Hello there all of you! I trust you're doing well? ^^
I want to thank all of you that commented on my last post because that was honestly the most distressed I've ever been in my life. I think I've only told maybe 2 of you the whole situation in full, but since I feel awful for writing long posts that make you guys worry about me haha, I promise this will hopefully be the last of these super long posts.
So I had to leave for America 2 days after that incident. I was up late the night before I left, not because I didn't feel like sleeping, but I felt like if I left, I'd be leaving a heck of a lot more than just Korea behind for a while. While as much as I hate to admit the fact that my dad CAN be selfish at times, he IS my dad and I love and care about him no matter what he thinks.
That night, I was up reading all of you guys's comments on my last post and posts before and I was reminding myself about the things you all said and to the suggestion of some of my dear friends(thank you Innocent-chan and Pudding-chan!<3), I decided that if he was going to misunderstand the things I said if I just said them, then it'd probably be in my best interest to write them out in a letter. That way, there can't a whole "I said this" and "No, that's not what you said" etc etc.
It was really really tough to write a letter explaining all of my feelings, rereading everything I wrote to make sure it couldn't be interpreted wrongly, but luckily my dad was already asleep as I planned so he didn't know I wrote it. I gave him the letter the next morning right before I got on the bus to the airport(he didn't come with us), and the last thing he told me before I got on was "When you get back to America, start being nice." =/
But still I was hoping my letter would work. Because before that my dad told me that because he believed I didn't care, he would have no reason, nor would he want to, see me again.
The flights went by faster than usual this time and I finally met up with my sister and my neighbor(who passed away)'s wife at the airport and they drove us home.
Then my sister told me that my father read my letter, gave her a phone call 2 hours after receiving it, and...
He said he wanted to come back to the States in 2 weeks!!
And furthermore, she said that the main reason he wanted to come back was to make amends, and work it out for good.
You should have seen the look on my face. I know sometimes people need to be skeptical...and I wonder how I can't be after the many times my dad and I have had arguments over academics and my/his feelings, but perhaps it's just because I believe in people too much? Not to say I'm not cautious but...I guess I like giving chances because I know that if I were in their shoes, I'd also want a second chance at something.
So I guess it's safe to say that things are back to normal for now...talking to my dad on the phone as often as possible and nothing awkward for the moment, but it's sort of a waiting game, and I'm sure, even if it's not super soon, it'll all end well and there will one day be a day where we understand each other!
Thank you all sooo sooo much!! I have something I owe to you all that I've been working on for a while...and I'm hoping for the day when I'm relieved of super hard work so I can finish it and show it to you guys! I love you all so much and I honestly mean it when I say I don't know what I would have done had it not been for all of you. I cried so hard when I read all of your comments and it wasn't out of sadness, but really out of happiness, and that was the first time I've ever cried out of sheer joy. Even if you didn't comment, I got PMs, numerous dedications, and messages on MSN that just gave me so much comfort. In all of the things I received I could feel all of your hearts and souls with me and that just made me want to become stronger and get through it and do my best as I normally do! So THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!<33333333333 Take care of yourselves and I love you all with all my heart and more!
Replies to comments are below by the way~ for those that didn't comment before, feel free to skip xD
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To Sam-kun and Innocent-chan: You were the two I talked to probably in full about this(as I'm sure you guys know xD). And more than anything I've got to thank you two for listening to me. There are honestly no words to express the gratitude I have for having you in my life, even if I've never seen either of you! I can feel both of you with me all the time, and even little things like looking outside at the sunshine and opening a book remind me of you two, and I just feel so happy. I love you both sooo much, don't ever forget that! Thank you so very much to you both! You are TRULY amazing people and never think otherwise because I know you two are going to create something even greater and more wonderful someday!
To Cherri-chan: Hands down you're certainly one of my closest friends. As all of you are but there is something about you that I've really admired and it most definitely is your resilience. You may be straight forward, and as you told me, not much of an advice-giver or talker but you certainly listen and that too is a wonderful skill that many people in this world lack. Everytime something happens you're one of the first people to message me or say to call and it's a great feeling to know I have someone like you in my life!
