I'm panicking right now. I have plans and hopes and dreams, but I worry about it all. I doubt my drive and willingness to do what I want to do to make my life happy. I scared because I feel like the World is rushing toward and I don't have anything to slow me down or comfort the landing. I can't stop I'm just going. Time frightens me in this way. It's unceasing vigilance. It's desire to move foward and never back. I grasp at the fleeting mmemories of yestur-year only to be thrown, hurtling into the grip of tomorrow.
-------
Today was an okay day until a couple of mintues ago. Granted I was woken up early and had a cold shower. But the dayafter that was alright. It's only now that I panic. I recieve my graduation cap and gown and tried them on. I tried to remain calm but the anxiety was inevitable. I don't want to graduate. I don't want to become and adult. I don't want to be resonsible and make my own decisions. I want to hide in the saftey and comfort of my room for eternity. But I can't. The blue gown was slighty too long but I ordered it that way. It made me think how close it all is. Ever laughs about their excitement. They mock me when they do. I cannot understand it. For me, highschool is the life I know. I'm good at highschool. I may not be super popular or good at sports but I enjoy highschool. I will not be good at college. I can't write essays or give speeches or deal with people. I can't do it. I can't I can't I can't. I don't want to but I have to. But I don't want to fail. I don't want to dissapoint my family. I odn't want to be like my brotheers who stay and home and mooch off my parents. Or my brothers who go to school and don't try. I want to try, I want to learn. I don't want to essays and give speeches and meet new people and all that kind of stuff... I don't want to be an adult.
--------
I'm also nervous about my Calculus test. I understand it, it's putting it into practice that I do badly. I always mess up something. ALWAYS! I don't want to deal with it. School is really stressful right now.
-------
I feel like I'm falling into a depression again, but I don't want to be. I'm fighitng it as best I can but sometimes it's so hard to hold onto that happy determined feeling. Sometimes I sink into pools of sorrow...