I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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Where Else to Find ME | Anime/Maga List | Non-Anime TV Shows | The Men in My Harem
So, remember my friend Dyl who is my best friend and was talking about exchanging nudie pics with me? Well, now he wants to watch porn with me... and do stuff.....
Ugh. Why does he have to do this to our friendship?
I went to supper with my dad and uncle. We usually meet at the halfway point from where I live and where they live. It's about an hour away. Not that that is important.
Now that I'm not in school, my loans are all gonna be coming due real quickly. And, I've been trying to figure out a good payment plan. Well, when we arrive at the restaurant, my uncle takes out the paper and is going over the interest rates and payment options and stuff with me. My dad isn't saying anything, which looking back is a little weird, but I didn't notice at the time. Then the waitress lady comes over to take our order, and he hands me the papers like we're done talking about it for awhile. I see some writing and figures on the bottom portion I hadn't been able to see before, and I see that it said paid in full.
My uncle paid off all three of my loans. I have no loans now. Nothing. Nada.
He said it's my inheritance. (He's setting up his will and all that right now.)
I have never just been handed a way out of a problem.
I'm still processing everything.
So very thankful right now.
So, last night, I went drinking with Joe and his friends. God, I had a blast. I got a little drunk. Not smashed, but enough where I was a lot bolder with what I said. But, anyway, I had a really great time hanging out. We had to walk five blocks back to the apartment from the bar, and Joe and I had a cute little race thing going on. It was fun. Chad, Joe's other roommate was giving us a hard time saying we were making out and flirting and shit. But, there was no making out. LOL.
Rich was a little weird last night. At one point, he told me I had nice cleavage going on and that he liked boobs, and mine were really nice tonight. Then I had to drop Rich's sister's boyfriend off at Rich's parents, and I made the comment that now I know where every one of his family members live, and he's like, you gonna start stalking me? And, I was like, maybe? And he was like, I'll probably like it.
Then, we were all sitting around the table, minus Joe and one of the guys. And this waiter that we all know is coming up and talking to us about our day off tomorrow and if we were all gonna get smashed, and he was talking about how everyone weren't bachelors. Rich and Chad are the only ones not with a significant other, and Rich's like, Joe's a bachelor. And, I was like, excuse me, no he isn't. We're together, and the waiter guy was on my side and was like, if he's got a gf, he's not a bachelor, and Rich kept arguing, wanting to start something. I was gonna get a little mad, but Chad was like, let it go. He doesn't mean anything by it. But, I think he did, but I just don't know what.
Fast forward like 4 hours, and Joe and I are laying in bed. I don't know what brought up the topic, but he asked me what my friends thought of him. And, I was like, they just tell me to do what I think is right and what makes me happiest, which isn't a lie. And he's like, really? They don't tell you I suck. And, because I'd had a few to drink, I was like, not it those words. And I told him they thought I deserved better. And I think we talked a little bit about it, and I kept saying I wish I hadn't brought it up because I didn't want him to push me away or to be mad at me, but then we did 'it' and we were ok.
This afternoon, we were laying in bed again, and he wanted to talk about last night's conversation again, and I was honest and told him my friends weren't completely in love with him because he made me cry, wasn't supportive when I needed him to be, and that he makes me stressed (I used three weekends ago with the whole RIch thing as an example of said stress). But, my main thing is that his friends love me because they see me and interact with me. They've gotten to know me. My friends only ever hear about Joe. They've never really hung out with him.
Well, then he tells me that every time he's asked me what my friends were doing, he was wanting to hang out with them. Or, I tell him after the fact that I hung out with them or as I'm doing it. And he's wanted the chances. He'd never seemed that interested, so I'd quit asking. But, at least he wants to try.
He said probably the sweetest, most accurate description of me anyone has ever done. He said,
You're sweet and kind. You get excited over little things, and that's infectious. People want to be around you because you're fun and it rubs off. But, you're naive about a lot of things because you haven't experienced a whole lot, yet. And that makes people want to protect you.
We also talked about what makes him unhappy. And you know how when people talk about shit that no one really cares about, but you pretend to care about it? Like, small talk? Joe hates small talk, and he's sick and tired of faking the fact that he cares. He just wants people to leave him alone.
And, I was telling him I wanted him to be happy, that I wanted to make him happy. I want to help him get better. But, I don't know how. And he was like, what's happy? Better at what? Help what? And I didn't really know what to say because I thought it was a rhetorical statement if anything. And, I was just like, You don't seem happy with your life, and I wish you could be. And he was like, are you happy with yours?
And, I was like, yes! I love my life. I'm happy 98% of the time. Sure, not everything goes my way. I don't have everything I've ever wanted, but I make the most out of what I have. And if I have something negative in my life, I cut it out. And he's like, what if it's people. I just don't want to be around people. So, I told him to stop being around people. And he was like, but when I do that, they all have to come to my rescue. So, I told him that it was only because it's different than what everyone is used to. It's not the norm.
He changed the topic to the dust on the ceiling after that, so that was all we got to talk about. Sigh. All I could think was, god I love you, but I almost wish you'd break up with me and save us both the heartache that I know will be coming in the future, and that's not healthy for a relationship at all.
Fuck.
It all started Friday at work. My last customer at the bank was being difficult and screwed something up and was telling me I was wrong and didn't know how to do my job and that I didn't understand the processing process of the work. This woman was clearly in the wrong. My two managers had to get involved and the lady still didn't believe us.
I was stressed out anyway. From a little things. Those few weekends ago when the whole thing between Rich, Joe, and I happened started this whole thing. I haven't felt not stressed since then really. Well, this lady made me so frustrated, so angry. I hadn't been that angry in a very long time. And it was over something stupid.
I realized something. I don't process anger very well anymore. Sure, I've been mad or upset, but I haven't been angry in years. And when I get that worked up over something, every negative emotion I've been holding in and building up comes out and I can't stop it. There is nothing that I can do about it.
I was hanging out with two of my best friends, and I was just super crabby all night. I am usually so good at putting on my smile and pretending everything's ok. And I'll eventually just believe everything really is ok. But not Friday night. No, I just wanted to cry. I just feel off. Not right.
My friends eventually got me in a better mood, but then Saturday I was supposed to go hang out at a coworker's house and have a glee marathon and sleep over. I didn't want to go. But, I can't say no. At all. To anyone.I have to be super mega close and comfortable with someone in order for me to be able to tell someone no, I don't really want to do that. My family and only 3 of my closest friends am I able to actually say no.
Last night, my coworker gave me some Ambien. And it made me feel drunk even though I hadn't had much to drink. I was texting one of my best friends and telling him about my problem of saying no. I didn't want that pill she gave me, but because I couldn't say no, I took it.
I am a people pleaser. I want to put other people's feelings before my own. I want to be everyone's friend. I have never had anyone hate me before, and if I think someone doesn't like me, I'll do whatever I can to make them like me. I'm afraid of disappointing people. SO, when people want to do things, I don't want to make them feel disappointed, sad, upset, etc so I just agree to do it. Even if I really do not want to do it. I normally don't mind just going along with the flow. I'll do whatever. I'm a follower. It's why no matter how badly Joe hurts me, I'll never be the one to break up with him. I have no back bone.
Joe says that makes me a better person than most people.
I don't see it that way. I see it as me being a doormat. And I want to change.
I want to change a lot. I just am not sure how to do it yet. I know I just need to start sticking up for myself, to just put my foot down, take a leap of faith and know that my friends will still be my friends. It's just hard. But, I know I can do it. I just have to want it badly enough.
And I do.
