failure. It's definitely my second greatest fear, if not equal to my no. 1 fear of not being able to help as someone I care about suffers. (Yes I can be so shallow as to place winning on an equal level with making people I love happy - I'm working on correcting that.) I hate hate hate hate HATE losing/being 2nd best or just not excelling at everything I do. So today I am trying to deal with that and trying to stop myself from saying that they're just stupid, that I'm still great, that it's their fault and not mine.
I'm struggling to grasp and understand it. I have studied abroad for a semester, know 3 languages, have straight As, am in the IB program and therefore in 6 AP/IB classes, started art classes at the local community center for kids with special needs, and am in the process of creating the school's international club. I'm on the school IB student council, in the school-focused service club, have done school volleyball throughout high school, I'm involved with art, I've taken piano for nearly 13 years, I volunteer regularly, I've won a local science/engineering scholarship, I'm in a biomedical science fair right now working with a professional in the field...apparently all that isn't enough. It's understandable with the other internships, since they are based on medicine/science - I haven't proven my science focus a lot. But the recent one covers nearly everything, and they just assign you a job in any field. My background proves that I am adaptable with anything they give me. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that it's not my fault again. (Please don't take this paragraph as a "look-at-me-I'm-so-wonderful" spiel - while I might subconsciously want to brag, as far as I am aware...I don't.)
So I basically need to suck this up and take it in. This has reminded me that I have to work that much harder and push that much more to achieve what I want. Even though I get insanely jealous of those who constantly succeed at gaining what I want, I have to be thankful for them at the same time, since they keep me motivated to keep working.
I have to work harder. Get off theO. Study for my AP English language test tomorrow.
Thanks for reading this if you got this far. *hugs*
