So, last night, Joe texts me and says,
"I want to leave Sioux Falls... every day I fight the urge to disappear... I don't know why... just wouldn't tell anyone... just leave and never come back."
I was just, like, wow, ok... Thanks? And he's like,
"Just letting you know in case I succumb. Honestly... and I know this sucks... but I hope someday I get the balls to do it."
I was like, "You're right. That does suck. If you did leave, would you tell me? Would you want me to come?"
and he proceeds to tell me he wouldn't tell anyone about it. He'd just go.
He did this to me in the beginning of our relationship too. Hearing him say that makes me feel so.... unlovable. Like, I'm not good enough. Like, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, nothing I do matters. He doesn't care about me or any of it. He doesn't really love me. If he did care or love me, how could he even think about leaving and not having the balls to tell me about it?
How does he think telling me that is going to make me feel? It's a terrible feeling knowing that you aren't good enough for someone, that no matter how hard you work, how pretty you try to make yourself, how nice you try to be, now supportive you try to be, it's all for not and I'm just wasting my time.
I hate feeling like this. I hate it so much. But, I know I'll never break up with him. He'd have to do something completely unforgivable. But, I'm so warped that I wonder just how far across the line he'd actually have to go before I finally say enough is enough. A part of me thinks I'll never break up with him no matter what. He'd have to do it. And I hate that. I hate that part of me that is too weak to want to be by myself to try again, to want to find someone else.
But, I don't think I can. If I'm not good enough for Joe, what makes me good enough for anyone else?
