Ok, so here's what's been happening between Dyl and I...
Ok, so the whole watching porn together escalated to him wanting us to watch it together and then get off while watching it together. And I was like, I would maybe be ok watching it with you but not masturbating together. And I was kind of half joking when I said it was okay if he wanted to do it while watching it.
So we were talking about that for awhile when he asks if we were on our way to being 'fuck buddies'.
And I was like, no, I can't do this. I don't want to do that to Joe. I told him how I really like him and if I was single I'd be saying yes in a heartbeat and be having no second guesses. And he was saying how he understood that but he thought it felt right to be doing this and he feels like we'd both regret it if we didn't do it. that we could start out really really slow and see where it went from there.
I told him I just don't feel right doing that to Joe when I wouldn't want him doing that with someone other than me. And I asked if he'd like it if his gf did it with someone other than him, and he said not at all. And he's been trying to talk me into it by answering all my whatifs. Apparently, he's been thinking about this for a very long time. I asked what would happen if we did it and we fell in love with each other, and he said he didn't plan on that happening but that we couldn't really plan for things like that.
And I feel terrible because a part of me really really wants to do it if I was single. But, I just can't do it being with Joe. I'd look at him and feel guilty and ashamed every time. But, I don't know how to shoot Dyl down because a part of me doesn't want to. But it's wrong and I know that. I'd never be able to go through with any of the things we've been talking about. I told him I needed to sleep on it to bide me some time in figuring out what to do.
He told me that if I decide not to do this, then he and I will just brush this off like a bad joke and continue on with our friendship. And that's just what I want. I want to go back to how we were. Sigh. Next time he texts me about it, I'll just lay it all out for him, I guess.
I just hate being caught in the middle like this. I just think of having to tell Joe that I can't be with anymore, and I hurt. I just couldn't betray him like this. I know he's difficult, and he's got baggage, and he has treated me like shit in the past. But, we worked so hard on it. We're better. He's been so supportive and attentive to me. I'm no longer afraid of him getting bored with me or just randomly breaking up with me or any of the fears I had before. They're all gone. Today, he had an appointment with his therapist, so that right there tells me he's trying. I have never loved someone this much, and to be honest, it scares me especially because I just let him treat me like shit in the beginning and still was okay with it all. I hated when other girls did it, but then there I was. But, we're better now. We understand each other a little better.
