I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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So, Nathan and I have been texting a lot. Been talking about meeting up for sex. Actually, all we've really talked about is all the things we want to do sexually.
We were going to hang out last night, but I ended up hanging with some friends and it didn't work out. Joe and I were texting, and he asked me how I was doing. He never asks me that, so I was like, I'm fine, thanks for asking. And he thought I was being sarcastic and was mad. And I'm like, dude, you never ask me that, so I'm being polite and thanking you for asking me sincerely. He's like, "I'm sorry... I do care and wonder... just not good about asking." I told him I wasn't worried about it, and then he told me he missed me. We haven't seen each other in over a week. He said: "I just do really miss you... half the time I don't call/text you I just don't know how because I haven't in awhile.
And I wanted to be like, dude, what the fuck? I mean, just ask me what I'm doing, how I'm doing, tell me about your day. Pick up the god damn phone and talk to me. It's not that damn hard. I told him to do what I do when I text him and ask him what's new. He's just like, ok. Then he's like, I wish I could see you. And I'm like you can. Use your fucking words and just ask to see me! So, he's like, I'm at the bar, and because he wasn't going to ask me there, I asked if he wanted me to come over, and he's like k. K? Really? Really.
So, when I get there, he's done and is like, I'm ready to go, so we're sitting outside, and he lights a cigarette and asks me about my job, my brothers. And he listens and seemed to care about what I was saying. It has been a long time since I had talked about myself with him. As sad as that is.
We get into my car, and he said he can't go home with me, so he tells me to just drive around. SO, I drive us into the country where we pull over and have sex and the whole time he's telling me how much he missed me. But, afterwards, we sit there and stare up at the stars and he points out the constellations to me. And, that was the first time I'd ever actually seen the big dipper. I don't do constellations very well. Hard for me to connect the dots. Then I drove him home, and we held hands the whole way.
He wanted me to drop him off on the far end of the apartment complex so it looked like he walked back from the bar (he walked there, and it's only a block away) so that Rich doesn't see me dropping him off and make a big deal out of nothing again. Joe apologized for making me drop him off there and told me he didn't want me to think he was ashamed of me. I know he's not. I understand he's just trying to protect himself. He's trying to create as little drama as possible. But before he got out, he pulls me in for the biggest hug and he tells me he loves me before he gets out.
Driving home, I was like, I can't be friends with benefits with Nathan while I'm still so attached to Joe. I know the friends with benefits isn't healthy, and I shouldn't be doing two guys at once. Nathan is REALLY good, but I had to let him go. If he doesn't see a future with me, I see no point in prolonging the inevitable. Instead of going our seperate ways on his terms, I decided to do it on mine.
So, I told him I couldn't do it, and he took it really well, and he's actually still talking to me. We don't really have anything to talk about anymore, though. Because 98% of our conversations were about sex. But, it's better this way.
This is a good step towards protecting myself. My friends say I need to be more selfish in regards to me and my feelings. And this was a step in that direction.
So, remember Nathan? Ya, well, things had been going well. We've hung out a couple times. Done some stuff. Were planning on going on a date Wednesday, that we ended up not going on because he hadn't felt well.
Then, today he tells me he doesn't have romantic feelings for me, but he still wants to talk and have sex. He wants to be friends with benefits.
God damnit.
Like, I'm flattered as fuck that I'm so good at sex that all these guys want to be friends with benefits. But, what's wrong with me as a person that they don't want the whole package?
First Joe, then Dylan, Dick Pix Joe, and now Nathan.
Feeling pretty shitty right now.
When people care about me, it amazes the shit out of me. Like, if I mentioned that I was going to do something, and you remember it days later and ask me about it, I want to hug you.
When people who aren't my closest friends or family show me kindness, remember things about me, or care about me and genuinely want the best for me, I freak out on the inside.
I'm so used to being used and walked away from that I just want to squeal when people are so awesome.