They do use the guilty card, yes, but I do know I'm not perfect and I can be at fault. However thanks to you, I also know that because I'm not perfect, I can't do anything and everything they demand and ask me to do, and that's a great thing because who would want to be a servant to their parents at the cost of losing themselves? I love you so so much too and to hear you tell me those wonderful things is something I wouldn't give up for the world. So thank you!!<3
To Truly-chan: I told you in your guestbook about how I felt but I'm definitely not afraid to repeat myself again. You are extremely straightforward and really courageous and I've always loved that about you and am more than happy to have someone so strong beside me! Although it may be as simple as you saying "Stop listening to people that put you down!", it's a whole new kind of advice that many people in this world don't give because they are afraid of being so direct with expressing their thoughts. It's wonderful that you're able to do this because your words serve also to snap me back into reality like no one else's and I want to thank you so so much for that! You're always so strong despite all that's happened and in many ways I also wish I could be like you in that way! I love you so much girly, you have no idea how grateful I am for having you as a friend<3
To Pudding-chan: We haven't talked much as of late but I'm willing to be the one to change that! I miss talking to you very much and having your humor light up my day! But in any case, I've got some things to say to you.
You are an INCREDIBLE daughter, and heck if I were a parent, I'd want to have a daughter as fun and outgoing as you are! You may be a little different in real life, but hey, I think we all are to some degree =P I still know that you've got that lively and strong person inside you and I don't have to know you in real life to say that because I can see it even on here ^^
I did buy that book as soon as I got back last week on Wednesday at Borders(I had to go with my sister though...my mother would have been like wth xD), and although I haven't read it yet because of the incredible amount of schoolwork I can't wait to start reading it! And if you were the one to suggest it, I have the utmost confidence that it must be an incredible read. =) Thank you for being there for me Pudding-chan, I love you so so much!
To SaxGirl-chan: In the end...actually no, even in the beginning, I won't let you down either SaxGirl-chan! And when I read your comment, I could just feel your enthusiasm and it made me want to cheer up and be stronger too. You're just one big bucket of sunshine and I, and so many other people know it!! We don't talk as much as we used to but I guess that's partly my fault for not being pro-active and just sitting here working OTL. In any case, there's no excuse for my being able to change that, and I certainly will! You're bright and cheerful and I love that I have you as my friend for that because it brightens my day so much to see how happy you are all the time ^^ You're such a wonderful person SaxGirl-chan and don't worry, I'm always here for you too! Thank you so so much!
To Mizu-chan: To hear you say that you wanted to hug me physically in real life... that made me cry even harder than I already was. The entire time I was in that fight, I kept thinking about all of you wish you guys were there so I wouldn't have to deal with it alone but then I remembered that you guys really ARE there, I was just too busy being sad and upset to remember at times. I talked intensely about how hard I worked to be there for and satisfy my parents in that letter and while I did I really thought of you and it brought me SO much comfort thinking about you being there to give me a hug when my sister couldn't be. =) Thank you so so much for being there for me Mizu-chan!!
To Kris-chan: A serious discussion it was indeed...although a letter is one-sided, it at least presents my thoughts fully without being misinterpreted by "that's not what you said" etc etc. You were so so right- maybe it is because they don't understand in full and maybe it's also because I don't understand them in full either, but you know that's what a heart-to-heart talk is for, and I'm so glad you brought that up to give me courage for the discussion we will have when he comes to see me here in the States. And yes, even though we haven't known each other for a long time, I love you very much as a wonderful friend of mine and I'm sooo grateful Sophia-chan introduced me to you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole story..I really do owe it to you for being so so incredibly sweet to me and being there for me all at once. Thank you so much for everything<33
To Sayoko-chan: When I reflected on it, I could definitely see why you'd think that my parents themselves are being selfish and not caring about my feelings, but I also remembered that I'm not perfect either. I'm not sure yet if I believe in God or not...in fact, I don't even know what my beliefs are totally yet, but I do know that the possibility of him existing is always there, because look at what I've been blessed with! We make ourselves and our futures but there must have been some place where it began, and maybe he is the place. =) You're absolutely right, we've been given our own talents and abilities and it's up to us to use it to our full potential, not anyone else.
You told me that you were really afraid that one day I'd just snap and/or totally forget who I am...but because I have such caring, selfless, wonderful friends like you, I won't ever forget where I'm going with my life. I'm on a journey to find out where I'm going, and it's going to be one heck of an adventure, and I'm so glad I've got you to come with me along the way ^^ I love you very very much Sayoko-chan, and don't you forget it.
