I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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So, my friends all graduated yesterday. Thursday, we all went and hung out at falls park. It's one of the prettiest places in the city, I think. We took lots of pictures. And just enjoyed each others' company.
Then Joe texts me Friday night, the first time he's said anything since our night together on Tuesday, and tells me he hopes I had a good night. He was thinking about me, and just wanted to let me know that. And this morning, he liked one of my statuses on Facebook. He's NEVER 'liked' one thing of mine on Facebook. But, I just don't understand why he does these cute, nice things to me now when we're not together, but he never did that when we were together.
And, my coworker's husband still swears he never said anything to anyone, and that Joe's making it up. The husband went and talked to the guy that supposedly tattled, and that guy has no clue what's going on. So, someone's lying. I don't know if it's Joe or if Joe was misinformed? I mean, I can't figure out what Joe would have to gain from lying about it. He didn't use work finding out as an excuse to break up with me....
But anyway, my friends all graduated last night, and I spent as much time with them as I could before they all left. I'm sad but happy for them at the same time.
Here's me at the graduation. Shitty quality. Sorry.
So, Joe texted me last night to tell me he agreed with a post my mom posted on my facebook:
Thinking of you today & wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Just remember you mean the world to alot of people. Dont let ANYONE make you feel less than you are! You are a beautiful, caring young lady who deserves to feel that way every day. I love you!
And he said he was sorry if he ever made me feel that way and he apologized for facebook stalking me now, which I don't mind and I told him as much.
I asked him if he was doing any better and he said no, and I told him I was the same, and then he asked if I was home because he wanted to come talk to me but that it might be a bad idea. I said I didn't mind and then he came over.
Before he came over, I was freaking out. I was so nervous. I was scared he'd ask me to come back and that I'd say yes. I knew I'd cave. But my friend told me to be strong and gave me some really great advice.
Joe got there and then just reiterated everything he had said in his texts and over the phone. That he still loved and cared about me. So much so that he couldn't hold me back. That in a couple years, I'll have on facebook that some guy is making me very happy, and he'll be alone, watching. He said that I was just another of the people he's hurt in his life. He also said that he has no one to talk to about all this. No one wants to listen anymore.
I was proud that I didn't cry once. I teared a bit a couple times, but nothing too bad. Then he apologized again and lifted me up so that we were hugging. And then he pulled on top of him so I was straddling him. He asked if it was crossing the line if he kissed me. I said no, and we made out for awhile.
He asked me what I was thinking about. And I told him nothing, and he gets made when I say that because he thinks I'm just holding back what I really want to say. But, the truth is I was just taking everything in and enjoying being with him in that moment.
Then he said he had to go, and he got up and I walked him to the door. He pulled me in for another hug, and we started making out again, and he told me he wanted to jump in bed with me, but he was too confused and vulnerable. And that it would probably make it harder for me if we did that, but I told him I didn't mind, that I wouldn't stop him from doing what he wanted, and he told me by doing it, nothing would change. But I was okay with that. We got a little hot and heavy, but then he pulled away, kissed my forehead and left.
I almost started crying. I mean, he didn't even say goodbye. I had no clue what he was thinking. And he was right. I was very vulnerable. But, then, there was a knock on my door, and when I opened it, he was standing there. He came inside, pushed me up against the wall and things went amazing from there. He left right after, and I haven't heard from him since.
I am oddly okay with all of this. I don't hurt because of it. I don't think he used me. The talk we had only confirmed what I already thought. I'm not confused about us or anything. The hurt and pain is going away.
And today, my dad came up. The car I have been driving has been in my dad's name, but today, he signed the title over to me. It is now in my name, and I finally got a South Dakota license and new plates for my car. Looks like South Dakota will be my home for awhile.
It was so nice to have my dad come up here. He always knows how to make me feel better.
As the title says, I am not doing well right now. At all.
I feel like crying every time I think about Joe. And not necessarily because we broke up. I mean, yes, that is a big part of it. But, I always knew it was coming. What I am most upset about is that he's doing this for me so that I'll be happy. He's sacrificing his own happiness to make sure I get better than him. He told me last night that everyone he's ever dated married the person they dated after Joe. But that doesn't make me feel any better. I wanted him.
So, now I just am completely numb to everything except the tears when they just spring up.
I worked at the golf course with Joe last night. He wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. I texted him after work and he told me it was hard to even look at me. It is just so awkward. I don't know if I want to keep working there if this will continue.
I just don't know what to do.
My appetite is gone. It is 9:02 Sunday morning. And I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday. I have no ambition to do anything right now other than get dressed for work and then do my job. But, anytime I have to stop the golf cart and wait for players to get done on the greens or whatever, I just start spacing off, and they have to get my attention. That is unacceptable.
So, ya. That's where I am right now.
