Fuck it, this episode screwed with my brain, dumped it off in a cheap motel and then screwed it again the next week. I'm too full of "OMG WTF" to know if that is a good or bad thing. Let's just get to the surely crazed ramblings.
ALSO SHISHOU IF YOU READ ANY OF THIS WHATSOEVER I KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL YOU
-- Wouldn't it be crazy if this were Jacob?
-- OK, never mind, this is probably one of Ileana's people.
-- These guys look like pirates.
-- ... Yeah, I have no clue who these guys are.
-- I wonder how far back in the past this is.
-- Haha, I was right!
-- Hi, mysterious statue!!
-- "HAY GUESS WHO'S LAYING IN THE SHADOW OF THE STATUE LOL"
-- I feel like one of these kids is Kate, and it makes me want to hate her.
-- HAHA SHE SCREWED IT UP, IT'S DEFINITELY KATE
-- New Kids on the Block is too good for Kate.
-- WTF IT'S JACOB
-- Oh thank God, I didn't listen for a moment, so I briefly thought Jacob was related to Kate somehow.
-- Kate just got owned hardcore.
-- Convenient instructions are convenient.
-- Shut up and listen to the doc, Radzinsky.
-- Didn't Sun ask that last week?
-- Jacob made Richard beautiful.
-- lol, lying Locke is lying.
-- Locke is planning mass slaughter, perhaps?
-- Haha, that guy is an idiot.
-- I wonder if the warhead is in the box?
-- Is that Tiny Jacob? :O
-- Oh snap, it's Sawyer. Guess this episode will be about how Jacob touched the lives of all the Oceanic peeps.
-- And look it's the famous letter.
-- Oh, looky, Kate suddenly cares about people.
-- Don't look to Kate for approval, Sawyer. :|
-- Juliet being in charge of this mission bodes way better for their chances than Kate being in charge.
-- That guy looks and sounds like Kirk Douglas, but it's not him. Mostly because he's really old.
-- Jack just convinced Richard to let Locke be the leader and kill Jacob. So, if Jacob dies, then it's sort of Jack's fault. lol owned
-- Ben: "... Fuck, I shouldn't have told you that."
-- Lazy Locke is lazy. If you want to kill someone, do it yourself, buddy.
-- Haha, Jacob has Richard Alpert Syndrome.
-- Worst. Death. Ever. Jacob is a dick.
-- Richard is a pragmatic assistant.
-- Also, interesting that Eloise is the leader. Is she the leader, or are she and Widmore like a husband/wife team?
-- These Dharma guys fail at noticing things.
-- NO NO NO NO NO NO IF SAYID DIES HERE I WILL RAGE NO NO NO NO NO I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS DEATH JACK YOU HAD BETTER SAVE SAYID OR I HATE YOU MORE THAN KATE
-- VINCENT IS INVINCIBLE FUCK YEAH
-- Hey, good of you two to finally show up.
-- Holy Jesus, Bernard looks fuckin' horrible.
-- lol, how ridiculous of a plot twist would it have been if Rose and Bernard were Others?
-- Haha, Rose basically said, "Who gives a shit, bitch?" Take that, Kate.
-- wtf is Juliet pregnant or something??
-- HOW ABOUT YOU SHOW THE BOX TO US, PLZ
-- Jacob sez, "Get better, Ileana."
-- Also, that must have been one bad bounty that f'ed her up.
-- Lapidus championing the environment amuses me for some reason.
-- ... Dude, this is really frightening now. Jacob is fucking omniscient.
-- AND LOCKE WANTS BEN TO KILL THIS GUY?!?!?!
-- haha Ben. "I'm a Pisces." Locke really did sound like he was going to ask Ben to the prom.
-- Aww, poor Ben never got a chance to see Jacob.
-- ... Man, that makes Ben's life sound like total shit.
-- BEN IS FILLED WITH MURDEROUS RAGE
-- D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wedding ;_;
-- Jacob crashes all the coolest parties.
-- SAYID USE YOUR AWESOME TO HEAL YOURSELF
-- RUN OVER KATE, HURLEY
-- Jacob chooses only the best feet for living space. The hut is like his summer home.
