I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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I feel like with all of my posts being so gun-ho about how I've changed and do this and this to better myself in some way and all that, I make myself sound like I don't have weaknesses or insecurities still.
But, I do.
Very much so.
So, this post is dedicated to talking about my weaknesses. And what I still need to change about myself.
I think my biggest problem is my inability to say no to people. Obviously, I can say the word in situations which would require me to do so, but I'm talking about when someone asks me to go shopping with them. I hate shopping. I hardly ever want to go, but I feel bad saying no, so I go. I want to help people and make them feel good about themselves and what they're doing. I guess I think that if I say no, it's going to make them feel bad, so I refrain from doing so.
I still have problems with my weight. I'm more confident with how I am now, but every once and awhile, I'll look in the mirror and think, "Gross. I need to have thinner thighs and I want abs." I don't have time these days to do much about it, so I don't work out much. I can't complain if I'm not doing anything about it. I grew up being told I was fat. When I wasn't. I wasn't skinny by any means. I was just bigger boned and was carrying a few more pounds than I should have. I was always told if I lost 10 or 20 more pounds I'd be better, faster, prettier. It diminished my self esteem about myself. I don't think that way now, and I'm a million times more confident with myself. I just have certain days when I'm all wtf.
So there. I just shared my two biggest weaknesses with you. I've still got a lot of changing to do, but I have no doubt that I can do it.
So, it's a new year. People are making all sorts of new resolutions like not wanting to be negative, wanting to lose weight, being more optimistic, changing some form about themselves in some way. Which is all fine and dandy, but when it's only the second day of the new year and you haven't suddenly become this new person you were hoping to be, why the fuck are you giving up or complaining?
It's the second day! You aren't gonna just magically change in two days. Sorry, life doesn't work that way. If you're changing some form of your personality, it takes time. Years even. If you are wanting to loose weight, that also takes time. Months to get where you want to get.
All of these things takes time! And people are always so impatient. They want convenience. They want it now. But, that's not how it works. I just hate seeing people give up without allowing time to heal them, without working to be the better person they want to be. They just give up with things get too tough. I understand that. Boy do I understand that.
I used me the angriest person in the world. On the outside, I was quiet and reserved. But, on the inside, I was just angry at everything. The world, myself, my family, my friends, my life. Everything. I had such a quick temper, I was an impatient little shit, and I was judgmental and opinionated beyond belief. When I was in Jr. High, I thought homosexuals were wrong, and I was a little racist. I grew up in a small town in the midwest. It's how everyone was, and that's what I learned to behave like. It was bad. I went through some traumatic stuff as a kid, I was emotionally, psychologically, and verbally abused. It wasn't good. My self esteem was null, and I just wanted out. Basketball, which you all knew was my life, and it got ripped out from under me twice in high school leaving me very bitter and angry because I couldn't do the one thing that brought me happiness. It was like someone killed me on the inside. It was terrible.
But, my senior year, I started to realize something. I didn't need to care what other people thought. About anything. I didn't need to let them dictate how I thought and reacted. I was my own person, and I could think independently. I knew I wasn't going to go to college in the state. I wanted out, to get as far away as possible, somewhere new where I would know no one. And I knew that I'd find people there who loved me for me. People that would accept me for being weird or crazy or a jock or whatever I decided to be.
So, I changed my whole outlook on life. It took about a year and a half to do. It was hard because making the switch from small town to big city, from high school to college, I learned who I wanted to be.
I love who I am now. I'm an optimistic, sarcastic little shit who just loves to enjoy life. I'm down to earth and fun. I think. :)
I'm not prejudice towards anyone. I have friends who are gay, of another color, religion, belief, ect. I accept everyone without fail. Unless you do something that warrants me to not like you. But, it now takes a lot to make me angry. None of my friends have ever seen me legit angry. I can't even tell you the last time I was really angry. Mad, sure. But, not angry. I'm still a little impatient, but I'm working on that. Nothing gets me down for long. I can bounce back from anything, which I've proven time and time again.
