My mom is a terrible person.
Period.
I rarely ever see her, and it's like she doesn't want to have me as a daughter anyway.
I'm her 'failure'.
But whatever.
She was never really there for me anyway.
She'll call once every month or so, usually half drunk just so she can complain about how terrible her life is and how nobody loves her.
She knows I fucking love her. She's my fucking mother.
But between her and my so-called 'best friend', I can't take it anymore.
I hate to sound immature, but for my own sanity, I need to cut off all contact with them both.
My mom until she realizes what she's doing to herself and those around her.
and Amber until she realizes how much of a terrible friend she's being, all for some stupid fucking boy.
Two people whom I love immensely.
Both of which don't seem to give a shit about how I feel.
It's killing me I swear.
and I hate when I get like this.
It makes me want to do stupid things
Things I /know/ are stupid
But at this point I don't care
I don't fucking care.
Period.
If I'm always dragged back down, what's the point in fighting to live?
I don't want to be down
But when I fight back up, I start to get hopeful
Hope is bad.
No matter what, I always get knocked back down.
Heart broken.
Hope smashed.
Same story, just on repeat.
ON ANOTHER NOTE
I tried telling my adopted mom that I'm depressed. She told me to stop watching so much TV, and that I'm fine. She tried explaining what depression is.
I know what depression is.
This isn't just a stunt I'm pulling for attention.
I've tried killing myself many times. I have scars to prove a few of those times.
cutting, going underwater and breathing deeply, pills, you'd be amazed how much blood someone can loose before passing out.
She doesn't get it.
If I wanted attention, I would blow something up, or rob a bank.
What good would attention be if I was dead?
I'm not writing this to get attention either.
I also don't want a pity party in my honor.
I just need somewhere to write this.
Just as proof that this is nothing new.
I've been going through this shit for a while.
I've tried reaching out.
No one believes me.
No one cares.
I'm done.
~Riska
