I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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I'm in shock right now. Really numb. One of my best friends' girlfriends killed herself this morning. My friend, Ali, texted me this morning when I was at work, and I just couldn't stay at work, pretending to be happy. So, I left 4 hours early. I'm at home now, doing laundry. Trying to stay busy. This is the saddest fucking news I have heard in a very long time.
I think something that is just as terrible as living through the ordeal is being the people who you tell who can't do a damn thing for you. I know I don't hurt as much as Ali does. I will never fully comprehend what it's like to have the love of your life commit suicide. She has to have all these doubts running through her head.
But, here I am. I have all these terrible things and feelings overcoming everyone important to me, and I just have to sit there, taking it all in, absorbing all of their pain, seeing how hurt and devastating it is, and I just have to watch. I can't do a damn thing.
I picture it as though I'm in a circle with all of my friends around me, and I'm in the middle, spinning, watching everyone blur by me. All I feel is pain, suffering, sadness. And, as I'm spinning, they're all crowding around me, suffocating me. I can't breath because I'm trapped with no way out. The only way out is if I burst through one of them, hurting them, which I'd never be able to do. Each individual person is an extension of me. Like an arm. Losing any one of them would hurt me more than anyone would ever know.
I'm getting to the point where I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. This isn't about me. I get that. I probably sound selfish. I mean, I'm not the one whose heart is in a million pieces. I'm not the one who has to try to sleep through the night and to wake up in the morning and try to find the motivation to get out of bed and go through my life, to go back to the way things were. To go to work, to smile, to laugh. To do all the things she will never be able to do anymore.
But, here I am, feeling about as worse off as anyone can feel, and I have to go about my life and do all those things. And because all of my friends are depressed and miserable and going through all of these terrible things, I feel like I should suffer with them. I don't think it's fair that I get to be happy and they don't. I'd trade my life for at least one of them to be able to be happy.
I went out with Joe last night, and everything was going really great, and we were in the car, and I asked him where he wanted to go, and he said I don't care. I asked if he wanted to come home with me, and he said he didn't care. Well, I told him I now have a roommate, but that shouldn't be a problem, and he's like, just take me home. Didn't want me to stay or anything. So, I texted him as I was driving home asking if it was a problem I had a roommate. And he's like, I wouldn't know where they'd sleep. And, I'm like, on my futon. Like, did he think they were sleeping with me? What the fuck. But, I was like, that's why I wanted to stay with you, and he's like, but it was weird when you left last time, and I was just like, why was it weird, I didn't think so. I can handle myself. I just want to be with you when I can. And he never responded. So, this morning I texted him and asked if I annoyed him when I texted him, and he just said that he hates texting. Which to me is a yes. I said back: I know, I just feel like I'm bothering you all the time. And he hasn't responded. It's been 4 hours. He's not working, it's his day off. So, I know he's not too busy to respond. He's just being a little shit. He just confuses the shit out of me and I don't know what to do about it. So, that was a great start to my now really shitty day.
Then, when I found out about my friend's ex, I told Nate (We'd been sexting up until I found out), the guy who wants to just be friends with benefits, and he was like, wow, I don't know what to say, and I was like, me neither. I don't know what to do, and he's like I don't know what to say anymore because I'm still in 'that mood'. And I'm like, well, I'm not. And he quit texting me after that. Like, really? You're not going to ask how my friend is or how I am holding up? Just going to not support me at all. Wow. Just wow.
I just feel useless, helpless, and weak. Like nothing I do will ever make anything right. Like, I'm unwanted and just a person who can't do anything. I'm just stuck in limbo.
One of my best friends just moved in with me. I have a small, one bedroom apartment, so he's going to be sleeping on the futon, and we'll be sharing everything else to make room, but I don't mind. I'm kind of glad to have the company. A part of me is going to miss the freedom of living alone, being able to walk around naked, doing whatever I want when I want, bringing guys over. Now, everything's going to be different. But, probably in a good way.
He starts his new job today, so we'll see how that goes. I have to work all day, which I'm not excited about. And, I work all day tomorrow, too. Joy. Oh, well.
So, Saturday night, Joe texts me and asks me if I was okay. I had a lot of facebook statuses and tweets about moving on and people appreciating my worth and stuff, and I think he thought I was talking about him. I kind of was with some of them, but not for most.
Thursday night, I had a guy who I have never actually met but been talking to for a year now, call me a bunch of terrible things. I have never been talked to like that. Ever. He was telling me I was a whore and that the only thing I had going for me was my big boobs and that I was immature and my statuses were a way to get attention and pity from people. And he was doing/saying all these terrible things because I wouldn't give him my number the day before. He asked me ten times for it, and I was really polite at first, and just told him I didn't give it to people I didn't know, and he was so persistent. He said I laughed at him... I never laughed at him, and I don't think I got any less polite about it either. We got in an argument though because he thinks it's okay to objectify women, and I don't. But whatever. Apparently, I deserved the berating I got.
