Between what you want and what you're able to do.
I always seem to figure this out the hard way. Mostly because the discrepancy for both seems to be enormous in my life. It's kind of like dream vs. reality I guess.
What I want always seems to be an impossible goal. And like some others, at the same time, I want to do the least amount possible to achieve that goal.
Same goes for what I'm able to do. I want to do the impossible, but I know that I can't achieve the impossible. Of course, that depends on what the impossible is...because it feels like that unless I kill myself, bleed, or give up a portion of my life for a goal, I'm always "almost" there. I never actually GET it. So well...I don't know. They say you should chase your dreams and not follow them, but I guess I always feel like I'm just following...
I guess it goes to say that unless you're one of those people that has everything handed to you in life, you really must work hard for what you want. I know this sounds really stupid because it seems like common sense, but it seems like a lot of people in the world actually DON'T realize this fact.
And I'm sorry if that long spiel seemed random and like it was a waste of your time but really it sums up what I'm about to say and what I'm thinking. What's been happening with me for the past week or so?
Well I think last time I told you guys, I was about to go on a mountain hike trip for a day.
So I went to a mountain place called Chi-Ak mountain, which was my grandma on my dad's side's favorite place to be(and she took a gorgeous pic there with my grandpa during autumn one year). It was absolutely beautiful, although not as vibrant in color since it's only summer, but nonetheless it was much more amazing to see the place where she was in real life than actually in a mere photo. I went there with my sister, my dad, and a few of his students(whom I'm pretty close to), and it was an incredible adventure and really beautiful place. Haha we were on our way to a supposed waterfall at the near top of the mountain which took about a good 3 hours to reach, and when we got there we were all like WHATTHEHECKADKASGOIQUERPQDSLFA because it was SO TINY. xDDD SMALLEST WATERFALL EVER. But it was cool up there even with the large amounts of bugs and dirt, so we ate some sushi for lunch while we stayed there. lol.
We even stayed at this REALLY nice hotel called Hotel Inter-Burgo(don't ask about the name xDDD I don't know what it means either LOL). I wish I could show you all pictures, but unfortunately my sister left back for America with her camera because of medical school...and that brings me to my next bit.
Is it seriously realistic for 3 people I really care about and are close to to die within less than a month of each other?
It was a little while ago, but on the 25th I got word from my mother after she called my neighbor that is living back in the States that my neighbor, Mr. Jim who was sick with leukemia, had passed away.
Jesus Christ(and excuse me for using that so crudely...I don't mean any offense to Jesus, God, or anyone, but seriously that's what I said when I heard the news), I was about to just punch a wall or SOMETHING. I mean, why does everyone pass away when I'm NOT THERE? My grandmas both died while I was back in Florida and now RIGHT AFTER I LEAVE FOR KOREA my "second grandpa" passes away from we don't even know what! T___T
I spend Christmas with Mr. Jim and his wife Mrs. Lynn every year, and we live right across the street from each other so we're SUPER close. They are like my second grandparents, no kidding, and they have taken such good care of us. I was like WHAT THE HECK when I got the news....
He was 10+ years younger than my grandmas and he passed away. My mom, sister and dad(all of whom are doctors/nurses with medical experience) all think it wasn't even from the leukemia judging by his condition right before we left... He just seemed extremely lethargic and tired, nothing too serious...and we thought he'd get over it and go home and everything would just be back to normal.
Thank goodness my mom, sister, and I visited him in the hospital right before we left for Korea...but I didn't have the slightest CLUE that would be the last time we'd speak. Mr. Jim and I had so many plans, including him teaching me how to hunt so one day soon we'd go hunting together and also him teaching me how to drive so I could get my license this summer...
*sigh* Well he was actually a war veteran that fought in the Korean War believe it or not, so he's going to be buried with other war veterans in the city of some of his family members up in Jacksonville. Lucky for my sister(although at the same time, not so lucky), she'll be able to attend his funeral tomorrow.
About the long business at the beginning of this post, it really has to do with what happened today.
I don't know why like everytime I try and study with my dad or go to Korea things end up being like this, but it just keeps happening over and over again and I think it's mostly because I'm making the same mistakes and not fixing them. It's really frustrating, and I think that's why I cried today.
My dad is a great person, he really is, and I'm sure all of you think highly of at least someone close to you like a parent or a friend, but we all have our moments with them I'm sure. Well it just so happens that it happened again with me today, we got into somewhat of an argument...my fault as per usual. And he ended up blaming himself again and asking things like "where did I go wrong?" and "Am I really that bad of a dad?" and "Why doesn't she appreciate me?".
I don't think he said those things with the intention of me to "self-bash", so-to-speak, but everytime my parents end up saying things like that, I can't help but feel I was the one that went totally wrong. After all, my parents just want the best for me right?
Well perhaps it's not the best idea to go on like this without telling you guys what happened lol, it doesn't help just to hear one person's uptake on things and nothing about the actual event.
So since my sister left back for Florida yesterday, my dad said I'd better start studying for SAT(yep, I know, it doesn't leave me alone...). Time suggested for studying? 6-8 hours.
Geez frickin, I know what about half of you or more are thinking, that's absolutely insane.
