Hey there, everyone.
It hasn't been long since my last post and I thought that I would give you all an update as to how things are going for me at the moment.
In my last post I was talking about how stressed I was and basically how I was feeling down and out.
Since this post I shall now update you on some things that have changed and some things that have not..and other things.
WARNING
This post will get really personal. If you don't like those kind of posts, then this isnt one for you.
--Well let's start with work..
We were finally able to hire someone for me to train to take over the night shift so that I could go back to first shift....
It's not that the person is a terrible worker, and it's not like I suck at training..it's just that the person we hired doesn't wanna do a lot of the hard parts of the job. They complain and just go "Uh Uh this is too much." or "We have to do this every night? ...when will I learn how to make cakes"
I have explained to them time and time again that our position is not going to be decorating cakes or baking....and now they're whining about not wanting to work the times because they dont get to see their significant other or do anything fun.
My manager was kinda mad cuz she told the person the hours and what the shift was about in the interview and they accepted the job....so now the person is saying that they will be leaving soon...so yeah..I'm stuck on this stupid shift still.
I really do miss the morning shifts, coming in at 8am and leaving at 4 or 4:30pm...ugh
--Next, I will talk about my friends..
I have met a couple people at work who like anime and stuff and they are pretty nice. I wouldn't exactly call them my new friends yet, but its a start.
My old friends/Regular crew...I've tried talking to them and like...we have small conversations, but nothings got any better to be honest.
What's weird is a lot of my friends from like...middle school...people I haven't talked to in like 6 years have started talking back to me.
It's honestly kind of nice. Having people to talk to about random things is nice.
--I cut my hair...
This may not seem very important...but to people who know me IRL know that I have ALWAYS ALWAYS had long hair. Now my hair wasn't like down to my kneecaps or anything but my hair was like..down my back, probably down by my like...armpit I guess you could say. Anyways, since I have been stressed, my hair has been breaking off really bad, and I wasn't taking the best care of it either...plus I don't get my hair permed anymore so my natural hair was growing out and my ends were technically still permed so I had this weird...fluffy hair and straight weird ends.
SO! I had my mom cut all of my permed ends, and dead ends and basically I made her even my hair up.
My hair now brushes my shoulders.
I didn't just cut my hair so that I could fix my ends and stuff...but I felt like I also needed a change and that I needed to be freed of some of my troubles.
To me, my choppy and terrible hair kinda reflected how I felt about everything.
Once I saw what I looked like with short hair...I dunno, I felt different, like confidence boost and stuff and kinda happy.
I still like my new short-haired self....plus if I part it a certain way I can make my hair look like Korra's XD Mines is just a bit longer.
--How was your holidays?
I mean..for me it was okay.
I dunno if I'm depressed or if I'm just getting old, but holidays just don't seem very fun anymore. I am grateful for the gifts that I did get this Christmas..I just..I dunno have this empty feeling in me that I don't know how to lose. I got some awesome gifts and I dunno...I just had to fake the excitement. I got a TV for Xmas...and I had to fake being excited. Again. I appreciate all of my gifts, I just couldn't find it in myself to have any feelings besides sad...
--If you've made it here...you my dear are a trooper.
I'm about to get real personal now...so you've been warned.
So I don't really know what's been happening with me recently...
I haven't really been able to sleep... and when I finally get to sleep
I wake up feeling really depressed and stuff... A few days ago I woke up at 10:45am and went back to sleep and woke up at 1:15pm when I had to be out the door at 1:30pm /:
But the entire time I was walking to work I just felt weird and had super increased hearing cuz I literally heard everything. All the cars, the leaves, the trees. I felt like I was on drugs or something. But yeah that gave me a headache so I put my music on and mainly skipped every song cuz I didn't wanna hear any of them. I had forgot to do something at home so my mom was yelling at me through text.
For like the first 4hrs of my shift I felt super depressed and sluggish. Then I felt nauseated, and then back to sluggish. Then I went to the back to do dishes and I didn't feel good and I looked at my hands and they were shaking and then I noticed my entire body was shaking and my heart started raising and I realized i wasn't breathing for some reason so I tried to breathe but it turned into more heavy panting and gasping like I've been running or something. I couldn't catch my breath.
I remember the last couple times I've had an anxiety attack It felt like I couldn't breathe or catch my breath.
I told one of my friends about this...and they think that I might have "clinical depression" But they aren't a doctor...so I'm not going to jump to any conclusions like that. She even made me Google some symptoms (Which is something that you should never do by the way. Google will make you think you are dying) and, yeah I have a few like..
Feeling sad, and when I'm not sad, I'm irritated for no reason. Just angry..cuz that's just how I feel. I'm not angry at a specific thing or person...I dunno I feel angry at y self for being angry for no reason?
I don't really like doing besides coming home, laying in my bed, under the covers and scrolling through tumblr or whatever,...YouTube I guess.
I can't fall asleep most night...sometimes I'm up til 5:30am...some 7am...some nights I don't sleep..or I sleep for 15mins and keep waking up repeating the same things over and over again...some nights I just lie there in my bed and wonder why Im even still here, and what am I suppose to be doing...I'm just so confused//I find myself blaming me for things..like the reason why some of my friends are being the way they are...it must be me?...when did I become so guilty?
All I know is that I'm not the same...peppy happy me that I liked being...I don;t even know who i am anymore >.>
Anyways...I'm going to wrap this rambling post up here.
I apologize again for this not being something with more humor...I'm sorry.
~CrimzonN3k0 z~