So, anyway, I told Joe all of this. And then I asked to see him. A year ago Saturday, I confessed my feelings for him. It was a very important day to me, and I just needed to be with him. So, he met me at a bar that we frequent. He asked me more about the guy that said mean things to me, and we talked about it for a long time,and he asks me where this guy lives and if I want him to go kick his ass. I have never heard him talk like that before, and it made me feel so so so good. We talked about some other things, and I had so much fun. I think he could tell how bored I was of watching him gamble, because after a long while of gambling, he asked me to go play mega touch games where we could both do it. So, we did.
Joe left to go smoke, and I sat there waiting for him. While I was alone, a guy came up and asked me how I was doing. And I promptly told him I was with someone. Joe came back, and I told him not to leave me alone. I always feel bad turning guys down when they're trying to hit on me. I mean, it takes a lot of courage to do that, and I feel bad... Anyway, after a couple games, Joe goes and smokes again, and a really cute guy comes up and is like, "You look bored, I'm bored, we should hang out." I had to turn him down, too. And he's all cool about it and is talking to me about the music and whatnot before he left. hE was so cute. I kind of regret not talking to him more... But, I was with Joe, and I thought it'd be weird.
So, after we get done playing, we go outside, and it's pouring out. Joe smokes again, and we're the only ones in front of the building, so he pulls me into him and just holds me there. God, I've missed that. I always feel so safe with him. So, I'm driving him home, and he says something about how he'd invite me in if his sheets weren't dirty. And I just nodded thinking, that's odd, I didn't think he could invite me. I mean, just last week, I had to drop him off on the far side of the building so Rich wouldn't see me drop him off. But, I didn't say anything, dropped him off and left. I was a couple blocks away when he sends me a text like, "I understand why you don't want to spend the night. Have a good night." And I'm like, no, wait, when did you ask!? I want to stay. And he's like, no. For the best. And I sat in front of his apartment building for awhile before I just drove around in circles trying to get my way and for him to let me stay.
I got my way, and I slept over. I missed that so much, you have no idea. What I didn't miss, however, is that he turns his back to me, and doesn't really react when I touch him. Then when I stop touching him because I think he's not interested, he's like, that's it? Or like that night, he finally turned to me and started touching me. I just always feel worthless, useless, ignored when he does that.
And then after we had sex, He rolled his back to me again (He was in so much pain, and I think he's more comfortable that way, and he probably doesn't mean it any bad way. I doubt he even knows how upset it makes me) But, I told him I loved him, and he didn't respond, which I said it kind of quietly, so he might not have heard me. SO, I tried to take up as little space as possible because I was pissed about that and didn't really want to touch him. Plus, I wanted to give him plenty of space so he'd be more comfortable.
I woke up, and he just plays on his phone for like an hour. And he hates it when I do that... I reached for my phone and texted someone, and then he started touching me, like he didn't like it that I wasn't paying him attention or something, I don't know. But after awhile, we have sex again, and then we watched tv again, and I said to myself, if he turns his back to me, I'm leaving. And when he did, I told him I had to go. And, I did.
The tricky part was that Rich was in the living room, and I didn't really want to be seen. So, I waited until I heard him in the kitchen, which is right next to the living room, but easy enough for me to sneak by without being seen. So, I go, and there's a girl sitting on the couch, which startled me. But, I didn't stop. Just kept going. I looked back once, and I never saw him, so I think I'm home free!
Saw Joe at work on Sunday, and he left early because he was in so much pain. I feel so badly for the guy. But, at the golf course at work, I had a guy hit on me the whole shift and at the end he told me he was going to be at a local bar and invited me out. I turned him down because it was 9 and I had to work this morning and didn't want to be super tired.
I'm just not used to people hitting on me like that!
So, part of the night Saturday was great, but I realized the parts I don't miss. It was a weird combination.
How many of us girls look in the mirror and wish we had straighter noses, longer eyelashes, fuller lips, thinner waists, bigger boobs, gaps between our thighs? A lot of us. And how many of us have some of these attributes that others would kill to have? All of us. Each of us has an attribute someone else would love to have.
I get that. I do. And, I have a lot of those attributes. I have long eyelashes, full lips, big boobs, and nice curves to my body. I’m not stick thin, but I’m not obese, either. It took me 19 years to come to have some self confidence about my body. Growing up, I was always told that if I lost 30 pounds, I’d be better at sports, so I always just assumed I was fat because everyone else was smaller than me. Then, I had to listen to those that were super thin talk about how they were fat, and it made me feel like a whale. But, I couldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to bring attention to my fattiness. I am 5’6”, but, to me, this is short. Yes, I know it’s really the average, but when you are told that you needed to be 4 inches taller all the time, it makes you feel so small.