Well yeah. And I agree. Although I understand his argument of "what's 6-8 hours out of 24 hours?", really...it's not easy to just sit down and study Reading and Math straight up for that long. Not to mention I won't even be at home doing this, I'd be in his office. Really uncomfortable setting sometimes, especially for long bouts of time. =/
I especially don't like it when my parents say "well you can sit down and draw for like 6 hours, what's wrong with studying for 6 hours?". And I'm like how can you compare the two?! They are COMPLETELY different. And I know that a majority of people do NOT enjoy studying, whereas I'm sure much more people actually ENJOY drawing. There's such a huge difference to me...and although I know what he means by there being soo many hours in a day...in the end there is actually probably about 10-12 hours that I really have each day if you include sleeping, eating, and other things(it IS Korea..people always coming over etc.) plus not everything usually goes EXACTLY as planned...so add on maybe another hour or so to the bunch. 8 hours for sleep(maybe 9?), 3 hours to eat, 1 hour extra in case...
And that leaves maybe 10 hours? Minus 6-8, if I study for the remaining time. My dad says we should up it to 10 hours after I get used to the routine. He doesn't know why I have such a problem with studying for that long...he and my sister do it all the time.
I know what he means, and I understand his idea of "you'd better kill yourself if you REALLY want something..."(like a higher SAT score? I work hard but I'm not THAT desperate for like a 2400) "...and just do whatever you want later."
Well I'm sorry but I have to read an entire book in SPANISH, read another book for summer reading, answer a question packet for the book in Spanish, write a 20 page extended essay, start thinking about reccommendation letters and asking teachers, fill out a college research packet for TOK, do a math packet that's 20 pages long, and do my community service hours for school.
If that isn't a lot of work to someone over the course of about 2.5 months, I don't know what is... =/
And on top of that he wants me to devote 6-8 hours of my day to studying for the SAT retake I'm doing in October. Oh, and plus Subject Tests in November. Which will be coupled by being captain of the golf team for the fall season and homework/tests for my classes.
Well gee. That's not a lot to do right?
I apologize for using such a sarcastic and pompous tone...I really hate hearing it and I know what it feels like to get it ALL the time and it really isn't a good feeling. So again I'm sorry for using that kind of tone...but it frustrates me because despite all of these demands I'm getting, I feel like everything just boils down to me. If I don't listen to what they say, they end up saying bad things about themselves and they don't seem to think I even feel the slightest bit guilty about that? My parents say I don't think I appreciate them enough, but I work hard in school, tell them I love them everyday, and I REALLY DO NOT SLACK. I'm a straight-A student AND plus captain of the golf team, I draw, and play piano...I'm working hard to lose weight and learn Korean, my toughest goals ever, and they are asking more of me...I don't know how much more of myself I can seriously compensate(and by listing those, I don't mean to sound like someone who brags a lot, forgive me for that if any of you misunderstood). I mean, what more can I do to show them how much I appreciate them as parents without killing myself in the process? I make them gifts, work hard, and study but they don't think it's enough because they want the "ABSOLUTE BEST" for me from "what I am able to do/my potential". I want to save my independence and my own wants but at the same time, I feel like if I don't do what they say, they'll be unhappy and more than anything I don't want to upset anyone.
So yeah, in the middle and at the end of all of that, I just cried. One reason being, he says he'll help me but the only main problems I have in taking tests is one I don't think anybody can really fix. I can eliminate answers until I have 2 choices left, but I always choose the wrong one. They say that you should look at the test and see why you guessed that way, but ETS doesn't let you take a copy of the SAT home, even if you want to pay for one. Same goes for all of my practice books..I've done 3 of them and always it's the same thing, plus they are never really a true reflection of the actual SAT...which saddens me because it feels like no matter how much I practice, my application just isn't good enough.
Maybe I'm not trusting my dad as much as I should be...it's not like I've even tried his 6-8 hour studying method yet with his help, so I guess I'm not really one to judge. But 6-8 hours in an office...the thought of it really is overwhelming and even kind of scary. And from there an increase to 10 hours? Even more terrifying.
Well I guess it won't hurt to try it right...?
To be honest, aside from letting you all know what's been happening with me, this post was also to let you guys know what I'm probably gonna be giving myself up again. Don't worry, this won't mean I'm never going to draw, comment, or come on here again, but I guess this is a mild farewell of some sort. I wrote this post to mentally prepare myself for my dad's rigorous schedule and I know it may not be the best option for me physically or mentally, but I guess it won't hurt to try his way again huh? Next to SAT help, since he's a chemistry teacher, he's also going to teach me Chemistry ahead of time again for Senior year...a lot, I know, but I guess I'd rather give up myself than have others be unhappy.
Anyway I'm sorry about babbling on and on about these depressing things, I really am. I'm just as tired of hearing/thinking/talking about it, if not more, than you guys are. And I don't like saying these kinds of posts but really it's been on my mind and it's just hard to let go of these kinds of things...I seriously feel like I've been through hell this past month or two, but I feel bad in saying that because I'm sure there are many more out there that have it worse than I do. I've never asked you guys to comment my blog posts, and yet many of you still do so I thank you guys so so much for that. And like my parents, more than anything I don't want to upset any of you either, so please if you have a problem with me or feel like I'm ignoring you or something, let me know okay?
You guys are the best. And words on a page cannot describe how much I appreciate you guys. Thank you all for being there for me and those of you that read this or not, I love you guys so much.<3 Take care everyone.
