I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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I need help. I don't know what to do. What to feel right now.
I'm not sure what I've all said lately about Joe and our problems. I'll kind of summarize.
In Vegas, he was telling me how we have nothing in common other than liking each other, and he wasn't sure that was enough. Then he was saying how I don't really know him. When I asked him why he said that, he was just like, because I'm not sure you do. So, he won't really elaborate on either.
So, when I got back from Vegas, Joe picked us up and dropped me off first, and before yesterday, that was all I saw of him since I got back from Vegas. I wanted to hang out with him Saturday night, but he had a guys night, which was fine. Not a big deal, but then when he was texting me about wanting to hurt himself and whatever, I wanted to come over, and he asked what the difference me being there would make. So, I dropped it and went to bed. But, then I wanted to see him sunday, and he was hanging out with Annie, the girl who is in love with him. That does bother me. Not because of who he was hanging out, but because he didn't make any effort to see me when I got back. It's like he never even missed me.
Then, last night, I'm driving the two of us back to his place, and we're talking about how we have nothing in common. And I'm saying yes we do, sports, our views on equality, video games, things like that. I take interest in everything he does. And he sees that, but he was saying that he has to know everything. If he sees something he doesn't know about or understand, he'll go read up on it so he can understand it. He was saying that I'm so inexperienced with the world and he's experienced so much more than me. So, I don't have a viewpoint on a lot of things.
What this made me think was that he feels like he's so much smarter than me and he's getting annoyed of either explaining everything to me or he's annoyed I can't keep up. Of course, he didn't say that, but that's just how I'm taking it. It's actually my biggest insecurity. I feel like everyone is smarter and more experienced in everything than I am. Always have. It's never been a problem before, though.
And he was like, most of the time, I find it endearing and refreshing. So I asked what the problem was, and he was just saying that so we knew about the rift between us. Well, hello! Of course I knew about it. I knew about it from before we started seeing each other.
He kept telling me to forget he said anything because he was drunk, and I replied with drunk words are sober thoughts. But, he didn't respond.
We didn't really know what to say after that, so we just went into the apartment. But, I was really upset about it. I told everyone at work and all my friends and everyone is saying to dump him. Loving me should be enough. And everyone has different experiences from everyone else, and if it isn't a problem, I don't understand what he's getting at.
I'm sending him a text right now telling him I need to know that he wants to be with me. I need to know if what we were talking about last night will be a problem. He's obviously been thinking about it for awhile, and he can't say he was saying it just because he was drunk because if it wasn't a problem, he wouldn't have brought it up. I love him, and that's enough for me to stay, but I don't know if he feels the same. Then I'm gonna ask if he even missed me while I was gone because he didn't seem to really want to see me. I'm just really confused about where we stand.
I was talking with a coworker today about how everyone I know has depression and are talking about suicide and whatnot. Then we were just talking about people we knew who had committed suicide. And she was saying how it really bothers her when people joke about killing themselves, like when they say, "If my mom won't buy me that shirt, I'd rather die." Or other such statements.
And while I agree, I don't hear things like that all that often. What I hear more of is people joking about being depressed.
Just stop it.
If you aren't fucking depressed, then quit saying you are when you're sad you didn't get to see a movie this weekend that you wanted, or if you didn't get to hang out with your friends like you had planned. You aren't depressed, so quit joking about. If you're sad or upset about something, than say you were sad. Not everything that is sad makes you depressed.
Depression isn't a joke.
No more than suicide is.
So, I'm finally back from Vegas after a mishap where we missed our flight. Poopsie Whoopsie. We thought we came back Saturday, when in fact we were supposed to go home Friday. But, we didn't catch that until 1:30 am Saturday morning when we were trying to print off our tickets and check in.
So, then we were freaking out and were just gonna wake up and leave at check out at noon and then grab tickets at the airport. But, then we didn't want to risk them not having 3 tickets for us. And a good thing we didn't do that because we would have missed their only flight, which was at 11, and they didn't have any flights going out on Sunday, so we would have been stuck until Monday, making two of us miss work.