To Angel-kun: You're right, they work hard themselves and that could be a reason that they push me so hard...I've thought about that and I've always told myself that if I could work to make them happy, it'd relieve that pressure but in the end, they don't see it. But I know there will be a day that they will, so thank you so so much for encouraging me ^^ You too are a very caring, and incredibly generous person and everyone knows it<3 You take time to try and comment even when you yourself are so busy and I can tell because we often give each other such detailed comments haha, you're very dedicated. Thank you so much for your kind words Angel-kun, you're a truly amazing friend.
I'm so out of breath and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Now officially the worst summer ever.
I don't even know if I have energy to write about things like this that keep hurting me anymore.
Simply put, I must be an absolutely selfish monster that doesn't care about her parent's feelings.
At least, so I've been told.
I feel so alone. It's frightening. And I'm not even in America, so there's no one to go to.
What do you do when your own parents think you're just a person that doesn't care?
EDIT: Back in the States~ I have much to tell you all.
Hey everyone~ I'm in Seoul right now again and I've got to say, I can't be happier to be back. I still haven't seen my cousins yet, but I did get to see my grandpa(in fact, I'm staying at his house for some of today, hence the computer usage lol) and play Go-stop(korean card game) with him and my uncle yesterday. It was so much fun...even though I lost quite a few times haha.
I wanted to let you guys know that I probably am not going to be on for the next couple of days because I'm going to be quite a bit busy again. I'll be meeting some friends that my mom is incredibly close to and some more family members that I've never seen before. It should be interesting~ why not meet more new people? ^^
But more importantly, besides my telling you where I'm going to be, I guess I have some things I have to tell you all.
First off, regarding the picture up top, I actually, after that whole big fight thing I had with my dad, didn't feel like working on it at all. In fact, I was going to tell the friends I was doing the auction with(you know who you guys are), that I wanted to quit because I didn't want to get it done because I was just so down. But after reading all of you guys's comments, I thought about it for a day and was inspired to work on it again. And I thought that since that finished picture up there was mostly a product of you guys' support, despite it being Gaia-related, I thought I owed it to you guys to show you what you all allowed me to create. =) And overall it ended up being a picture that I really really love.
Second off, I just wanted to say you all are seriously some of the best people in the world. For the 9 of you that commented, I am seriously in your debt...because usually the same people that comment and have commented me before are often those that are always looking out for me, even if you aren't always there. So thank you guys so so much<33 I have a present for you all in the hopefully near future.(when I find time to work on it on my return back to Florida)
Third off, I thought about what you guys said to me and really considered telling my dad my feelings. I also thought about what my dad said about him "thinking he went wrong as a bad parent" or "what did he do incorrectly to make me so sad/angry" etc etc. Anna-chan, you said that during your time at uni, you just had to stop, sit and let the info sink in, and I spent a lot of time for the remainder of that day thinking about what had been said and I've been told. It really did help me a lot to just sit and think...although I didn't move. Same for after my studies...I just had to stop and think of what I learned for a while. It was probably one of the most helpful things to me to straighten out what just happened. However although I did touch on the subject, after thinking so deeply about it I decided against telling him the extent of everything I've told you guys.
Well, now that I think about it, I actually did end up telling him most of it, but I tried to restrain myself somewhat because I also didn't want him to end up hurting himself either. My dad..if you seriously all knew what he's been through and what I've found out lately about his life, you'd probably all be as shocked as I was when I found out. I've been through some pretty rough times but he's seriously been through hell(for lack of a better word, forgive me on that..) for like his entire life.
Of course, while thinking about this too, I remembered that many of you told me that I've got to care for myself and my own happiness too. Haha Truly-chan said "Never put your hand out for your head to get chopped off", and you're certainly right...you can't just give up one thing and at the same time give up something else of your own that's also important. I was happy to read that in many of the comments, most of you can relate to what I've been dealing with especially involving stress and my own goals, and it made me so happy to know that there are people that understand me and that are willing to stand beside me because of that fact. Ellen-chan and Angel-kun, thank you for telling me your own stories to help me through that whole thing. It was inspiring to know what you guys also have done. ^^ Don't forget, I'll always be standing beside you all too. =)
Oh and regarding the rigorous studying schedule...I actually did end up complying to it. BUT despite the strenuous nature of it, after working for 8 hours each day for 3 days straight, my dad agreed to a compromise...and he actually apologized to me. One night, I stayed up until 3am waiting for my dad to come home, and while I was waiting, I just did some SAT work so I could have to do less work the next day. He says about 90-100 pages each day is about good...and to let you all know of my progress, I've almost finished this and another entire book of practice tests and math concepts/problems. But anyway, my dad came home at around 3:30am and said I fell asleep at the desk with the book open LOL. I couldn't remember because I had practically fainted of course, but man..I remember being really tired that night.
