I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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Things between Joe and I are not going well. At all.
At least to me it isn't.
I don't know if he feels the same. Mainly because haven't really talked about anything in a week.
I told you guys all about the problems I'd been having in my last post. And, Joe hasn't asked me at all how I'm doing, if I'm okay.
Friday and Saturday I hung out in a friend's dorm pretending to do homework I didn't really have to do (so, I was on Tumblr a lot >.>) so that I wouldn't be alone. tomorrow's the big day when I get to hopefully find out what's wrong with me. But, I don't think Joe cares.
I was over at his apartment last night for 4 hours. I had some homework to finish and then I watched the football game with him. Chad was there for all of five minutes and maybe for two minutes we had a conversation where chad apologized about my phone (which wasn't his fault at all). In that short time span, he said more to me than Joe did in the 4 hours I was there.
I had planned on just staying overnight, but at like 9:30, he starts cradling his head in his hands. I wasn't going to ask how he was doing (he never feels well) and see how he liked it when I ignored him. But, I broke down and asked. And he just goes, "I think I need to be alone tonight." I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he just repeated that he needed to be alone last night. So, I got up, grabbed my stuff, and walked out. I told him I'd talk to him later, but I am not going to text him at all today.
I don't even know why, but it made me cry last night. I never cry. Never. But, I'm so stressed, I can't even control my emotions right now.
I think I'm going to break up with him soon. I just can't be with someone who doesn't care about me. I thought I could handle it. But, I can't. Not anymore. Tomorrow is bowling, so I'll probably see him then. Maybe we can talk about some things.
I'm going to miss his friends so much. I'll probably never see them again. >.>
I know we all have high points in our life and low days. And I know that no matter how low, I'll always bounce back. But, right now, it's getting really tough.
In continuation from my last post, the symptoms I had/have are pointing to a miscarriage. And people keep saying that by the time my appointment on Tuesday rolls around I'll be fine and I won't care anymore.
Even though I don't want to be pregnant, it will still bother me knowing I miscarried. That will be very hard for me to handle.
I still don't think that's what is going on, but I'm just very unsettled because of how close the symptoms are to it.
And to make matters worse, Joe knows all about these problems, I texted him, and he seemed very calm about it all. But then last night, he's like, "I'm in a bad place right now... in my mind.... I just feel like I need to be alone and it's better that way. I can't stop that." So, he's basically saying the past 4 months don't matter because he thinks he's better off alone than with me.
What hurts even more is that he knows I'm a little freaked out with the whole symptoms thing, and he's like, I don't want to be together anymore.
So, if I was pregnant, he'd just leave?
I'm just so tired of trying to make it work right now. He's not doing anyhting to help.
We're still together right now. But, I'm not sure for how much longer. I still love him, but I'm just tired. He emotionally neglects me, and I'm just so tired of being the only one trying. It's not fair to me. I could be spending time with my friends who will be graduating next semester and then moving to different parts of the country while I'll be stuck here. Alone.
And to top it all off, I found out this weekend that a very good family friend had a blood clot on the brain that they went and removed, but they still aren't sure he'll make it.
Then, I found out I had a half brother out there. And a half niece. And cousins I didn't know existed. All of whom have no idea I exist.
Just not sure how I'm supposed to take this all in.
I need my friends right now, but with finals, I don't want to bother them.
Every year something happens to break my concentration on my homework and that's why I'm on academic probation from the business school. If I can't keep my grades up this semester, I'll be kicked out. I just don't know how to concentrate with all this shit going down around me.
I just need my friends to be with me right now. To talk to me so I don't feel so alone right now.
So, Saturday morning started out fine. My brothers and I had to help my dad and uncle herd some cattle across the road and into a catch pen. I was fine, did some running around and everything. Then, when I got home mid afternoon and sat down, it was like my uterus decided to fucking attack me. Just cramps. Really bad ones. I never get cramps. Ever. So, this was completely new. I couldn't get up without someone helping me to my feet or unless I rolled onto my side to push myself up. It was like I had no stomach muscles for two days. Then, Monday I was feeling better and Tuesday better still.
Then, this morning I go back into work at 10, and it's about 10:30 and my boss calls a little meeting, and as I'm standing there, my heart starts beating a 100 miles per minute. It was terrifying actually. There was nothing to start upsetting me, so I don't know why it did that. But, then I started to get light headed and started to feel like I was going to throw up. I ran into the bathroom and just sort of crouched on the floor holding my head for a few minutes. I got really pale really fast, was shaking, and clammy. They sent me home.
Everyone keeps asking if I'm prego. I don't think so, but who can know for sure? I'm on my period now, so I shouldn't be. But, I'm just really scared right now.
Got a doctor's appointment next Tuesday morning.
Thank you, everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes!
I was without internet, so I wasn't able to properly thank everyone before now. And, I don't have the time to go through and thank everyone individually.
So, just know that I am very grateful to everyone that wished me a happy birthday.
22! Whoo!
So, last night, I slept over at Joe's. We kind of fell asleep holding each other, and I don't know if that's what sparked this dream.
It started out with Joe and I just hanging out, and he was gonna introduce me to his family. He was saying that he was throwing this big party at one of the bars we frequent. And that he was gonna tell everyone we were getting married. I remember thinking 3 months is too soon to decide we should be married, not to mention that was the most unromantic proposal ever. But, I didn't say anything and just agreed.
The day of the party, Joe had a sister who had a friend who had little, triplet babies that she just abandoned. No one wanted them and were just going to ignore them. So, I was went and took them. I told Joe these kids were more important than he and the party was so I wasn't gonna go until we found them homes. I eventually did, and I wound up at the party but Joe and I got split up and he only told his friends and he sent me this text saying who I should tell.
The next thing I know I'm driving Joe and I back to my parents house to meet them, and my dad and uncle and were waiting for us and trying to scare him.
Then I woke up.