-- OMG, if Jacob is one of the assisstants ...
-- ALCOHOLIC RAGE ON CANDY MACHINE
-- Jack, believe in the Christian who believes in you.
-- THIS IS TIME THAT COULD BE WAY BETTER SPENT, YOU KNOW, SAVING SAYID
-- Fuck, just take her and go die, you moron. Jeez.
-- YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, BOOOOOOOOOOOOY
-- wtf Jack totally couldn't kick Sawyer's ass.
-- LOL @ Sawyer kicking Jack in the balls!! xD
-- NOBODY SHOOT SAWYER
-- GAH WHAT?!?!?! I am as confused as Sawyer.
-- Blah. This feels like a forced plot point. I am not a fan of this change of heart by Juliet.
-- lol, Kate is totally trying to get Jack to think with his dick so that he won't blow up the island.
-- Crazy Jack is crazy.
-- Kate and Jack both dying in a nuclear blast would make this the best season finale ever.
-- Haha, it's awesome that Hurley has a Fruit Roll-Up.
-- Jacob is the most polite taxigoer ever.
-- Oh snap, this is why Hurley goes back to the island.
-- lol, I know Jack just handed Hurley the gun temporarily, but it's like he went, "Oh crap, what did I just do?" and took it back.
-- "Screw you, Dr. Asshole."
-- Depressing Ben is making me laugh.
-- Richard: "... Whatever, fuck you guys."
-- Here's hoping Ben is better at close-quarters combat than he was against Desmond.
-- Sayid, stop looking dead wtf. :(
-- Miles is the audience.
-- The Dharma guys are the shittiest shots ever.
-- LOL IT'S A DUD
-- OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNED
-- Oh snap, that's how ol' doc loses his hand.
-- AH MAN, I was hoping he would try to shoot Sawyer, and then the bullets would fly back and fuckin' nail him in the head.
-- OH GOD DON'T LET JULIET DIE
-- OH GOD KATE IS HELPING JULIET IS GOING TO DIE
-- :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
-- Hi, can you show us the box now?? Please??
-- Latin is not my strong suit.
-- HOLY SHIT THAT IS FUCKING CRAZY
-- OH MY GOD MY SISTER JUST SAID LOCKE = JACOB THAT WOULD BE FUCKING INSANE
-- ... OK, so it's not Jacob, because here he is.
-- HOLY SHIT IT'S THAT GUY FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE
-- This is the most bitter Ben has ever been.
-- That is just about the cruelest answer Jacob could have given Ben.
-- OMG YAY SHE'S ALIVE PLEASE GOD DON'T KILL HER NOW
-- ... Oh, lord.
-- CRUELEST CLIFFHANGER EVER
So I have like five trillion questions running through my head right now. What is the loophole Jacob and that other dude (who I shall now call Evil Locke) were talking about at the beginning of the episode? How the hell did Evil Locke take over Locke's form? Why did Jacob specifically need to gather all these people, only to have Evil Locke kill him in the end? Is he even dead? Who are "they"? Just Ileana's group, or are they other people? Also, how the hell are the Losties getting back to the present? MY BOY SAYID WILL BE OK, RIGHT?!?!?!
Argh. I can't even properly react right now because there's just SO MUCH to think about. Jesus. Only real criticism of the finale is that I don't care for how Juliet acts, because it seems so forced that she is that paranoid about losing Sawyer to Kate. Like, she's wary, yeah, but to the level where she's going to nuke the fuck out of the island so that everything is erased? I just don't see it. Her flashback especially comes off as being manufactured so that her behavior will somehow make sense. It just rubs me the wrong way. I dunno, maybe it's just because I like Juliet so much and didn't want to see Kate "The Black Widow" Austen ruin YET ANOTHER relationship. God.
Hopefully Evil Locke will get some really good character development next season, because at least for now it seems kind of cheap that he's pulled out of thin air as some sort of contemporary to Jacob. The producers have known how it will all end for a while now, however, so I am confident they'll be able to wrap things up in a strong way next season.
ALSO FUCK JULIET IS DEAD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :( :( :( :( :(