So he agreed, that after seeing I was "serious" that he'd let me have a break of about an hour every 3 hours. So 3 hours. Break. 3 hours. Break. 3 hours. Done for the day. He did say he'd increase to 10 hours eventually after all =/
It's not the full compromise I had hoped for, but at least it's a start. And many of you told me that you just have to take it one step at a time. I'm sure one day soon my dad will understand what I've been doing and I also have to understand what I've been doing and be proud of what I've done and not worry too much about what I have to do. It'll be tough seeing the reaction from my dad sometimes, but you all are certainly right, I've got to stay true to myself at least SOME times. And although I didn't tell him directly, he at least understood that I was willing to work, but that I wasn't invincible by my working so hard. I've heard the saying many times before, but Mizu-chan, you're absolutely right, there's a HUGE difference between being THE best, and being YOUR best-and that doesn't have to involve killing yourself to get something you want, whether for yourself or for someone else.
Sam-kun, I asked my aunt and did try meditation yesterday with her(the day following my second grandmother's 49 day ritual ceremony) and you're right, it really did help. She used to be a devout Buddhist, so she knows a lot about meditation and things like that. It was just a basic session she did with me, but it really did help me feel better. So thank you for that suggestion~ =) My grandma said(since she also was a Buddhist) to me that meditation was great for clearing the mind when she didn't want to worry about her cancer and all the problems she was facing, and I agree, there was certainly a feeling of relief attached to that session I had with my aunt. So thank you again ^^
And above all, I really had to remember that yes, I'm only 16. Junior year and the summer along with it is difficult, but that only means I just have to better manage my time and not forget that it IS my summer. Cherri-chan, you have talked to me a lot about remembering that I'm just a teen in school like everybody else and up until after that fight, I really forgot where I was. You've gotta stick up for yourself, not just because you need to preserve your own beliefs, but also to set the record straight. Death is certainly not good for anybody mentally or physically as you and several others said, and I've got to watch my health above anything else. My dad always says my health is always more important than studying, but I never really believed him when he said it. But since I've heard it from you guys, it really is clearer and easier to see that yeah what he says is correct..but taking care of my health includes not compromising myself in full. After all, how can a runner run if his/her legs are broken? Or how can a singer sing if he/she has a cold? Same goes for me, how can I study if I don't relax myself mentally over the events that have happened and stay in shape first? I need to get out and not just stay locked up in an office studying all the time. Life is one big test, and as Wolfie-chan said, it's up to how you live it that determines the right answers. And how can I find answers staying inside an office studying all the time? I've got live and enjoy my time while I can before I begin the school year and return to school life again. My grandmas and my neighbor would certainly want me to go out and live my life rather than have me be unhappy any day...and I guess in remembering what they say, I'm also letting them go, which kind of makes me happy. It's good to keep people in your hearts, but not always good to cling onto them forever...and after my second grandma's 49 day ritual ceremony, I really understood that much better than I had ever before.
And finally, Innocent-chan, your comment actually really made me think the most. When you asked me about what I meant about goals...I reread what I wrote and I couldn't remember what it was that I meant either. I guess I was just so lost in my thoughts that I didn't keep reality in check at the time. But now that it's been a little bit and I've thought about it, I think I know what I meant in saying those things.
The impossible for me, although it may come easy to many others, has always been being able to find a balance. It's always been that I either give myself up to my parents or others, and find no time for myself...or that I do stuff for myself only to feel selfish and have others feel ignored by me in the end. Thus, one of my biggest fears is to upset people, because hurting others causes me much more pain than others hurting me. I thought about some things, like weight, studying, and appearance, and compared to love and trust, those 3 things seem like such little things, it's almost hard to believe. But at times I get completely consumed by those little things when I know I shouldn't be and you're right, I just need to set a bunch of little goals for myself to achieve those little things. And in turn, after I've achieved those little goals, I can achieve the close-to-impossible ones that deal with the big things, love and trust. And by love and trust, I don't just mean for others, but also for me to love and trust myself. And you told me that goals help you move forward...and you're right, how can a person live if they have nothing they want to achieve or want to do? There'd be no purpose for you to live! Even if it's a simple goal like making a family member smile, at least it's SOMETHING to live for, and that's what's important and I shouldn't lose sight of that.
