I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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I am doing much better now, guys. Thanks for putting up with all my crap.
I just want to say that without Joe, I would not be as well off as I am right now. He has been such a rock through the past week. He was always texting me and asking if I was ok, inviting me over to keep me from being alone. He called me right after I found out about my friend being in the hospital and he calmed me down. Told me I was still a good friend, that I've done everything I could do, that I've been supportive, and that's all I really need to do for her. Then when he saw me after my weekend of being back in Nebraska and not seeing him for about 4 days, the first thing he did was pull me into a hug. I really needed that. He just always seemed to know exactly what to do for me. I owe him so much for that.
And, I want to thank you guys for helping me. I really appreciate it. I wouldn't be in as good of a place without you all.
So, after last weekend, I told you that Joe and I worked everything out. WELL, joe texted me on Frriday and asked if it would make me uncomfortable if he hung out with Annie this weekend and he told me to be honest. I told I wasnkt completely in love with the idea, but that I trusted him. Well, he's like, I'll just quit talking and hanging out with her since you don't feel comfortable with it. She's his best friend. I don't want him to lose his best friend. Well, then she texted him and said she might have cancer. I told him to respond, that she needs him through all this. He's being stubborn and won't contact her.
So now I feel terrible about that. I made him lose his best friend. And he doesn't have very many people he goes out with.
Then Sunday I found out my best friend is in the hospital for observation because she told her professor she had a suicide all planned out. And I feel like a bad friend because I noticed signs about herr not being herself before all this happened. Maybe if I had done or said something, nothing would have happened. Sigh.
I just haven't felt good about myself in two weeks.
So, I was talking to my coworkers about the whole Joe situation from this weekend. And, I've talked to my friends and one of my brothers. Everyone basically thinks I shouldn't be with Joe. Or, at the very least, I should quit hanging out with his friends to avoid making things weird with Rich.
I mean, Rich is a nice guy. But, I knew before Joe and I started dating that he liked me. I chose Joe. I'll still choose Joe. Nothing against Rich. I know he'd treat me well and do everything for me. But, I just don't return his feelings. I mean, he was telling me about how he liked me so much while he is dating some other girl.
I know why everyone says I shouldn't be with Joe. I see it. I really do. But, I love him. And I know that can't be enough of a reason and it sounds childish even to my ears. But, I want to help him be happy. He cares about me and does all that he can for me the best way that he can. It's hard on him, too. His life is more messed up than mine. Not to make excuses, because there is no excuse for the way he's treated me. BUt, I can just understand is all.
It probably doesn't help that he's my first love. First guy I've had sex with and opened myself up to wholeheartedly. It just seems a waste to let it all go because we have a few rough patches. I'm hoping therapy with help with everything. But, this is really his last chance. My friends are all holding me to it.
And after everything that transpired this weekend, I was going to quit texting him and see if contacts me first, which he did. Last night he asked me how I was doing and that I didn't seem to be ok. But, how does he expect me to be okay after everything I was told this weekend. He had texted me Sunday about he was upset about everything. Not at me, but at Rich for making up some of the stuff he did and the way he went about telling me what he did. But, I should be the one who's upset the most, right? I mean, he hid some important info from me. But, he did realize that I am the one who should be mad, because he gave me an out, saying if I didn't want to talk or see him again, he'd understand.
Then he told me when we hang out again that I'll probably get a 'talking to' or be talked about. And I know that'll happen. But, I'll just be honest and open about everything. I still want to be friends with Richard. But, Joe comes first, and he has to understand that. But, I had talked to Rich via text the night before and told him Joe and I had talked things out and were doing ok, and he actually seemed ok with it. Of course, it's hard to tell via text what a person is really feeling.
The one good thing in this whole situation is that Joe, who doesn't get jealous, is really bothered by the fact that Rich contacted me again the other night and that he's said he likes me. So, I'm hoping he'll cherish me more. WE seem to be doing better and communicating more now.
He texted me this morning to ask how I was doing since I found out about my gma's death and asked if there's anything he could do. I'm going to go to bowling with the guys (Rich, Joe, their other roommate, Rich's brother in law, and another friend-who I don't know if he knows everything that happened this weekend.) tonight, like I do every week, and hope it'll take my mind off of things. I just think it's going to be weird because all of us are going to have to act like nothing happened. Kinda nervous on how to act.
Then, last night, I'm talking to Flynn, this guy I met at my cousin's wedding in November who took such good care of me while I was drunk off my ass. HE really liked me (Still does, I think). We texted a lot in November, and then in December and January, we just texted sporadically to each other. But lately, we've been texting a lot again. And last night (he was drunk) he texts me and asks what I was thinking. I was like, nothing much, you? And he's just like never mind. SO, I'm like, be honest and just say it. He then proceeds to tell me that there's this other side of him I've never seen that he can't really explain, I just need to see it by hanging out with him. And he wouldn't elaborate and kept apologizing for bringing it up. He was also telling me how nice I am and how he likes who I am and how it would be nice for him to have me to come home to....
My life is this soap opera, and I feel like someone should write a screenplay on this and turn it into a show or movie. Dear lord.
She went peacefully, so at least that's comforting.
The past week was not pretty. At all. She got real mean.
Now, I have no grandparents left and that's just really sad to me.
Ok... So. I finally was able to talk to Joe. First through text. I am much bolder with what I say via text. I didn't hold back any punches. I was straight forward and blunt. I didn't beat around a bush. Then after that, I went over to his place and we went on a drive and just talked it all out.
Joe's answers were honest and sincere. I could see it in his eyes. He fessed up to not telling me about the woman and how involved they really had been. But, he swears there isn't anything between them now.
I know in my heart he's not playing me on this. Everything he was telling me, he'd said when we first started dating. Rich and his family like to make assumptions on speculations rather than facts, and Rich's sister never has liked Joe, so she might have taken it too far.
Someone commented saying Rich might have colored the story a bit because he likes me, and that seems to be what he did. I'm sure he meant well, but it's just making it harder between him and Joe.
I gave Joe an ultimatum. He either gets help (sees a therapist) or I'm gone.And he reminded me it isn't an overnight type of change. And I know that.
I can't just give up on him when he needs me. He needs a rock to help him through this. And damn it, I want to be there. He knows this is his last chance. I'm done if he screws up again.
I also told him that Rich like likes me, and Joe didn't really like that. He feels like Rich was trying to set him up and make me come over before Joe gets home to get caught being with another woman.... which is exactly what it was. I'm really confused right now about what to do about everything.
Hopefully sleep will help.