Why do I have such a need to correct people's generalizations no matter how small? I hate it so much when people generalize. Like, guys are stupid. Dude, PEOPLE are stupid. Women are not exempt from being stupid. Or better yet, just say that specific person is dumb, not that all men are or all people because, hey, people can be smart, too. Not all guys are stupid. I know a lot of highly intelligent ones.
Someone said most bosses are assholes, and I resisted the urge to jump on that. I have never had a boss I didn't like. A lot of bosses are very understanding of their coworkers. Of course there are going to be those that are actually assholes. But that doesn't mean you have to discriminate against all bosses.
It's not nice to generalize. I don't like being in one of those generalizations, so I try not to do it so others don't have to feel that way, too.
I just don't understand why some people can't be more careful and mindful of what they are saying.
There isn't one person I'm aiming this at. If you're reading this, chances are you've done. Hell, I've done it. I used to do it all the time. But, I realize how terrible it is to do so, so I've tried to stop. It's a hard habit to break, so I can understand, but I will say something if I see you do it.
Is that wrong of me?
I have read plenty of books, heard plenty of songs, listened to many tales, saw many examples of first love. First love is magical, surreal, special, amazing, and wondrous. All the songs make sense. They can do no wrong. Or, the wrong they do is easily forgiven and second chances (and third, fourth, fifth, so on) are given.
I have experienced this love. A love so intense, I forgave everything and anything. He said jump, I asked how high. I did anything he asked, and I enjoyed it. I found faults aplenty, but that was why I loved him. I loved him despite all the things he hated about himself. I accepted him. We had our fights and arguments, but I never felt as though he didn’t care about me.
Honestly, I cannot convey properly how he made me feel, how desperately in love with him I was. And still am.
My first love has depression, and he goes through periods of wanting nothing more than to be alone, to die, to suffer for all his wrongdoings. And, I could do nothing but stand back and watch. I was there if he needed me, but more often than not, I was pushed away. And, as much as that hurt, I was okay with that because I understand that some people need alone time. And I was willing to give him the space he needed, even if that meant not seeing him more than once every couple weeks. I tried to limit my texting to only once a day so as to not annoy him, but I wanted to make sure he was still alive, that he hadn’t done what he had threatened to do. I got up at 3 in the morning to go lay with him and hold him when he asked. I was there when he needed me. It didn’t matter that I had to be at work at 7. Our age difference and generation gap was hard sometimes, but it never bothered me. I was with someone on my maturity level, and I loved it. I made every effort to get into the things he was into so we’d have more in common. I got along well with his friends and roommates. I put my whole heart and soul into a relationship that would change me in more ways than one.
After 10 months, he broke up with me because he said I deserved better, that I’d be able to find someone to make me happier than he could. To anyone’s ears, it sounds like a line he was feeding me, fake. But, I know he truly meant it.
To be honest, I agree with him. I do deserve someone who can give me the time I need, someone who is there for me when I need them, someone who I can talk to and wants to get to know me, to learn more about me. Someone whose shoulder I can cry on.
But, even though we broke up in May, we still hang out and talk. I have not been given time to move on, and I haven’t at all. I thought I did. I thought I would be okay to talk to him and act like nothing’s changed. But, I still love him so very much.
I can’t wait for him. I can’t get back together knowing my parents and friends hate him. I can’t be with him if he doesn’t change. I can’t put my life on hold for him, as much as I want to. I like the arrangement I’m in because he’s still in my life.
But, now, a really great guy has practically fallen into my lap. He’s funny and wants to get to know me. He texts me first, he wants to be with me, and he wants to know more about me. I know without a doubt that if we started dating, he’d make me happy. And, I do like him.
However, I still love my first love so much so that I don’t know if I want to get with this new guy. What if my first love decides he wants to be with me? Do I want to give him another chance? Do I risk losing a guy I could be happy with to be with someone who stresses me out but who I love wholeheartedly and probably always will for the rest of my life.
I know I need to cut my first love out of my life so I can have a chance to heal and move on. But, I can’t cut him out of my life. I really can’t do it. It would be like losing a part of myself, and I’m not sure I’m ready to do that.
I’ve never felt so lost as to what to do.
