I can be a very impatient person, and I don't like waiting for things. This is even harder when loneliness shows its ugly face and grips my soul, digging its claws into me and ripping me up from the inside out. Yeah... that paints a pretty picture, doesn't it? Anyways, even though I've been trying to get over my loneliness and depression, the dark thoughts seem to find me and I forget the promise I made myself. It's hard to be patient when you live the life I do. I want things that seem to be out of my grasp, and it seems these things will never happen, and I'll be stuck like this forever. I feel like the princess who's trapped in some tower surrounded by a boiling lake of lava, guarded by a dragon. If she tries to escape, she'll just risk getting burned to death or dying from the heat because she knows nothing about survival skills or escaping such a place. As pathetic as this sounds, this is me. I'm waiting for the day my prince will rescue me from that tower. Meanwhile, I'm stuck doing the same things over and over again, so in essence, I'm like the princess who's in a deep slumber. She's sleeping and can only be awaken by true love's first kiss. Me? I'm awake and I'm staring out my window, hoping something will change. It's not that I don't try to change my fate and do something different. I do. It's just nothing ever happens.
It's not until I get depressed that I realize how cut off I am from the outside world. The only thing I have is my computer. I don't even have friends that I can hang out with. I've never really hung out with any of my friends with the exception of a few I met once outside of my online chats, but being an adult now, that's hard to do. Gosh... If I ever have children, I'm going to tell them to hang out with their friends as much as possible. In my life, I was led to believe keeping good grades was the most important thing. I see now, it's actually not. Good grades really have nothing to do with whether or not you wind up with a good job, and they don't really guarantee your future.
I like getting phone calls. As much as I suck at talking over the phone or even in person, it's refreshing when someone you care about very much calls you on the phone just to say hello. As much as I text or talk via IM, I'd rather hear a person's voice.
I know what's already been said to me, but I'd like to find someone that really loves me and that's not going to just use me. I'd like to find someone I can call whenever I'm lonely. Someone I can wrap my arms around. Someone I can lay with in the grass at the park. Someone I can hold hands with. Someone I can kiss when I'm ready and not just when he's ready. Someone I can go to when I need him. Someone that needs me. Someone that will text me just to tell me I'm pretty and they miss me. Someone that will text me just to make me happy in the morning. Someone that won't get offended when I tell him I'm not ready for something. Someone that treats me like his queen. I don't know, maybe the last part there is too much to ask for, but the rest shouldn't be. If I could hear someone tell me, "Nikki, I love you. Would you be my girl?" it would be nice.
It's not that online dating is bad. I've tried it a few times, but well, something tangible would be nice, ya know?
Now, that's not the most important thing. The most important thing out of this is that I feel like Jasmine in "Aladdin" and I'm just trapped. I want freedom of my own to go out and explore, even though I wouldn't know what I'm doing. I would like just a little bit of freedom even though I know it will be baby steps at first.
No, I will not sit here and be depressed about my job because I decided it's better to be content than depressed about it. I just roll on. After all, it's not like I don't have years to get a better job.
The prince I mentioned at the start is not to just love me, but he's there to save me from the mundane and give me a different life. So, I'm not so much depressed about not having a boyfriend or whatever as I am having my own life.
Now of course, most of life is mundane anyway so... I mean, when you get married, you have kids and then whatever jobs you have and you spend your whole life doing the same things over and over and raise your kids.
Life is too repetitive. Every once in a while, it's good to have change.