I figured out who I am. And a part of knowing who I am is understanding that I'm never gonna stop evolving. I'm always gonna be changing. Meeting new people will do that to you. And it's great. Embrace change. It's a wonderful thing. Sure, it isn't always good, but you can turn the bad into good depending on how you look at the situation. If you need help with that, come to me. I'll help you find the silver-lining. It's out there. If only you dare to look.
At the end of every year, I like to go back and reflect on all the things that happened throughout the year. Every year, I’m surprised by everything that transpired, everything that changed for better or for worse. I’m always a different person than when the year started, which I suppose is a blessing in and of itself.
What are some highlights from my year?
Well, let me think….. I think I celebrated New Years at my apartment with a few friends. In January sometime was the last time I saw Jennifer before she headed over to Korea for a year. Left my job at Gordmans and eventually Walmart when I got the awesome job at the bank, where I am still working. My brother graduated from High School. I got to go on an all expenses paid vacation for a weekend with one of my bestest friends. I met new friends, and solidified old ones. Experienced Twinkies, Taco Johns, love, ordering a pizza, and a bunch of other things I can’t think of at the moment for the first time. I also had some health issues the last month or so, but it’s turning out alright.
I think the biggest change I’ve had throughout all this, though, is experiencing love. I honestly thought I’d never be able to develop the feelings you see couples have in the movies. I never loved my exs, and I thought there was just something wrong with me considering they all treated me so well. I thought it was something I did wrong, not them. And they is partially true. My heart just wasn’t in it. While the relationship I am in now is the most trying I’ve ever been in, that doesn’t make it a bad thing. I love Joe with my whole heart, and because of that, I can relate to people more. I can understand what they mean. And the whole thing has made me a better person because of it. I’ll think that even if the relationship goes south.
Love, not only in my relationship with Joe, but with my friends. My best friends are showing me that there are people who aren’t related to you do love you with their whole hearts. You can have a family not related by blood. In high school, I got walked all over by my ‘friends’ and I never really felt at home around anyone. I could never just let down my guard. There were secrets I hid from everyone. But, with my friends today, I don’t hide anything. They know everything about me and love me anyway. They are showing me that you can disagree on something, not like the same things, and still be very supportive of the person and their choices even if you don’t always agree.
2012 was a year of love for me. I learned how to open up and really be with a person.
So, last night, I went to bed around 10:00 pm. My phone woke me up shortly before 3:30 am. His text: I want you here right now. He never sends texts like that anymore, so of course, I go over there. He was being all cute and adorable. He told me he loved me. And I can't believe how much those words mean to me. I'm just glad I can say it back and actually mean it now. He told me I was beautiful, and when I said thank you, he told me no. There was no reason to thank him. I just am. He was just very sweet. At one point, we rubbed noses together, which when an ex did that, I was like "wtf", but this works.
Sorry. Pointless post was pointless. :)
So, I wanted to write down the dream I had last night. It was quite an interesting one. First one I could remember in a long time.
Mangie, my cousin that got married in November, was throwing some sort of wedding party at this hotel/casino. So, I decided to go with Joe, but he only came for the casino. He does like to gamble. My family was already there, and there were people I knew from college and some good friends. I remember not wanting to go. At all. But, I felt bad saying no. I get to the hotel and kind of watch Joe gamble a bit, and I think he gives me a token or a coin to go play a game by myself. So, I decide to try this machine that rains our the coins. Usually when you win, it'll rain down a few coins, but I pushed the button and I hit the jackpot.
Suddenly, everyone I knew was around me, and my mom was saying that she wished I hadn't won because now the government could take the earnings away through taxes or something. I grabbed all the chips I could and ended up cashing them out illegally because I didn't want the government to have it. I was running through the casino into the hotel up to my room with bundles of cash in my arms. I was having a hard time trying to carry it all, and I suppose I should have been trying to hide it, but the cash was sticking out of my arms everywhere. I remember Joe being mad because he wanted to win.
I went to bed with Joe in my dream, and when I woke up, I was sleeping with Joe. So, I thought the dream had happened, and it was only until I checked my bank balance that I realized it wasn't real.
It was crazy!
