So, since a few of you have been messaging me about what I was talking about it my last post, I figure I might as well come out and just say it.
All my life, I have had this 'dream' that my cousin, who is 7 years older than me, had touched me inappropriately (among a few other things that I don't want to get into) when I was 7 or 8. Putting him at 14 or 15 years old. But, I could never really remember if it was some sick dream I had or if it was real. Because, come on, what family member would do that? Especially when he was that much older than me. I wanted to believe it wasn't true so much that my mind sort of granted it. I eventually forgot about it completely until a couple of summers ago when I started remembering bits and pieces randomly.
This past weekend, I went home for Halloween, and my mom and myself and my brother were talking about why my mom didn't like my cousin, and she started talking about how my cousin had molested me when I was younger. So, I basically found out it was true.
And, to be honest, it didn't really bother me. It's been almost 12 years. I don't see him hardly anymore. We don't get along with that family very well. Well, I get along with his younger sister well enough. But, we don't talk or get together for holidays anymore. So, I was sort of horrified by what I had learned, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't need to get mad about it, nothing would change what had happened. I was sure he regretted it and has matured since then. I even started laughing when my mom started telling the story. (It's what I do when I don't know what emotion to feel >.>)
But, once I got to thinking, I realized how old he was when it happened. About 15. That's pretty old. Why would he think to do that to someone so much younger than him? And, I wonder what he thinks when he looks at me now? A part of me never wants to see him again because, I'm afraid to look at him. Though, I'm sure he doesn't think of me at all in that way. It's just weird now.
Then, I have to wonder if his sister, who is 8 years younger than him, the one I get along with, knows anything about this. We've never talked about it. But, it makes me wonder if this situation is why their mom never seemed to really like me. With so many people knowing about it that I didn't know know about it, I feel a little uneasy, and I don't really know how to feel when I see them again.
It's just very unsettling. I'm not worried about what happened. I can't do anything to change that anymore. I'm more worried about what they all think of me now. >.>
