Last night, Joe was texting me. HE had to golf up in the cities to pass some test. Which he did, by three strokes. So, he gets home and I'm hoping that he'll text me about hanging out. But that doesn't happen. He texts me at like 11:30 and asks why he hates EVERYONE. And I'm just like, I dunno. You're the only one who would know that. And he's telling me he's out drinking alone and some guy from work keeps talking to him. I gave him some advice, but he just goes home. Then he's angry and upset, and I told him that I wish I could help. And he's like, you can't.
I fucking know I can't help. He tells me that every time I ask him if there is anything I can do. I feel so shitty and helpless. I feel terrible.
Joe's been texting me today apologizing for last night, and I told him I understood and it doesn't bother me. And he doesn't understand how I put up with him,saying how I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who can give me more time, attention, etc. While that may be true, I chose to stay with him through all the hell we've been through together. I told him I try to be understanding of how busy and stressed and depressed he gets, and he says it's not lost on him, but he can't give me what I deserve.
I ask where that leaves us. Then he texts me and says: Not much of anywhere. I told him I didn't know what to say or think, and he says, Sorry I've been nothing but a waste of your time. And I told him he wasn't. I don't regret a moment of us being together.
And this is very true. Even if we end on bad terms. Or even on good terms. I will not regret anything. This relationship has taught me so much about life, love. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. Everything happens for a reason. It's gonna suck ass for a long time, but I'll be okay. I'll be stronger even if I won't feel as such right away.
I asked him where we stand. It sure sounds like he wants to break up, but until he tells me those specific words, I'm not going to just assume.
Right now, I don't even know what I'd really want.
A part of me wants him to just break up with me. Cut this off now before it gets harder. I'm tired of feeling uneasy and anxious all the time.
But another part of me loves him too much to want to give him up. I don't want to leave him.
And right now, I can't even tell you which is the bigger part. They are equally strong in my mind right now.
