I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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Where Else to Find ME | Anime/Maga List | Non-Anime TV Shows | The Men in My Harem
Hey, all. I've noticed I've only posted, like, once a week lately. Gotta change that. I'm on here all the time, but I'm suffering from a severe writers block that makes me not want to even post anything ever.
What do you do to get over writer's block?
I tend to read, but even that's not working.
Yesterday, I started a book on my morning break at work... And then I never put it down. It was a 400 page book, and I finished it that day. It was so nice.
It's fucking cold here. In the negatives with windchill. It was such a nice weekend, too. Joe's in Florida for the week, lucky dude. I got to see him before he left at least. We had a fun time ;)
So last week, a friend of mine texted me that his girlfriend was sad because all her friends moved out of town, and she doesn't really have anyone here anymore and said that because I'm a people person, if I'd hang out with her. So I did. She's so cool, which I always knew, but we never got the chance to really hang out one on one before. We're gonna try to get together and have a Bourne movie night sometime soon!
One that I have to say about me, I have a hard time telling people no. I hate the thought of letting someone down and disappointing them. And it's because of my inability to say no that I kinda sorta got raped last summer. Anyway, I've really been working on it. I want to change that aspect of myself, and I've figured out why it is SO hard for me keep with it.
When I tell someone no, they don't listen. They keep pressuring me and guilt tripping me. How am I supposed to learn to say no when even if I do, the people push me until I say yes anyway. Might as well cut out the guilt tripping and just do it. These people have no idea how much their pressuring me is hurting me.
It's just frustrating is all.
Saturday and Sunday, I hung out with my friend E. We met my parents in SIoux City for supper Saturday night and then we went to some bars Sunday... yes, on a Sunday.
Now, I'm just working and what not. Wisdom teeth come out next week. Getting nervous!
Had a pretty chill week! For once. I really didn't have anything going on.
I guess the most exciting thing that's happened is Thursday night at 2:30, I woke up with sharp, stabbing pain in my lower left side. It was crippling. Couldn't move for half an hour. Then it went down enough for me to put a heating pad on it. I was able to fall asleep, and the next day, it was still kind of there, like if I bent over or moved funny, it twinged, but it never felt as bad as it did that night. And I wonder if it was a stress induced thing. I had people throwing appendicitis (2% chance on the left side), gall bladder, ovarian cysts. None sound pleasant, but I never went to the hospital because it stopped hurting, and I didn't want to pay money for them to tell me they didn't know.
Getting my wisdom teeth taken out at the end of the month. So, I'll be without internet for awhile then. Not looking forward to it, but it needs to be done.
This whole week Joe and I have been talking back and forth about... things. It always starts with him telling me he wishes things were better between us. That we were on the same page. Fuck, I wish that, too. He just doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling at all, and it's frustrating. Then all of a sudden we're talking about rough sex... I found out that I'm flexible in bed. But that's because he's been stretching me, although, he doesn't really know that, so that's cool. Then he told me I was great at sex, which is always nice to hear. His room has mirrors for the closet doors, so we made use of those. That was kind of neat.
But now I'm incredible bored.
Oh, I got rid of my RP worlds on here because they've been dead for over a year. So I need to think about what RP world I want to put up in their place. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.
Guys, guys, guys...
Remember when I talked about T, the guy I met at that party? Guess who came up and spent the WHOLE weekend with me! If you guessed T, you'd be right! He came up Friday night and left late this afternoon.
We never ran out of things to talk about. It was so nice. Friday night, I took him to Pita Pit and then we watched the Fox and the Hound at home, had some sexy time and went to bed. Saturday, we had more sexy time, got up around noon, went to Denny's for lunch, went to the mall, where he wanted me to go shop, and so I bought a couple shirts at my favorite store Debs. Then we went to this local bar that is the place you need to visit at least once if you come to Sioux Falls: JL Beers. Their burgers are amazing. And we watched the Chief's game. Sad they lost. But then he got to meet and hang out with some of my friends. More sexy time and then we watched my favorite movie Serenity and went to bed. Today, we had more sexy time and had lunch at Texas Roadhouse. My first time. It was delicious. Then he left. But we talked, laughed, and had so much fun together. Never had a connection with someone like this. It's great. Not to mention he's the best I've ever had with sexy times... :)
Only bad part is that he lives in Lincoln. Nearly 4 hours away. And I'm not sure I want to do a long distance relationship. And the topic never even came up, so I'm not going to worry about it right now. I'm hoping he'll invite me to Lincoln sometime soon so he can show me the ropes down there.
It was such a nice weekend.
Hope your guys' weekend was great, too!
Before I talk about today's shitiness, I want to recap this past week.
First off, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I know I did. I spent Tuesday-Sunday at home. Usually I get annoyed and frustrated being home that long, but not this time. No, I enjoyed every minute of it.
I was a bit spoiled this year in way of presents. I got a new set of tires and a few other car things done, clothes, a pair of ankle boots, a nice watch, Tangled, the books from the Game of Thrones series, A Kindle fucking Fire.
I hung out with some friends I haven't seen in awhile, which was nice, too.
