So, as the world knows, Robin Williams committed suicide a couple weeks ago. This hit me in such a hard way it surprised me. Let me explain.
I have stated on the site many times over the last 10+ years I have been a member that I suffer from Manic-Depression or Bi-Polar Disorder. My manic moods(the upper end of the emotional spectrum) don't come around often. When they do, they don't stick around long. So the majority of the time, I'm at the bottom of the hill of the Bi-Polar-Coaster.
I spent over a year in therapy, before lack of insurance and serious lack of funding kinda forced me out of it. I'd like to say it helped, but I can't be 100% sure. I know the things that I need to do to improve myself, however, finding the motivation or reason to accomplish them often proves too difficult. Continuing to talk about my weight issues, my crippling lack of self worth, or that everlasting feeling that I'll never find a woman to share my life with seemed counter-productive sometimes. Talking to someone is a great way to work through issues, but I'm also a compulsive worrier. So when I talk about my issues, I'm in my own head, and it just gets worse from there.
I'm also on medications to manage my depression and anxiety.
Anxiety, there's another issue. I don't like dealing with people much. You can call it me being anti-social or whatever. Truth is, face to face, I just flat out don't like interacting with people I don't know. Trying to force small talk completely wipes me out. So just getting out and meeting people or hell, even going to the store is an event I need to recover from.
So, anyway. I'm on medications to help manage my lovely pack of mental illness. But there are still, and probably always will be, moments where all of it breaks through and I completely shut down. It usually happens in an instant, with no warning whatsoever. Nothing I can do about it. Medication doesn't do shit about it.
I bring these things up because after what happened to Robin. I felt terrible, not just because the world lost a great source of joy and wonderment. He was a brilliant comedian and an outstanding actor. By all accounts he had a wonderful family, was a very grounded and charitable person to all of those he ever met along the way.
I also felt terrible because it hit me like a ton of bricks. Depression doesn't give a flying shit who you are. Robin Williams had access to the best in the world to help him try and overcome his issues with depression and addiction. But Depression won again anyway. After realizing that, I thought "If he couldn't handle it, with all the money and access in the world, what the fuck kind of chance do I have?"
I try to work through my issues, but sometimes, I'm all but crippled by them. The worst part of all of it is when someone who has never been through this tries to give advice. "Get over it. Cheer Up. Deal with it." I hate when people tell me that. If it were that easy, nobody would suffer from Depression.
I know I've rambled. I would have liked to plan this post out a bit better, but I'm not a good writer and I cannot extract clear thoughts from my head in situations like this. I try to use the right words to get my point across, but I always end up confusing and frustrating myself.
Thanks for letting me get this out.
John.