As a teenager especially, I had an image to uphold. I was the sweet, innocent, smart, intelligent, quiet, shy, young girl. I was a hard worker, a bit of a teacher’s pet, responsible, down to earth, mature. I was everything I was supposed to be. Someone told me to jump, I asked how high. It didn’t matter if I wanted to do it or not or if I even liked to do it. I just had to. There was no other option. You know that welcome mat you wipe your feet on when you walk through the door? I was that mat. As long as everyone else was happy, that was fine. I may not have been happy, but I was content. That meant no one else was unhappy, no one would be angry, disappointed or be yelling.
Basically, I had no self confidence. At all. In anything, which is probably why I never had a boyfriend in high school. No one ever hit on me or called me pretty, so I started to believe it was true. My mom, her friends, and my grandma would tell me I was so beautiful and that guys should be flocking to get to me. But, that’s just something moms and grandmas are supposed to tell their daughters.They aren’t going to tell me that I’m ugly and hideous. I watched my best friend get used and cheated on by the boy she so desperately loved. And, I guess that jaded me a bit.
I have had four boyfriends. Two cheated on me and left me for other women they eventually married. I broke up with one for being too clingy and kind of a dick to me and my family, and he is going to marry the girl he dated after me. What did these three teach me? They only wanted to use me for a bit and then they’ll get tired of me when they find someone better. I never feel like someone’s first choice. I’m always second best. Throughout all of that, I saw some guys that wanted my body but not actually date me. So, that made me believe that there is something wrong with me. That I’m just not good enough for anyone. And when I finally put my whole heart and soul and very being into a relationship like I did with the fourth boyfriend, he broke up with me telling me I deserved better. So, not even my best is good enough. He was the one who made me feel good enough, but I just was left feeling unwanted and hurt.
These guys have told me countless times that they thought I was beautiful and amazing, but I don’t believe it. I just feel like they are telling me what I want to hear. I truly do not believe I’m pretty. Not compared to a lot of women out there. And, I know I should never compare myself to others, but it’s hard not to.
It wasn’t until I was 19, when my college roommate told me she thought my body was what people should look like, what the average was, that I thought maybe I wasn’t as obese as I had once thought. Since then, I have started to slowly accept myself for who I am. I am more confident in my body and in my image and who I am than I have ever been. And, I think that’s starting to show through.
Recently, I have been getting hit on on a semi regular basis, and this has started making me think about that. These random guys have the choice to hit on anyone they wanted. And they chose me. They don’t need to necessarily tell me what I want to hear because if I don’t like them, they can go take a pick from all the other women in the bar. But they chose me. I have to shoot them down every time, but it has started to get me thinking that maybe I’m not as ugly a duckling as maybe I once thought, and this thinking is so different from the twenty-some years of negativity I had been experiencing.
I love the new found confidence and the higher self esteem. It’s coming to me slowly but surely as I start to like my body more and more. I just have to take it one day at a time.
Love. It has the sneakiest habit of hitting you when you least expect with a force more powerful than you ever thought possible. You can try to build a wall and block it out. You can try to reinforce that wall by using barriers. But, love is like a tank. It’ll crush anything standing in its way and strip you bare so that you feel vulnerable and naked. Weak and hopeless to do anything about it. You are its slave. Forever and for always.
Fairy tales make it out to be something wonderful, something magical. We can be battered and broken, and love will rescue us. Fights, hurtful words, and the worst betrayals can be forgiven with the power of love. Things might go wrong, but they are fixable with the glue that is love. These childhood, Disney classics paints love as the bond that fixes anything, can make everything better and wonderful. What it doesn’t touch on is the fact that as wonderful as love can make you feel, it can break you harder than you ever thought possible.
Fallen, beaten, broken, battered, and wounded, you try to claw your way back to the surface from the pit in which love has thrown you. It seems hopeless at first, as though the light at the end of the tunnel was a lie invented by someone to make people who don’t know what this feeling is like feel better about themselves. The tunnel is so black and has so many turns, you wonder if you’ll ever escape the darkness.
The whole idea is very dramatic. If you’ve never felt a love so strong and powerful it changes your very being, you probably think I’m crazy. It’s okay; I am crazy. That’s what love does. But, don’t feel badly if you’ve never felt this life changing thing. It wasn’t too long ago that I felt the same way.
I am trying to write a story, and this is a piece from the beginning of it.