Friday night, I went to a house party hoping to hang out with this guy F that I met at a wedding a year ago. I think I've talked about him before. He's super nice and cute. Well, I get to his house, and it's just us for awhile. I immediately notice I am not finding him as attractive as I once had. But we were just bullshitting when his brother came over with some other people. His brother, T, and I just hit it off right off the bat. I spent the night with him. He's a cutie. And my own age. WE have so much in common, and I feel so comfortable around him. He's attentive, and he knows how to hold a conversation well. It's great. We've been texting ever since, and we're talking about him staying a whole weekend with me sometime soon.
He invited me to a party he's hosting for new years (tonight) I declined. It's 3 and a half hours away from me, and I wanted to hopefully spend the night with Joe or friends or something.
Well, here's where it gets shitty.
I spent about an hour earlier today (like at 7) trying to get Joe to go out with me or at least let me see him. It doesn't work. He quits texting me for a long time. So I went and hung out with a couple friends and their parents. It was an alright time.
At about 11:30, I texted Joe then and said that I guessed we weren't hanging out anymore, and he apologizes and says he's strugglin and never knows what to do but he really did want to see me and he also had to sign another 6 month lease in the apartment that he hates. And I admited that I turned down going to Lincoln in the hopes of seeing him, and he told me that made him feel worse. I told him not to feel bad, it was my choice, and he said "but I do... i wish I could explain... I just want to feel ok being with you but I never feel like I can" I asked him how I was supposed to take that, that it made me feel terrible. He told me not to take it, to tell him to fuck off. I asked him if that's what he really wants for me to tell him to fuck off. But he said "no, not at all. Usually just trying to do what's best for you"
He told me his heart is broken, and I said not in the same way as mine. He said it was closer than I thought. I told him nothing I do ever seems good enough and it hurts. And he tells me I'm better than good enough. He's just terrible. That he was so sorry for everything I've ever felt because of him.
So I said: "What sucks is that you don't let me think for myself. and you don't believe me when I disagree. I never thought of you as a terrible person even after you broke up with me. I just don;t know what to think when I'm not here, you tell me you miss me and want to see me, but when I come back, it's like you don't want to see me."
He told me I was right but he always hates himself and doesn't know how to change it.
I told him to start listening to me. Believing me when I tell him he's not terrible. And if he still thinks he's being terrible, stop doing whatever it is that makes him feel that way.
He said he doesn't do anything... that what makes him feel most terrible.
I told him to do something then. Easier said than done. I know. Been there. But something needs to happen.
HE said he knows... he's trying... please believe him.
I do believe him. I've seen it. I know it's not easy for him.But I can't keep getting texts from him telling me to tell him to fuck off or that he doesn't feel okay being with me.
And all he says is I know.
So, I'm not sure what's going to happen between us.
All I know is that I'm oddly taking this all okay. I think it's because T has most of my attention right now, and I really want it to work out between us.
I hope you all had a better new years than I did.
It’s the last day in 2013.
It’s one of my favorite days of the year because I can look back through my life and see where I was at the beginning and replay the journey it took for me to get here. This year has been momentous to my growth as an individual. So many firsts, so many trips, so many laughs, so many tears. Ups and down. Like every other year. But this year, it really hit home that I am an adult, that I’m forging my own path.
Let’s take a look into the past.
January:
I started off the new year watching the Victoria Secret’s show with a group of friends.
Had a butterfinger’s for the first time
Went on a 14 hour roadtrip to Indiana with a very good friend for her music auditions, and then drove the 14 hours back never running out of things to talk about
Was compared to a barbie
February:
Had my first ever Valentine.
Received a rose from said Valentine.
My grandmother passed away
Had Quiznos for the first time.
March:
My first airplane ride
First time out of the Midwest
Went to Vegas
Hoola Hooped for the first time
First Gondola Ride
Gambled for the first time
April:
Brought Emily home with me.
Ordered pizza to my apartment for the first time
Ice-apocalypse!
Learned how to french-braid my own hair
May:
My very best friend came back from Korea
Had Cherry Berry for the first time ever
My friends all graduated college
Became a resident of South Dakota
The love of my life broke up with me
June:
Frisbee Golfed
Getting charlie horses like no other
July:
Left my job at the bank to pursue a new career path
Reconnected with some old friends
Dad and brother came up and spent the 4th with me.
August:
Ordered Jimmy Johns for the first time
All my friends started moving back to Sioux Falls
Brothers stayed with me for a weekend
Got Netflix!
September:
A close friend and I had a ‘close call’ at a bar
My mom got a part in a local play
My brother and I found a pair of pants where we could both fit into the pant legs.
October:
Had Trick-Or-Treaters for the first time
Had Apple Cider for the first time
Went from Blonde to Brunette for the first time in 5 years.
Got decent glasses that I can wear in public.
November:
Took an LSAT preptest just because. Scored average.
Thanksgiving
My birthday
Watched my mom’s play
Watched Dumbo for the first time
December:
Christmas
New Years
First Professional Massage
Met some amazing people
Won an award at work
As you can see, this year was a year of so many firsts! I met a lot of new people and strengthened old relationships from my past. What have I learned through all of this? You’re going to fuck up. You’re not going to know which path to choose. You’re going to fall flat on your face. But that’s okay. It won’t always be that way, and you have wonderful people around you to lift you back up onto your feet and lead you down the right path.
I am actually surprised because thinking back, I am always so enamored with my ex that when I think of a month, I can picture and go through everything we ever did together. But this list proves to me that my life isn’t all about him like I had led myself to believe. It is so much more than that.