Then when we were trying to order our tickets online, the internet quit working on one half of the room, and my computer never did pick it up on the other half, and my friends' computers wouldn't work for me. One of them would never process and the other didn't like my address for some reason. SO, I had to call my boyfriend at 2 in the morning and ask him to order my ticket for me.
The part that sucks is that my ticket WAS $50 more expensive than my friends'. And it sucks because this trip was going to be pretty inexpensive for me. Well, not any more! Ugh.
And then, the last two nights in Vegas, my friend Em, who's been battling depression pretty badly for over a year and a half now and who was just in the hospital for talking about suicide, was telling me how she wanted to die and kill herself because she's so forgettable.
Then last night, at 2 in the morning, Joe texts me saying he wants to hurt himself and doesn't want to be here either.
Everyone I know is either depressed or has been at one time. I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I mean, I'm glad they are confiding in me. I don't know if they think I help or why they are only telling me these things. I have never been depressed. I'm so far in the opposite direction of depression. I'm happy all the time. So, not sure why I gravitate towards people that need help.
Someone once told me that maybe I'm in their lives because I'm meant to help them. But, I don't know how or if I even am. I don't think so. I try, but I doubt it.
I just can't handle this. What if one day, they are texting me how they want to die, and I try to make them see reason, that they are loved and unforgettable, but they go through with it and commit suicide. I would never be able to come back from that. I would blame myself. Hell, I blamed myself pretty badly when Em went to the hospital for talking about suicide. If she were to die, I wouldn't be coming back from that, and I know it.
It's just getting a lot harder to handle. My nerves are shot because every time, I'm worried that when I wake up in the morning, that's the day I'm gonna get the call.
Hi from Vegas! Tonight is my last night, however. We go home tomorrow.
Win and I had a great time with our friends.
Gambled and won some money.
Went on a Gondola ride.
Visited all the big casinos and hotels.
When we went shopping, the guy I bought this dress from said I look 12. Well, do I look 12 now?
I'm in Vegas, guys! I'm having sooooo much fun! We haven't even done anything, yet, either. But, I was on my first airplane ride, and it was so amazing! I'll update you on what we actually do when we start actually doing stuff!
Joe spent the night at my apartment two nights ago, the night before our Vegas trip because he had to take us to the airport. And I feel so badly because he was so miserable. First he was too hot, so we open and window and turn on a fan. Then he got too cold. He says my phone kept going off from texts all morning, but I don't remember that actually happening until the afternoon. We spent the morning packing and he was listing off places to go and what we should do and suggesting all sorts of stuff, then he showed me LEt's Make a Deal because his aunts got on it. Then, he started to take a nap, and I was bored, and was texting and still packing and shit, and he's like, "Just call them." And I didn't want to do that because what we were talking about wasn't really important to merit a phone call. So, he goes out into the living room to nap on the futon, so I turn on my Xbox and play Call of Duty, and I have the volume really low. And I'm cracking walnuts and such, but I didn't think I was being really loud. He ends up coming back into the room, and after awhile I just turn everything off and put everything away and just lay there with him. Bored.
I thought I was being considerate. I mean, for a half an hour, I laid there doing nothing. I don't take naps, and I didn't want to wake him up. And last night, he took so much of the bed, and I had to sleep with barely any room, and when I sleep, I sprawl, so I gave up my own comfort to try and make it easier for him.
Well, as we were texting last night, he tells me he wants me to bet for him, but I need to place it by noon today. And I told him no guarantees because my friends sleep in about as late as he does, and he freaked out saying he didn't really sleep in. And I was like, I just meant I'm up before you every time. And then we get in an argument via text about how I was being so loud and inconsiderate this morning by texting and playing COD. I apologized at least five times, and he's like, I'm over it now, but sometimes we're on different pages/planets and I don't know what to do about it. I was like, talk to me. I don't get hints well at all. And he's like, I don't know if talking will help. So, I just went: oh... And he's like nevermind. What the hell? I replied with ok, and he's like, now you're mad at me. I just want to shake him. I wasn't mad, I felt really shitty about myself. But, he's the one that made me feel that way about myself. Jesus.
Sometimes, he just pisses me off. He put me in such a foul mood last night. But, I refuse to let him get to me. I'm in Vegas, bitches! :)
Hope your weekend is going well!
