I'm not sure what the fuck I'm writing.. I just know that I need to type on here... to say it to SOMEone... anyone really :| I fail.. really badly, sorry..
I'm sorry for everything... for being stupid... for lying... for everything... this list could go on forever, believe me...
basically I've been really depressed as of late. It's not really something I;m ready to talk about... and the people who are reading this right now are the ONLY people that know how I'm feeling right now....
I'm sorry.. I'm just so sick of all of the crap that has bee going on, I just dont really see a reason to go on much longer.... I mean, I've tried so hard for all of these years, and now because of a few fucking mistakes, it all was for nothing. 2 more years... just 2 more... and I can leave this place, and move out west. Near the ocean of course, maybe Cali... yeah.. that sounds nice...
who do I blame? no one... not really... i mostly blame myself. i should of took control while i had the chance... i should of told the fucking person to go to the fucking doctors, then maybe he would still be here. I mean, I knew he was in pain... but I thought that if it got to a bad point he would go himself...
my guidance councilor, wants me to go to grief counselling that the school system is starting up... I dont really want to go... I wont know any of the people there.. and I dont think im ready to talk about it in person to anyone...
you know what? i always brag about a couple of my friends that i 'tell everything to' but that's a lie... i really dont.. i mean i do tell them almost anything, but there are somethings that i cant... i cant even mention it without choking up.
it's fucking pathetic.
im so fucking pathetic, it's not even funny.
i wish I could just forget everything... all of the memories we had together.. everything. Maybe then I would be just a normal.. er.. semi-normal kid...
yeah yeah, i just love to fucking complain... but guess what? I CAN :P
yeah.. my world. yeahhhhh mine. :P
so i can complain about what ever i want...
i truly wish that i didnt care about my mom... and i can deny it all i want.. but i guess she does love me, NO WAIT. not me. she loves the idea of me. im the 'perfect daughter' to her, as far as she knows, i get perfect grades, i do volunteer work, and im artistically and musically inclined, what's not to love?
she thinks im perfect :D
well no, im not. and I dont think I should have to pretend to be...
Is there a reason why I should not kill myself?
I can't think of just one
But I lay here and then it hits me
My mother use to tell how much she loved me
and I will always be her little girl
so then I picture me in a coffin
my mother standing over me crying
to see her shed tears breaks my heart
so I lay down the razor
and walk away
and my mother is the reason why I live today
suh~weet~
so... I just brought my dog for a walk.. and it helped clear my head a little.. i still feel like shit, but not as bad...
and i just deleted most of what i wrote.... if i delete this whole post, ill regret it later... most (if not all) of this post doesnt make sense anyway, so whatever...
im gonna go clean now.
yes, cleaning makes me feel better...don ask...
i should seriously write a better post... or at least one that doesnt have as much complaining...
or a happier one :DD about puppies and kittens and rainbows~
and the idiot it my class who thinks that penguins are a myth... lol dork...
IM NOW BORED AGAIN... ima draw...
HA me and Kara are not related >D
yes.. is me... and my little sister aka Monkey Girl (that's her account name lol)
i dyed my hair dark, so its not blonde any more xDD yay!!
(holy crap.. i dont even look like me in this picture xDD)
new DSi FTW xDD
oh no.. my phone is ringing xDD
bye
~Riska
