I have watched pro wrestling in some form or another all my life. All I wanted to be when I was five years old was one of the Bushwackers. I thought, and still think, that Brian Pillman was off his rocker, but in a good way. I winced as I watched Mick Foley receive repeated chair shots to the head at the 1999 Royal Rumble. I, like many, freaking hate Vince Russo.
These hulking ogre-looking men were like uncles to me. I watched them battle on the side of good, to take down rotten cheaters, madmen with no regards to rules, and just plain evil rat bastards weekly. I saw those same good men turn into whining prima donnas, while the self-centered egotists and occult nutjobs turned into champions of the people at the drop of a hat. I've seen evil referees turn a blind eye to cheating, and seen men be pinned and defeated in matches they weren't even competing in.
Pro wrestling has taught me a lot about living. I live my simple collegiate life by tenants taught to me way back when, by teachers with names like "the Macho Man", "Big Daddy Cool", "the Japanese Buzzsaw", and "the Sexual Intellectual". For your benefit, friends, I'd like to share that knowledge with you now. Here are a few life lessons pro wrestling has taught me.
-First, as it pertains to foreign relations, if you aren't from the United States or Canada, you are a gross stereotype of your respective nation. British are all uppity and high-class, Germans are all harsh and militaristic, Middle Easterners are all rich and cartoonishly evil, and all Asian people are from Japan and wear funny pants. Furthermore, if you are Canadian and not good in the ring, you are most likely a Lumberjack or an Eskimo.
-No matter how devastatingly evil your actions are, no matter what you have said and done to the crowd, and no matter what you did to the good guys' car during the commercial break, the moment it is announced that you will be teaming with the good guys, the people will instantly love you.
-If you are from Samoa, nine times out of ten, you are a savage.
-The people love an asshole, a man who will insult everyone around him for no reason, hit opponents with foreign weapons, and take any advantage they can to win. Subsequently, the crowd hates a genuinely nice guy.
-If you have no physical skills, you can make up for this by speaking very well to the public and still win a match. If you have no physical skills and cannot speak very well, you can paint your face up in spooky patterns and wear outrageous clothing and still win matches. If you have no physical skills, cannot speak very well, and are no good at applying makeup, you can find someone who is good at these things, hang around them a lot, and still win matches.
-If you and your sibling begin teaming up to take on problems, you will have great success until you or your sibling becomes an egomaniac and leaves/ a member of the opposite sex comes between you/ you or your sibling becomes possessed by the evil occult madman you are acquainted with.
- While in combat, any weapon used against an opponent will hurt worse than a gunshot. This includes cookie sheets, plastic signs, empty aluminum beer cans, river water, the entire Gulf of Mexico, plush frankenstein toys, squeegees, grocery carts, open bags of flour, produce, boxes of saltine crackers, mittens, giant bags of popcorn, ect.
-Furthermore, if you are evil, there is a good chance a referee or members of law enforcement will never see your dastardly actions, so feel free to use those brass knuckles mid-match! If you are good, however, the referee will always stop you from doing things to get even with the bad guy and turn his back just long enough so the bad guy can commit his evil deed on you.
-If you do anything to help anybody, your boss will hate you and put you in scenarios where there is a high chance of you being hurt. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention this: you boss is a dick. He/she is always a dick.
-If you do not have a catch phrase, you are nobody.
-When you finally reach the pinnacle of your chosen profession, one of two things will happen. A monster of a man/ a really evil rat bastard will challenge you and destroy everything you hold dear, leading you on a road to revenge, or your ego will inflate like a balloon, and you will become an evil dick yourself.Either way, it's really not worth it to reach the top, gang.
There you have it. These ring warriors have imparted their wisdom on us, and it is our job to pass it along to the next generation. I only hope that we will have the greatness and the intestinal fortitude to carry through. Now if you'll excuse me-
Hey, look at this. The boss is announcing a tag match! Hey, I'm in! I wonder who I'll be teaming with! With my countless hours of volunteering at homeless shelters and helping the elderly and underprivileged kids, I'm sure he's picked a man just as good as I- waitaminute, Randy Orton? He's not good at all...
I... am... evil?
No. No! NO! NOOOO!
-Flint