I've never been spoiled like some of those kids that are incredibly rich and get whatever they want when they ask. Strangely, I don't envy them, because I know the effort and time that I put into getting something I want is something that they could probably never experience and that I could never take back. And it's a great feeling when you can give something your all and know that you did great no matter what the outcome.
So I hope that answers your question, Innocent-chan. What I want isn't necessarily tangible...and wanting something can be extremely selfish, and I'm sorry if it came across to you that way...but like you, I certainly have almost everything I need: family, friends, life, a home, and people to share my feelings with. The only thing I need to complete this list is just a balance...that's all. And it might take some time, but I won't give up.
Over the last 2 days, I've found out some pretty shocking things about my dad's side of the family and although I can't tell you all about it right now(due to the length of this post and it not being the right time), it really has explained a lot about why my dad thinks this way and why he's so set on looking AHEAD, and not focusing on enjoying NOW. I'll tell you all about it some other time, after all, I think you guys deserve to know a little bit more about me and my family.
But anyway, I'm sorry for another long post, but many of you don't seem to mind *laughs* and I really should accept that. I can't help but apologize though, I worry too much about what others think/feel about things ^^:
Nevertheless, I love you all so so much. I tell you guys this in about every post, but that's because I never know if it'll be the last chance I get to tell you all how much I care! I hope to show it through my art as well in each and every piece. Thank you guys so so much<3333 So please all of you take care of yourselves, and have a wonderful day because you deserve it and much more!
Between what you want and what you're able to do.
I always seem to figure this out the hard way. Mostly because the discrepancy for both seems to be enormous in my life. It's kind of like dream vs. reality I guess.
What I want always seems to be an impossible goal. And like some others, at the same time, I want to do the least amount possible to achieve that goal.
Same goes for what I'm able to do. I want to do the impossible, but I know that I can't achieve the impossible. Of course, that depends on what the impossible is...because it feels like that unless I kill myself, bleed, or give up a portion of my life for a goal, I'm always "almost" there. I never actually GET it. So well...I don't know. They say you should chase your dreams and not follow them, but I guess I always feel like I'm just following...
I guess it goes to say that unless you're one of those people that has everything handed to you in life, you really must work hard for what you want. I know this sounds really stupid because it seems like common sense, but it seems like a lot of people in the world actually DON'T realize this fact.
And I'm sorry if that long spiel seemed random and like it was a waste of your time but really it sums up what I'm about to say and what I'm thinking. What's been happening with me for the past week or so?
Well I think last time I told you guys, I was about to go on a mountain hike trip for a day.
So I went to a mountain place called Chi-Ak mountain, which was my grandma on my dad's side's favorite place to be(and she took a gorgeous pic there with my grandpa during autumn one year). It was absolutely beautiful, although not as vibrant in color since it's only summer, but nonetheless it was much more amazing to see the place where she was in real life than actually in a mere photo. I went there with my sister, my dad, and a few of his students(whom I'm pretty close to), and it was an incredible adventure and really beautiful place. Haha we were on our way to a supposed waterfall at the near top of the mountain which took about a good 3 hours to reach, and when we got there we were all like WHATTHEHECKADKASGOIQUERPQDSLFA because it was SO TINY. xDDD SMALLEST WATERFALL EVER. But it was cool up there even with the large amounts of bugs and dirt, so we ate some sushi for lunch while we stayed there. lol.
We even stayed at this REALLY nice hotel called Hotel Inter-Burgo(don't ask about the name xDDD I don't know what it means either LOL). I wish I could show you all pictures, but unfortunately my sister left back for America with her camera because of medical school...and that brings me to my next bit.
Is it seriously realistic for 3 people I really care about and are close to to die within less than a month of each other?
It was a little while ago, but on the 25th I got word from my mother after she called my neighbor that is living back in the States that my neighbor, Mr. Jim who was sick with leukemia, had passed away.
Jesus Christ(and excuse me for using that so crudely...I don't mean any offense to Jesus, God, or anyone, but seriously that's what I said when I heard the news), I was about to just punch a wall or SOMETHING. I mean, why does everyone pass away when I'm NOT THERE? My grandmas both died while I was back in Florida and now RIGHT AFTER I LEAVE FOR KOREA my "second grandpa" passes away from we don't even know what! T___T
I spend Christmas with Mr. Jim and his wife Mrs. Lynn every year, and we live right across the street from each other so we're SUPER close. They are like my second grandparents, no kidding, and they have taken such good care of us. I was like WHAT THE HECK when I got the news....
He was 10+ years younger than my grandmas and he passed away. My mom, sister and dad(all of whom are doctors/nurses with medical experience) all think it wasn't even from the leukemia judging by his condition right before we left... He just seemed extremely lethargic and tired, nothing too serious...and we thought he'd get over it and go home and everything would just be back to normal.
Thank goodness my mom, sister, and I visited him in the hospital right before we left for Korea...but I didn't have the slightest CLUE that would be the last time we'd speak. Mr. Jim and I had so many plans, including him teaching me how to hunt so one day soon we'd go hunting together and also him teaching me how to drive so I could get my license this summer...
*sigh* Well he was actually a war veteran that fought in the Korean War believe it or not, so he's going to be buried with other war veterans in the city of some of his family members up in Jacksonville. Lucky for my sister(although at the same time, not so lucky), she'll be able to attend his funeral tomorrow.
About the long business at the beginning of this post, it really has to do with what happened today.
I don't know why like everytime I try and study with my dad or go to Korea things end up being like this, but it just keeps happening over and over again and I think it's mostly because I'm making the same mistakes and not fixing them. It's really frustrating, and I think that's why I cried today.
My dad is a great person, he really is, and I'm sure all of you think highly of at least someone close to you like a parent or a friend, but we all have our moments with them I'm sure. Well it just so happens that it happened again with me today, we got into somewhat of an argument...my fault as per usual. And he ended up blaming himself again and asking things like "where did I go wrong?" and "Am I really that bad of a dad?" and "Why doesn't she appreciate me?".
I don't think he said those things with the intention of me to "self-bash", so-to-speak, but everytime my parents end up saying things like that, I can't help but feel I was the one that went totally wrong. After all, my parents just want the best for me right?
Well perhaps it's not the best idea to go on like this without telling you guys what happened lol, it doesn't help just to hear one person's uptake on things and nothing about the actual event.
So since my sister left back for Florida yesterday, my dad said I'd better start studying for SAT(yep, I know, it doesn't leave me alone...). Time suggested for studying? 6-8 hours.
Geez frickin, I know what about half of you or more are thinking, that's absolutely insane.
Well yeah. And I agree. Although I understand his argument of "what's 6-8 hours out of 24 hours?", really...it's not easy to just sit down and study Reading and Math straight up for that long. Not to mention I won't even be at home doing this, I'd be in his office. Really uncomfortable setting sometimes, especially for long bouts of time. =/
I especially don't like it when my parents say "well you can sit down and draw for like 6 hours, what's wrong with studying for 6 hours?". And I'm like how can you compare the two?! They are COMPLETELY different. And I know that a majority of people do NOT enjoy studying, whereas I'm sure much more people actually ENJOY drawing. There's such a huge difference to me...and although I know what he means by there being soo many hours in a day...in the end there is actually probably about 10-12 hours that I really have each day if you include sleeping, eating, and other things(it IS Korea..people always coming over etc.) plus not everything usually goes EXACTLY as planned...so add on maybe another hour or so to the bunch. 8 hours for sleep(maybe 9?), 3 hours to eat, 1 hour extra in case...
And that leaves maybe 10 hours? Minus 6-8, if I study for the remaining time. My dad says we should up it to 10 hours after I get used to the routine. He doesn't know why I have such a problem with studying for that long...he and my sister do it all the time.
I know what he means, and I understand his idea of "you'd better kill yourself if you REALLY want something..."(like a higher SAT score? I work hard but I'm not THAT desperate for like a 2400) "...and just do whatever you want later."
Well I'm sorry but I have to read an entire book in SPANISH, read another book for summer reading, answer a question packet for the book in Spanish, write a 20 page extended essay, start thinking about reccommendation letters and asking teachers, fill out a college research packet for TOK, do a math packet that's 20 pages long, and do my community service hours for school.
If that isn't a lot of work to someone over the course of about 2.5 months, I don't know what is... =/
And on top of that he wants me to devote 6-8 hours of my day to studying for the SAT retake I'm doing in October. Oh, and plus Subject Tests in November. Which will be coupled by being captain of the golf team for the fall season and homework/tests for my classes.
Well gee. That's not a lot to do right?
I apologize for using such a sarcastic and pompous tone...I really hate hearing it and I know what it feels like to get it ALL the time and it really isn't a good feeling. So again I'm sorry for using that kind of tone...but it frustrates me because despite all of these demands I'm getting, I feel like everything just boils down to me. If I don't listen to what they say, they end up saying bad things about themselves and they don't seem to think I even feel the slightest bit guilty about that? My parents say I don't think I appreciate them enough, but I work hard in school, tell them I love them everyday, and I REALLY DO NOT SLACK. I'm a straight-A student AND plus captain of the golf team, I draw, and play piano...I'm working hard to lose weight and learn Korean, my toughest goals ever, and they are asking more of me...I don't know how much more of myself I can seriously compensate(and by listing those, I don't mean to sound like someone who brags a lot, forgive me for that if any of you misunderstood). I mean, what more can I do to show them how much I appreciate them as parents without killing myself in the process? I make them gifts, work hard, and study but they don't think it's enough because they want the "ABSOLUTE BEST" for me from "what I am able to do/my potential". I want to save my independence and my own wants but at the same time, I feel like if I don't do what they say, they'll be unhappy and more than anything I don't want to upset anyone.
So yeah, in the middle and at the end of all of that, I just cried. One reason being, he says he'll help me but the only main problems I have in taking tests is one I don't think anybody can really fix. I can eliminate answers until I have 2 choices left, but I always choose the wrong one. They say that you should look at the test and see why you guessed that way, but ETS doesn't let you take a copy of the SAT home, even if you want to pay for one. Same goes for all of my practice books..I've done 3 of them and always it's the same thing, plus they are never really a true reflection of the actual SAT...which saddens me because it feels like no matter how much I practice, my application just isn't good enough.
Maybe I'm not trusting my dad as much as I should be...it's not like I've even tried his 6-8 hour studying method yet with his help, so I guess I'm not really one to judge. But 6-8 hours in an office...the thought of it really is overwhelming and even kind of scary. And from there an increase to 10 hours? Even more terrifying.
Well I guess it won't hurt to try it right...?
To be honest, aside from letting you all know what's been happening with me, this post was also to let you guys know what I'm probably gonna be giving myself up again. Don't worry, this won't mean I'm never going to draw, comment, or come on here again, but I guess this is a mild farewell of some sort. I wrote this post to mentally prepare myself for my dad's rigorous schedule and I know it may not be the best option for me physically or mentally, but I guess it won't hurt to try his way again huh? Next to SAT help, since he's a chemistry teacher, he's also going to teach me Chemistry ahead of time again for Senior year...a lot, I know, but I guess I'd rather give up myself than have others be unhappy.
Anyway I'm sorry about babbling on and on about these depressing things, I really am. I'm just as tired of hearing/thinking/talking about it, if not more, than you guys are. And I don't like saying these kinds of posts but really it's been on my mind and it's just hard to let go of these kinds of things...I seriously feel like I've been through hell this past month or two, but I feel bad in saying that because I'm sure there are many more out there that have it worse than I do. I've never asked you guys to comment my blog posts, and yet many of you still do so I thank you guys so so much for that. And like my parents, more than anything I don't want to upset any of you either, so please if you have a problem with me or feel like I'm ignoring you or something, let me know okay?
You guys are the best. And words on a page cannot describe how much I appreciate you guys. Thank you all for being there for me and those of you that read this or not, I love you guys so much.<3 Take care everyone.
Haha sorry I'm late with this post everyone, it's been a hectic past 3 days here already and my goodness time just flies! Jetlag has also been killing me too, so it's been difficult getting online on the computer because I keep crashing from sleep xD Nonetheless, I arrived safely to Korea for those of you that didn't know! And I just wanted to say it's been interesting the past few days~ perhaps another day I will have to tell you just what's been happening. Tomorrow I will be going hiking on the mountain with my dad, sister, and his students where my grandparents on my dad's side met, and I'm very very excited to see this place(I've only seen photos, and it's gorgeous!)! I shall have to tell you all about it soon!
Oh and Happy Birthday to you Innocent-chan!! I'm sorry I'm late, the time zone and day switch totally threw me off, so I'm a day ahead of you(aka late xDD)! Anyway I hope it was a fantastic birthday and I'm sorry I couldn't have something better for you to commemorate your special day! Best wishes my friend, I love you bunches!
And don't forget I love you all too!!<33 I hope you all are doing well! Take care!
